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Grandmothers - the angels of the earth. (B-CU admissions essay)


fayth93 1 / 3  
Aug 15, 2011   #1
I think this is a great idea for a website. I am writing my Undergrad admissions essay and do not know how to improve on my work at this point. Any help is appreciated. Thanks in advanced!

BCU Admissions Essay

The topic is: Indicate a person who has had significant influence on you and describe how that person has influenced who you are.
My essay is:

"Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever." - Author unknown. That one quote explains the role of every grandmother. They not only love us unconditionally, but encourage and support us in everything we do, including my 72 year old grandmother, Ellen White. This woman is single handedly the most loving, caring, charismatic, unselfish, strong-willed, truthful and sometimes stubborn woman I have yet to meet and I am thankful everyday for her.

My grandmother was born on October 21, 1938 in Pageton, West Virginia. And to this day has been married 3 times. She lived in Germany from 1955 to 1958, and was a barber during the years 1959 - 1960. She became a License Practical Nursing in 1960, working with the Department of Corrections and in 1987 went back to school to get her Ph. D. in nursing and become a Registered Nurse. She retired from the Cardiology Department at Cleveland Clinic Hospital in 1993 and returned back to the Department of Corrections in 1993-2003. She has been an active member of St. Peter's AME Zion since 1965 and is the head deaconess and has mentored young girls in the church.

My grandmother has influenced me in so many ways that one could not name them all. She has been my biggest supporter, from when I was a toddler and did pageants to now when I am filling out college applications to continue my education. She encouraged my learning by rewarding my good grades in grade school, sending me gifts for birthday, and just sending money because she felt that I deserved it. She has always told me she loves me, even if I do forget to call her every once in a while. Her words of support have pushed me to do things I could not have imagined. From stopping things that were not exactly positive for me to trying out for things that have allowed be to become a better person. The most important way she has been there for me is by constantly praying for me. No matter what happens to her, me, or our family she has continued to lift my name in prayer and I am extremely grateful for her.

My grandmother is my guardian angel that God has been kind enough to allow to be here with me on Earth. Her encouragement, faith and persistence has rubbed off on me and given me the push that is vital for any person's positive growth.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Aug 15, 2011   #2
This woman is single handedly the most loving, caring, charismatic, unselfish, strong-willed, truthful and sometimes stubborn woman I have yet to meet and I am thankful every day for her. ---In this case, as in most, every day is two words.

My grandmother was born on October 21, 1938 in Pageton, West Virginia, and to this day has been married 3 times.

She became a Licensed Practical Nursing in 1960, working with the Department of Corrections , and in 1987 went back to school to get her Ph. D. in nursing and became a Registered Nurse.

She encouraged my learning by rewarding my good grades in grade school, sending me gifts for my birthday, and just sending money because she felt that I deserved it.

From stopping things that were not exactly positive for me, to encouraging me to try out for things that have allowed be to become a better person.---Actually, this is not a complete sentence, and should be re-worked.

My grandmother is my guardian angel that God has been kind enough to allow to be here with me on e arth.

Her encouragement, faith and persistence have rubbed off on me and given me the push that is vital for any person's positive growth.

What a nice tribute to your grandmother! Good luck in school!
:)
OP fayth93 1 / 3  
Aug 15, 2011   #3
thank you!
kiana 1 / 1  
Aug 16, 2011   #4
These sentences don't sound right to me!!!!

wrong:She retired from the Cardiology Department at Cleveland Clinic Hospital in 1993 and returned back to the Department of Corrections in 1993-2003.
my suggestion:use either went back or return, I don't think return back makes sense.

wrong: Shehas always told me she loves me, even if I do forget to call her every once in a while.
my suggestion: She always tells me she loves me, even if I do forget to call her every once in a while

wrong:From stopping things that were not exactly positive for me to trying out for things that have allowed be to become a better person.

my suggestion:From stopping things that were not exactly positive for me to trying out for things that have allowed me to become a better person.

wrong:The most important way she has been there for me is by constantly praying for me. my suggestion: It doesn't sound right to me, but I don't know how to make it right

wrong:No matter what happens to her, me, or our family she has continued to lift my name in prayer and I am extremely grateful for her.

my suggestion:No matter what happens to her, me, or our family, she has continued to lift my name in prayer and I am extremely grateful for her.

note:my english is not that good, may be I'm wrong!anyway,good luck:D
OP fayth93 1 / 3  
Aug 16, 2011   #5
Thanks Kiana! (:


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