How can I make this essay connect better? How can I improve my last paragraph?
I think this essay is either really good or really bad. I'm not sure so I need some advice. please and Thank You!
Topic:Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
Our United States constitution declares that all humans are entitled to three common rights: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But how can we have life if we cannot afford essential medical procedures, medications, and aides. How can we be free if we are unnecessarily held captive to the confines of a death bed? And how can we pursue happiness realizing that capable, life-saving, healthcare providers are inaccessible to us due to lack of insurance or money in our pockets? The answer is that we cannot. The healthcare crisis has balooned into an unavoidable eyesore in our society and ultimately, something must be done to provide oppurtunities for Americans to receive affordable health coverage.
As a first generation, lower-middle class, Jamaican-American, I have learned from a tender age that money does not grow on trees, my family would probably never win the lottery, and there was no multi-million dollar inheritance check coming our way. Basically, as a close-knit, but economically burdened family, all we had was a roof over our heads, food on the table (most days), and love in our hearts; anything else was considered a luxury and a great blessing from God. Until just recently, health care had never even been an tangible option for my parents and so I have witnessed firsthand that the fear and anxiety that comes with the uninsured mother of three who has just noticed a lump in her left breast, or the constant headaches and uneasiness associated with a diabetic, hypertensive individual barely able to provide the next meal for his family much more to pay for blood pressure and blood sugar medications.
Unfortunately, these predicaments I have watched my parents suffer through are only two illustrations of the harsh realities of the over 47 million adults in the United States living without health insurance and it does not begin to describe the history of the 22,000 individuals that don't survive to become part of the statistic. However, as a prospective student for the University of Miami, I aspire to continue my steps up the health care ladder to become part of an integral network of medical professionals that will provide the best quality care to patients of all financial backgrounds thereby making America and ultimately the world a healthier place.
This is an extremely well-written essay that directly address the topic. You might want to use a few less cliches, though. So, get rid of phrases such as money does not grow on trees," and "love in our hearts." The rest of your writing is good enough that you can undoubtedly think of original ways to express those ideas with a bit of effort.
Also, a point of logic: "And how can we pursue happiness realizing that capable, life-saving, healthcare providers are inaccessible to us due to lack of insurance or money in our pockets?" Quite easily, actually. You can pursue happiness under just about any circumstances. Whether or not you can attain happiness is a different matter. For this sort of essay, though, I doubt your audience will care about the distinction.
