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My grandpa-the biggest influence in my life


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Hey guys (and gals), I would love any and all comments on grammar, syntax, or content. Any and all comments are welcome, even the mean and nasty ones because I could use some help. Thanks!

Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.


Ever since I could remember, my grandpa was there for me, for my family. He was a humble man who came from a humble background. No matter where he was, no matter what country or continent he was on, he was there for his family and there to provide. My grandpa was born in China and immigrated to American when he was sixty. Back in China he was an electrical technician, and he came to America to find a better job.

SEE BELOW

Dec 26, 2010, 02:24am   #
mmigrated to

American
America

to find a better job in search for a better job (dont have to use it but i dont know sounds better to me)


clean the kitchen, and prepare the food cleaned and prepared

you might not want to use prepare again. Try using new words.

I always hanged out in the restaurant maybe say, i always hung out (hang is not correct)

Overall, its an ok essay. I like that in your conclusion you tied everything in together but i think in the other paragraphs you talk about your grandfather too much. Its a great essay but i think it can be alot better if you mentioned what you learned from in each of the paragraphs in which you mention his hardships. But its all upto you. Your grammar is a little off. Besides that, its a good essay and your vocabulary terms are a bit repetitive.

Good luck(:
Dec 26, 2010, 02:51am   #
Ever since I could remember, my grandpa has been there for me and my family. He was a humble man who came from a humble background. No matter where he was, no matter what country or continent he was on, he was there for his family and there to provide. My grandpa was born in China and immigrated to American when he was sixty. Back in China he was an electrical technician, and he came to America to find a better job.

Trying to support their family, my grandparents started a Chinese buffet restaurant called China First, with my grandpa as the head chef. He was one of the only two cooks in the full sized restaurant, but he assumed the majority of the responsibilities. Not only did he cook, but also washed the dishes, put all the dishes them back in the rightful places, cleaned the kitchen, prepared the food, and maintained the inventory. Every day he would take orders and cook Chow Mien or Sesame beef with roaring flames right next to him. He would arrive at the restaurant at the crack of dawn to prepare for the upcoming day and leave late into the night. I always hanged out in the restaurant as a child and not once did I hear him complain. Every day I saw him toil over the open flames to stir fry some dish or mix together some sauce.
Okay guys, here are some edits plus some more.


Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

Ever since I could remember, my grandpa was there for me and my family. He was a humble man who came from a humble background. My grandpa was born in China and immigrated to American when he was sixty. Back in China he was an electrical technician, and he came to America to find a better job.

Trying to support their family, my grandparents started a Chinese buffet restaurant called China First, with my grandpa as head chef. He was one of only two cooks in the full sized restaurant, but he assumed the majority of the responsibilities. Not only did he cook, my grandpa washed the dishes, put all the dishes back in the rightful places, clean the kitchen, prepare the food, and maintained inventory. Every day he would take orders and cook chow mien or sesame beef with roaring flames. He would arrive at the restaurant at the crack of dawn and prepare for the upcoming day only to leave late into the night. I always hung out in the restaurant as a child and not once did I hear him complain. Every day I would see him toil over the open flames to stir fry some dish and mix some sauce.

One day during his lunch hour, my grandpa carried out a barrel of used, hot oil and tripped. My family found him writhing on the floor and yelling as the oil burned through his left foot. Devastatingly, he completely seared his left foot and we were forced to close our restaurant. My grandpa had skin replacement surgery and was forced to bed rest for a year; however, after the year my grandpa insisted that he was ready to return to work. My grandmother and mom argued with him for days to just retire, but he just could not do it. Ultimately, he went right back to working a twelve hour shift in various cramped kitchens, despite his age, then seventy, his foot, and the hard labor, because he knew his family depended on it.

I see the value of looking beyond myself and giving to others. I see the determination needed to help others just as my grandpa saw the value of giving and dedicating himself to others. He valued never giving up, even working himself to death. He never gave up, even with his harsh injuries and old age. Due to his dedication, I am a better person because....... Though I did not understand it as a child, I have come to learn the value in giving and sacrificing. Even when life torments me, I still need to take it and grind through it all.

As I strive for better grades and better SAT scores, I have come to realize that doing all this work for me is not what I want. Because of him, I want to do this for others. I want do everything I do to better the world, not just my world. Through his commitment to our family, I have come to recognize that all my hard work and dedication will pay off someday to someone. My grandpa came to America to have a better life; although he never did, he made mine better.
Even with the edits and although it's a strong essay, if I were you, i would try to develop a style in which it sounds less like youre answering the prompt and more like youre writing about a man you admire while answering the prompt.



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