In my path to become a good leader,lead me to some obstacles.
what lead you to some obstacles ? grammatical error -> lack subject
It begins at my sophomore year. I was given the position of Detachment Assistant of my High School a fair start
began
in
I was given the position of Detachment Assistant of my High School a fair start
it seems to me that Detachment is not an appropriate word in this context because it is mostly used in military.
a fair start ? i guess you mean the Freshmen Orientation Camp or things like that, right ?
Because of The actual commanderlack of attendance , I have given the opportunity to rise
Because + Clause
commander -> you should find another suitable word to replace
was absent that day
i was given an opportunity to show my ability
All emotions go thru my brain and I was excited, happy but also nervous
went through
successfully accomplish tasks that my superior couldn't do.
accomplished
could not do
Despite requesting to give the role to someone else he was to remain the Detachment Liaisons until the end of the year and I was given my former superior's position
being requested
Liaisons seems to be not an appropriate word
I was not happy, disappointed and confusing over the situation
confused about
I've felt a sharp pain in my stomach and the urge myself to drop everything . Everything I've worked hard for, everything I've done to wasted
have worked -> worked
have done -> did. you should use past simple because you are telling your story happening in the past
seemed to be wasted
Underneath of my conscious, I still believed, good will overcome evil, there is light at the end of tunnel, with my parent support and my fellow cadets
comma (,) -> that, and
my parents' support
believe in me
believe in myself
At the end my hard work and dedication was not wasted,
in the end
were