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'My goal is to ignore people's opinions about me' - admissions essay for NJIT


amjad123d 1 / -  
Oct 29, 2009   #1
I need help evaluating my essay! ASAP!

Everyone in the world has certain goals that they wish to accomplish. Whether it is possible or impossible, they may still pursue it, only because everyone has something to live for, otherwise there is no point of being alive. My goal is to ignore people's opinions about me and do what makes me happy. I am the kind of person that is judged too often by other people. I learned that in New Jersey Institute of Technology, the student body is filled with a variety of different people. The University has a lot of Muslim students which makes me more comfortable because I am a Muslim myself and I will surely get along with all of my friends there. My parents made it an important aspect of my life to be a good Muslim and to represent the Muslim community in a way to change other peoples corrupted perceptive of a Muslim. As the oldest son in the family, my parents wanted me to grow up disciplined and happy. My parents always emphasized how without an education, you cannot get anywhere in life, and without a degree, you are really going to have a hard time finding a good paying job. I want a career in engineering and that is why I want to become a student at New Jersey Institute of Technology.

Growing up in North Bergen, my hobbies were playing soccer and riding bikes. I always used to love taking apart my bike just to understand how the mechanisms work and I have the capability to dissemble a bike and reassemble back together. All the neighborhood kids used to always come to my garage to tune up their bikes. My dad was a big influence on me because he owns an auto body shop so I grew up around cars and I learned the mechanics of how a car worked, as I grew older. My dad also encouraged me to play soccer and that also was a big part of my high school years. Soccer occupied most of my life but I stopped playing so that I may focus more on my schoolwork. I am really hoping to tryout for the soccer team at New Jersey Institute of Technology .

Mechanical Engineering is a major that extremely appeals to my interests. New Jersey Institute of Technology offers the Society of Automotive Engineers (SAE), which is something I really want to get into because the future of automotive industry is growing and I know the school will benefit me in many ways. My love and aspirations for mechanical engineering is beyond obvious and I believe that this aspiration is the single most effective motivation for me to apply to New Jersey Institute of Technology. The mechanical engineering programs offered at this university will definitely challenge me constantly. I am eager to be a part of the society. New Jersey Institute of Technology s campus is extremely beautiful and appealing to me. I was fascinated when I made my first visit to the school last year. Many of my friends and family currently attend the New Jersey Institute of Technology, they love it, and all recommend me to pursue my career there. As the top engineering school in New Jersey, it really lives up to its reputation. New Jersey Institute of Technology really suits me and my fields of interest and its location is convenient for me. I honestly believe that I would be a great addition to the schools student body and I look forward to becoming a proud student of New Jersey Institute of Technology.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
I learned that in New Jersey Institute of Technology, where the student body is...

Hmmm... what is the essay prompt? The first paragraph is not so impressive. I mean, you write well, and that is impressive, but why tell all about feeling like people judge you too much? Why not tell about your strengths instead?

What is the main theme of the essay? You always need to know that by the time you finish writing it.

I think you can make your point about enjoying the diversity at this school in a single sentence, and you can make the point about your parents raising you to be disciplined in the same sentence. Condense a whole paragraph into a sentence or two. That is powerful!

This shouls not be a story of your life, but rather, an artful expression of a single, overarching idea -- what is the main idea? How is it connected to mechanical engineering? That is the question. Find the special truth about your aspirations and how it is connected to this school and that major. I think you should condense the first 2 paragraphs into a few sentences that will go in paragraph 2, and then add a new intro -- one that expresses the main idea of the essay.
essayman123 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2009   #3
I would suggest that you write about a specific event, take all this information and somehow plug them in the essay in coherence. I initially wrote an essay much like this and I've re-written mine about 7 times. Now, I have an essay that talks of a specific moment that was special to me, that impacted me in some way that perfectly portrayed my personality. I would ask you to do the same.


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