Unanswered [7] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Undergraduate /     

Having a dinner with three people (dead,fictional, alive) UVA essay


answers: 8
Hi, I would love for you to give me suggestions and corrections on my essay. I greatly appreciate it and would love the critics on it as well.. Thanks


The three people (living, dead or fictional) that I would have dinner with were chosen because they have been able to effectively make an impact on the world through politics, science, and innovation. I believe that without their existence and ideals, the modern world of today would not be an advanced and equal society that we live in. They are; Benjamin Franklin, Bill Gates and Thomas Edison.
I chose Benjamin Franklin because he was a man of amazing talents and made various achievements.

SEE BELOW
Jan 3, 2010, 08:22pm   #3
Your essay is good. I only have two suggestions:

1)You explain each man's achievements very well. However, make it relate to you a little more.

2) perhaps switch out one of the people with someone who's less well-known. a lot of applicants are going to talk about

And spell it out United States of America

Good luck!
you don't have to say "the three people (living, dead, or fictional"

they know what the question is. Just go into it. and explain how they relate you you, most, if not every, admissions officer will know their accomplishments.
1 other thing I just thought you might want to consider.

You make a big deal that they dropped out of college at some points. I am not sure this is the best thing to stress in a college app? just a thought, but they might view this as a lack of interest in school and that you dont really need college or something.

I chose Bill Gates because I believe he is one of the most influential and known person in the world.

I chose Bill Gates because he is one of the most influential and known poeple in the world.

With the knowledge I gained from these people, I see myself becoming a greater inventor in the future because of how they have inspired me to never give up and to strive to be the best that I can.

Not a strong conclusion.
Potentialy: "I see myself becoming a great inventor in the future because of how these individuals have inspired me and taught me. I will never give up and will always strive to reach my full potential." okay so that wasn't very good either lol. But something else, because right now your clauses do not really fit together very well. I think gramatically it is because you say "with the knowledge i gained" and then go into the future tense. Might read better just as gain?

sorry that was not concise at all, but hope i helped some.
Hi everyone this is the modified version of the essay....I would love to have suggestions and corrections on it.. and it says I should limit to one page? is it bad if i o over the page limit with 169 words?? PLease help thanks...


The three people (living, dead or fictional) that I would have dinner with are chosen because they have been able to effectively make an impact on the world through politics, science, and innovation. I believe that without their existence and ideals, the modern world of today would not be an advanced and equal society that we live in. They are; Benjamin Franklin, Bill Gates and Thomas Edison.
I chose Benjamin Franklin because he was a man of amazing talents and made various achievements. He did not grow up rich as his parents could only afford to send him to school for 2 years and thus continued his education on his own. He became an apprentice to his older brother where he learnt printing trade. But even through this hardship and zeal, He was able to write the famous book ''Poor Richard's Almanac''; became postmaster of Philadelphia and invented the Franklin stove. He was also very flexible, smart and creative. He was a leading author and printer, political theorist, scientist, inventor and more. It was undoubtedly impossible for me not to choose him. I believe that his life justifies the saying ''nothing is impossible''. His life shows me with zeal and passion for whatever I find myself doing, I can achieve the very best. At the dinner, I would love to just sit back and absorb his wisdom. I would ask him about what he thought about modern politics and what he would do to get United States of America out of the recession. I would also ask him about whether or not he would want to live in the modern world and inspire other people just as how he has inspired me.
I chose Bill Gates because I believe he is one of the most influential and known person in the world. Mr. Gates shows me that talent and interest are all that matter alongside hard work in achieving one's dream. Just as Benjamin Franklin, he also did not finish school. He dropped out of Harvard University to create his own software company that we presently know as Microsoft. With Microsoft, I have been able to see the development of computers with software programs such as windows. I as an engineer will be more curious about his company's future plans for computers. He also has donated billions of dollars through his charitable foundations. His generosity has helped millions of people around the world. At the dinner, I would ask him about what stern his interest in computers; what gave him that boldness to drop out of an ivy league as Harvard. I would also ask him about how his views of where technology is headed in the future. Mr. Gates is an epitome of a complete successful man whose has more to give to the world regardless his limited years in the University. This urges me to think big and even bigger while still at school. By combining my education with the wise words heard from Mr. Gates, I know I can be the best at what I have passion for which is electrical engineering.
I chose Thomas Edison because he was solely known as an inventor. He has contributed to various inventions in mass communications and telecommunications. Both of these researches have dominated the modern world. Telephone, radio, television, internet are all important in the society today. Because of his achievements, his name has been the name of various energy and electric companies at large. He is also a fellow electrical engineer just as I aspire to be. Also in honor of Thomas Edison, his name is the name of the highest award from the American Institute of Electrical and Electrical engineers which is now called (IEEE), an organization that I am currently a part of. It is called the Edison Medal All these attributes are some of the forces that drive me into electrical engineering. Thomas Edison was known as a man that never gave up. He had fresh innovations each time which led to something great. As a future engineer, I long for such ability to be able to bring up new and well constructive innovations that will contribute to the world. At the dinner, I would ask him about the inventions he would have loved to create before he died. I would tell him about how his contributions have been greatly appreciated to engineers. I would also ask for advice for the present generation as the world is moving fast.
With the knowledge I gained from these people, I see myself becoming a greater if not the greatest inventor in the future. These men of vision kept their dreams alive and strictly followed it, setting a pace for me and like-wise other potential engineers. They are truly the ones I would love to have dinner with anytime any day because of how inspiration they are and they can never be out of fresh ground-breaking ideas.
not necessarily grammatical or technical corrections but I don't know about writing so much about who the people are and their background. It should be assumed that those who read the paper knows about the three people you mentioned. I say this because when you wrote about Franklin, you spent too much time (in my opinion) writing about his achievements and backgrounds when you could be using that space to relate it to your reason for having dinner with them. Like you did well with Gates.
You can cut out a lot of words if you get rid of everything that is not helpful for what the essay tries to accomplish. For example:

(living, dead or fictional)

I chose Benjamin Franklin because he was a man of...

You can go through the essay and find lots of places where the sentences can pack a harder punch. The successfully conveyed meaning of the sentence represents your profit, and the length of the sentence represents your overhead expenses; the reason you are challenged to get down within a certain word count is because the process of REFINING your writing is a process of maintaining profit while reducing overhead expenses.

Now, you have to do the dirty work. You give nice descriptions of the three people (all males, though! I think you would do well to include some females!), and now I think you should make the essay more powerful by cutting the weakest sentence from each of the three paragraphs about the people. The more you cut, the better the essay gets.

:-)



Home / Undergraduate /

Thread closed ✓