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'grasping the concept' + 'friendships upon loyalty, roomate' Stanford


Influx1 1 / 2  
Dec 18, 2011   #1
Hey, it's midnight and I'm having a lot of trouble coming up with good essays, I wrote really rough and bad first drafts, I would really appreciate criticism and feedback.

Prompt 1: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

All that could be heard was the low humming of the air conditioner mixing with the teacher's voice; it was a tenth grade Physics class, talking about electricity. The majority of the class was being examined on a subject I didn't take, that left me with a few other students in the class. At that time, the class was difficult and vague, not because of the teacher's explanation, but because of the lack of co-operation and life in the class.

As soon as the teacher realized that none of us were grasping the concept, she told us to sit in a group to loosen the serious atmosphere, and to discuss the topic with her. We began talking freely about energy and power, then slowly started delving into the topic of electricity, where I was able to ask a lot of broad questions, but gain interesting answers. We were given the ability to communicate as a whole, in a group, which led to us learning more since we were free to talk about the subject as we wanted. We would slip in some advanced questions about engineering or how things work in general, and each time we would get an interesting response.

When working in groups, I feel as if I can pursue intellect with ease, I'm not held back from asking questions and discussing it with my peers and teachers. No matter what people say, I have a love for learning and higher education, to learn about the world and question everything that happens in it, but when I'm in groups, or when I get the opportunity to be closer to my teacher, I excel at it.

Prompt 2: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hey, future roommate!
How should I begin? Hope you like variety, because that's my middle name, literally! If you turn on my music player, you're likely to find loads of music from all types of genres and you'll probably believe I'm lying when I say I have over ten thousand songs on it. Taking you on a virtual trip through my room would be the quickest way to describe myself. If you walk into my room you're going to find a red wall with many posters of my favourite bands stuck on it, you might notice the guitar that's hung on there too. I like playing the guitar; I hope you won't mind my not-so-good practice every now and then, but who knows, I might even learn from you. In the corner you will see quirkily arranged shelves with my favourite books on them, thrillers, horror books, adventure books, even encyclopaedias. I'm an avid reader, and I hope you are too, because I'll have plenty of books to choose from. Past the makeshift bookshelf you will find my main desk where I keep my computer and a small cupboard next to it, if you open the cupboard you'll be surprised at what you'll find in there: several computer parts, fans, thermal paste, screws and even power supplies. On the desk itself you'll find stacks and stacks of neatly arranged video games, some old and classical, some new and polished. I hope you enjoy video games, because I like to kick back, start a game and relax, well, after we finish our studies, of course! That's pretty much it, but there's much more of me I didn't describe here, you're just going to have to find out yourself when we meet.

Prompt 3: What matters to you, and why? I had some trouble with this one and don't know how to end it, I would appreciate help on this one

It was eleven at night and I had a Chemistry final the next day, my notes which held important information about Organic Chemistry went missing so I started panicking. I was relying on those notes for minute, but vital details such as formulas that would definitely be asked in the exam. I started sweating; my future was dependant on that exam, literally. I desperately logged onto Facebook and asked my "friends" for help, but none of them offered any. I tried calling others, but to no avail. A few minutes later, a friend I greatly trusted logged online, I asked for his help and he complied, giving me his notes and explaining some parts. Without that one, loyal friend, I would not have passed the exam and would have ended up repeating an entire year.

Loyalty is what matters to me the most, the faithfulness or devotion to a person, group, country or even cause. Loyalty is more than a word, it's an act that will go unforgotten for a while. Dick Van Pattern said: "I've seen people that don't treat their animals well and yet their animals are still just as loving to them even though they're not treated that well. It's very hard to find that kind of loyalty and love and affection in human beings."

I've built friendships upon loyalty; they've gone a long way and rewarded me with a sense of security and trust, they also provided me with a good sense of responsibility and accomplishment.
marielnl94 1 / 19  
Dec 18, 2011   #2
Q1: I think that question is pretty solid grammatically. I would maybe take off some of the description and add more details about how or why you enjoy collaborative work, or maybe another event where you thought this was useful.

Q2: Please try to change your beginning. Don't start with "How should I begin?" because it makes you look life unsure about who you are. I like how you mix the description of your room with that of your personality, and maybe you should add more about the last. Maybe what's your favorite band or song, and so forth.

Q3: I think you're on a good track, but maybe this could work for you. Once when I was in camp, they asked us to write down ten things we cared a lot about. Then we had to burn each piece of paper until we got only three. They asekd us to justify why we had chosen those three. This could go from, say, "loyalty" to "my dog". I think that's the way I would answer that particular question.

Hope it helps and nice job :)
naseemalammar 4 / 6  
Dec 18, 2011   #3
For the second prompt, I would take out "Taking you on a virtual trip through my room would be the quickest way to describe myself" because it's unneccessary. The reader is going to find out that this is how you describe yourself from the proceeding sentences.

Also, remember to put a comma after "if you walk through my room"
Another thing I would be careful about is using the word "you"
I know it's tempting to use this word and I use it all the time, but many times you shouldn't use it. My English teacher always told me to use "one" instead of "you"

Good luck!
NikoliT 3 / 12  
Dec 18, 2011   #4
What the previous posters said. You can try adding diverse band names to Q2 to show the level of your diversity. Mariel's way of going about Q3 is a smart one. They're generally good essays, but I'd recommend spending a bit more time on Q3, show why loyalty means something to you, or how you went about finding it.
OP Influx1 1 / 2  
Dec 18, 2011   #5
Mariel, that's actually a really smart way of going about Q3, also, how should I add more to the end of Q2? I can't think of anything. Writer's block.

Naseem, using one instead of you would be more appropriate, but I just thought it would fit the context of the whole "directing it to a roommate/admission officer" thing. Is it incorrect to do so and should I change it to one or should I only change parts of the whole thing to "one"?

Thanks, people.
marielnl94 1 / 19  
Dec 19, 2011   #6
Well, I think you could personalise your information a little bit more. For example, when you describe your cupboard, why do you have so many electrical things? Is that your hobby? Then, you say about your favorite band and books. Given them a name! You don't have to justify why they are your favorite, but it certainly gives a better clue of your personality. Also... What color is your room? Do yo have black furniture? Maybe the walls are painted blue or yellow? This may sound a little bit silly, but it's nice to know one's favorite color. Moreover, are you a sports fan? (I don't think so, because you haven't mentioned it). If you are, maybe write down your favorite team or player.

Hope this works.
:)


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