PROMPT: Occasionally, students feel that college application forms do not provide sufficient opportunity to convey important information about themselves or their accomplishments. If you wish to include an additional essay, you may do so.
(((((SIDE NOTE: Near the end I talk about "the YAMS program." I don't explain it in my essay but it's explained in detail in my common application. so basically just assume that the reader knows what I'm talking about)))))
ESSAY:
"Sonia, go to bed!" plead my helpless parents, banging their fists against the wall. They throw up their hands and leave me to face midnight alone. I stealthily jump into bed and burrow under the covers. Ensconced in my cocoon, I pull out my iPod touch and begin to read. Tonight's literature? A Wikipedia article: "Ventricular Fibrillation."
In middle school, I often stayed up until 2 am just to climb through strings of Wikipedia articles on various medical topics. My searches took me from basic anatomy, to life support, to the Glasgow Coma Scale and beyond. Honestly, I retained little. Still, I built mile-long lists of bookmarked web pages and stayed up to read them all. But my fascination with medicine began earlier.
Rewind to age six. Location: aunt and uncle's house. Downstairs, relatives tell stories and clink glasses. But I'm too busy upstairs scanning my aunt's bookshelves to listen. My tiny fingers brush over thick textbooks: Pocket Pediatrics, The Nurse Practitioner's Guide to Nutrition, NCLEX Practice 3000 Questions! I pull out a book at random and squeeze into a corner to make sure none of my inquisitive relatives finds me -- a mousy, pale girl hiding away in an office and struggling to understand schematics of the circulatory system. Hours later, when I hear my grandma unwrapping her famous Napoleon Cake, I let my six-year old instincts take over and carry me downstairs.
My aunt's house was where I got my first glimpse of medicine. Vintage medical instruments and books studded her office's walls. Later, visits to her nursing school in San Mateo captured my attention. There, I watched students practice venipuncture and ultrasounds on each other. Medicine's appeal didn't end there: in the years following, my curiosity drove me to latch onto every opportunity to learn even more about medicine.
In tenth grade, I stay in the hospital for a couple of days, where I experience health care through the patient's eyes. After nurses check my vitals, I ask them to stay and talk to me about their jobs. They graciously answer my (often stupid) questions. What does this tube do? What do those numbers represent? They even taught me to attach my own EKG electrodes and read the vitals monitor hanging over my head. To me, the hospital was a wonderland.
Two years later, I found the YAMS program. For years I dreamed of shadowing surgeries and doctors and, as horribly cheesy as it sounds, my dream came true. Admittedly, my coat dragging along the maze of hospital corridors made me look like a five-year old playing dress up, but I couldn't have cared less. From tumors, to CT Scans, to frazzled nurses, I saw it all. There was no doubt in my mind that, in a few years, I'd come back to see it all again.
I view college as a stepping stone on the path to medical school. It's a path I've imagined myself taking so many times that I picture myself floating through it like a dream. To be sure, I will trip and skin my knees countless times along that path; school is more of a spewing fire hydrant than a dream sequence. But my curiosity has already taken me so far and I'm sure there's no other path I'd rather go down. The experiences I've had throughout my life prove medicine is the right choice for me.
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!
Him soniap55. Here are a few suggestionsMy searches took me from basic anatomy, to life support, to the Glasgow Coma Scale and beyond.
I don't think the commas work here, but admit the sentence is awkward without them. This is what I recommend:My searches
took me fromincluded basic anatomy,
to life support,
toand the Glasgow Coma Scale
and beyond .
In tenth grade, I stay in the hospital for a couple of days, where I experience health care through the patient's eyes.
"Stay" needs to be "stayed" and "experience" needs to be "experienced":In tenth grade, I
staystayed in the hospital for a couple of days, where I
experienceexperienced health care through the patient's eyes.
After nurses check my vitals, I ask them to stay and talk to me about their jobs.
"Check" should be "checked" and "ask" should be "asked":After nurses
checkchecked my vitals, I
askasked them to stay and talk to me about their jobs.
They graciously answer my (often stupid) questions.
Don't call your questions stupid, especially in an application essay! "Answer" should be "answered":They graciously
answer my (often stupid)answered my questions.
For years I dreamed of shadowing surgeries and doctors and, as horribly cheesy as it sounds, my dream came true.
"Shadowing" implies watching a person, so "shadowing surgeries" doesn't sound right. Don't use casual slang phrases such as "horribly cheesy" in your formal writing. Here are my suggestions:For years I dreamed of
shadowingviewing surgeries and
shadowing doctors
;and, as horribly cheesy as it sounds,finally, my dream came true.
From tumors, to CT Scans, to frazzled nurses, I saw it all.
I think many of the commas are unnecessary. If I were you, I'd reword this:I experienced and viewed many aspects of medicine, including tumors, CT scans, and frazzled nurses.I hope that helps you some! Hello, I would like to help you with your essay.
Since this is a supplement to your Harvard application, I would suggest some slight changes. For example, I would write 2:00 a.m. I would avoid the abbreviation. I would avoid using but at the beginning of sentences. There are some simple ways in which you can avoid this.
You can use a transition word. "However, my fascination with medicine began earlier."
The next paragraph I am going to suggest avoiding shortening your sentences. Since this is a supplement to your application, you want to have a more formal style of writing. Here are some suggestions: When I was six years old, I went to my aunt's house. While my relatives were downstairs telling stories and clinking glasses, I was too busy upstairs scanning my aunt's bookshelves to listen.
When you are telling your story check carefully to ensure your verbs are in the past tense. The word brush should be brushed.
Here is another example: "I pulled out books randomly and squeezed into a corner to ensure none of my inquisitive relatives found me..." Change hear to heard.
The next paragraph verbs need (-ed) at the end. Change: experience, ask, answer. Also, delete "often stupid". Delete as horribly cheesy as it sounds and replace with, " then one day". Instead of saying you couldn't have cared less, maybe you could say you were oblivious to this minute dilemma.
I'm unsure about the spewing fire and dream sequence analogy. Please explain this in your essay. Change: "no other path I'd follow." The last sentence place "that" before medicine.
- Honestly, I retained a little.
- ButmyMy ( this sentence should start good and "but" is not the right word to begin with) fascination with medicine began earlier.
- But I'm too busy to listen as I am upstairs scanning my aunt's bookshelves to listen .
- Vintage medical instruments and books studdedadorns her office's walls.
- ...didn't end there:, in the years following years ,
- AdmittedlyConsequently , my coat dragging along my coat the maze...
- It's athe path I've imagined..
Well written essay, I can feel that you're inspired and ever willing to learn and share the knowledge you will gain.
Best of luck and I hope the corrections I made help you out.
