Please critique this essay. Be as harsh as possible.
Prompt- Tell us about a person who has made on impact in your life and explain why this person is important to you. (9600 characters)
The kind of person I am today is mostly because of my first teacher, my grandfather. He is the person who taught me how to live and the meaning of life.
I still remember how very eagerly, as a child, I would look forward to my summer vacation, because two months of summer holidays would mean our trip to grandpa's house and endless hours of teaching classes there, each day. Grandpa is an awesome teacher. His classes were so interesting that time just flew away while listening to him and I was as enthusiastic at the end of the class as I was at the beginning of it. The teachings comprised of his personal experiences and his childhood memories about his lessons at school. Each day we would discuss about different topics like love, friendship, forgiveness, success and desires. At the end of the class, he would ask me what I had learnt and would then patiently listen to me. One day, when I was at his home, my best friend and I had a petty fight over the phone. For two days, we didn't talk to each other, hoping that the other person would call. Grandpa then told me the importance of friendship and that, that these fights didn't matter much because whatever comes, we were best friends at the end of the day. He also said that if I didn't call and apologize, I would lose her, as a friend, forever. I understood how selfish I had been and called my friend. She was very delighted and said that she was afraid that we weren't friends anymore.
Grandpa didn't always lecture the good things; he himself practiced all of them and set an example for others. During childhood, I used to feel that community work is a sheer waste of time and that, that I should not spoil my time working for the welfare of others. Grandpa then told me that a person is always known for his/her deeds and not for his/her richness. These words got engraved in my mind and from that day onwards, I have always loved doing volunteer work and community service. I understood how narrow- minded I was. Now, I get immense happiness and satisfaction while helping others and long to do so. I have also learnt that it is only by giving, does one receive.
Grandpa tells me to ask myself each night whether I was being the kind of person I would want to be and that, that this would automatically make me a good person. Being his first grandchild, I have always been very close to him. Ever since he had started teaching me, I tried to be like him and this has shaped me into the type of person that I am today. When in dilemma, I always try to remember my classes with grandpa and get a solution. Apart from being a grandfather, grandpa has been my best friend and my role model.
Is this essay too short? Please tell me how to expand this essay. The prescribed word limit is 9600 characters and this essay is just 2657 characters.
I still remember how very eagerly as a child I would look forward to my summer vacation. For me, two months of summer holidays would mean our trip to grandpa's house and endless hours of learning daily.
Be a little bit more specific in what your grandfather taught you. Recount a specific anecdote.
To make it longer, maybe divide it into past and present. How when you were younger, you liked hearing his stories, but it was only when you got older that you realized how deep and insightful his lessons really were.
Good idea - just tailor it more.
Help with mine?
the meaning of life.
WHICH IS??????...??????
I think you did well in the description, but you should put in paragraphs whenever you begin a new idea. kudos!
9600 characters? :( Too much!
Give us more description about your grandpa, like his education, appearance and so on. Telling us all your grandpa's words is not persuative enough. At the beginning you mentioned that your grandpa told you his experience to teach you. Why not write something about how his deed affected you? It would be stronger.
Wish you good luck!
And if you can take a look at my common app essay ,I would be appreciated.
I second what mzontario said, it felt as though you were all ove the place trying to describe everything that every happened with your grandfather. It would be better if you focus on one or two major events and go into them instead of just touching on everything. I also suggest you refine your language as you're putting very vague words in places where they should not be and it's misleading sometimes like "He is the person who taught me how to live and the meaning of life."
Also try to come up with a stronger ending than this "Apart from being a grandfather, grandpa has been my best friend and my role model. "
The kind of person I am today is mostly because of my first teacher, my grandfather
Hi! Love your essay! I would only add a few items giving background of your grandfather. How old is he? Where did he grow up, this will give the reader an idea of his ideaology and methodology due to his raisings and where he grew up. The more detail you give about your grandfather, the more we will understand why you chose him as important in your life. Overall good essay. The more detail will also help your issue with amount of characters, see the more information you give, you worry less of the obvious (characters needed), why?-because it's more thorough :) I hope that helps. Can't wait to read newest version! Enjoy your Nww Year!
Make it longer
focus on one story and add more details to it
remember show not tell
good luck!
Great work, but maybe remove an anecdote or two and elaborate on more on what you've learned or how you've changed.
