My goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people - success definition

This is for my essay applications, so I hope you will give comments for my work. Thank you:)

Everybody wants to be successful in life. Success can be defined as many different meanings depending on each people's views such as making lots of money, having a stable job, or a happy family. For me, my goal is having lots of money to help homeless as well as poor people.

Since I was young, I have been already aware that I am so much luckier than many children at the same age. I have my own family as a strong wall for me to count on. I have chance to go to school without worrying how to find a place to sleep tomorrow because I am raised and protected wonderfully by my parents. One time, when my mother stopped to fill gasoline for her motorbike, I saw very old woman carrying a baby and selling tickets. They looked tired and exhausted; however, the old woman still asked everybody at that station to buy her tickets slowly and patiently. Nevertheless, most of them ignore. Other time, on my way to home, there was an old and blind lady who sold chopsticks, and again, everybody who stops at the red traffic light neglects her. In two times, I ask my mother to give them few money because I feel pity for them. Where were their children? They are too old to do these things to make lives. However, my mother also told me that these poor people can trick others kindness. I know that circumstance happens sometimes but not always.

Since then, I have encountered many cases like two situations I have mentioned above; sometimes young children who are even under six year old are the victims. My dream just came from that. I wish that I can built a big building and gather as many homeless people as possible to give them home, daily meals, and warm beds. I wish I can make classes for young children to study. On the weekend, they can create handmade stuffs that can be sold in a fair. They have opportunities to play, to study and to pursuit their dreams. For the elder, they do not have to shake under the cold, or handle other people's chilly attitudes. They can do exercise in the morning, have hot soup in the evening, or spend their time with others. What I imagine is so beautiful that I never want to forget.

I really enjoy doing charity with my class. Sometimes, we went to the Peace Village in my local hospital to visit and play with handicapped children. We brought toys, cookies and candy for them. Sometimes, we went to pagoda where abandoned children were raised by the monks. Moreover, my school often organizes contribution campaign in order to provide clothes, notebooks, textbooks for poor people. I don't have chances to give the gifts directly to those people but I am happy because I am part of someone's happiness.

I know that my dream is so big, so unrealistic and so pink that just happens in fairy tales, as people say. Nonetheless, that goal obsesses me since I was a little kid until now, and absolutely it will do so till I am an adult. I believe that it becomes my motivation for my study as well as my career. I have to try my best to make this dream come true, but first I have to make myself that this dream can be come true.

Strikeouts mean to delete and the red words are the replacements:


- can be defined in various ways ...


- on each person's views


- children of the same...


- My family is a strong support system that I can count on


about a place


- our motorbike (since you were with her at the time)


- I saw a very


- The people ignored them .


- One time


- ignored


- I asked (be careful of your tense usage)


- a little money


- I felt ...


- survive


- to give them a home


- weekends (You re talking of more than one weekend here. Be careful of the plural forms)


- pursue


- forget it


- we go ( tenses problem again)


- at my local...


-- we went to the pagoda


- campaigns (plural form again)


- so pink that it just happens...


- goal has obsessed me


- and I am looking forward to doing it as an adult.


- This is the motivation that I use for my studies and career choices.


- I will do my best to make my dream come true by following the academic and career path that will make it a reality.

I hope you don't mind that I improved upon some of your sentences to make it more artistic and flow better. This is a very heartwarming essay :-) I hope my review helps you.

thank you so much, vangiespen. It really helps :)

Include your topic or the prompt in your post. It is easier for us to align our feedbacks more with your requirement when we know that :)

Success can be defined as many different meaningsways depending on each people'sindividual's perceptionviews such as making lots of money, having a stable job, or a happy family.


Again, what is this topic about? Is it about "success" or "your goal" ?????
Since I was young, I have been already aware that I am so much luckier than many other children at the sameof my age. I have myown family as a strong wall for me to count on. I have chance to go to school without worrying how to find a place to sleep tomorrow because I am raised and protected wonderfully by my parents. ... there's lots of redundancy in these latter sentences... You keep talking about the same thing and that may get the reader bored :(

Thank you for you comment :) I think my latter sentence emphasizes what I mean, why I am luckier than others.
And, the topic is: considering you lifetime goal, discuss how your current and the future academic and activities might help you to achieve your goal. :) sory I forgot to mention it:)