Could anybody check my personal statements. Don't laugh, I'm just a fob.
PROMP#1
Eight years ago when I first came to America marked an unforgettable event in my life; my parents got in a divorce. It was devastated for me to know the truth, I thought life in America would be better. As the only child in my family, I received much love but also take much responsibility. The changing tragedy in my family has shaped the person I am today.
Life back in Vietnam was punishingly brutal and living conditions were harsh. Having the second chance to start over and escaping this hard living life, my immigrant family decided to travel to America with nothing but the hope of having a better life. Every day, they keep finding new opportunities and work extra hours in order to survive the new world. I know they had tried everything they possibly could for the sake of my future. Unfortunately, not so long after we lived in America, my parents got divorced and our family split up. I was still young, my parents didn't want to tell me much about it; but I knew what was happened. I felt shocked and devastated at the moment, but I didn't want them know or worry. I let myself cried at night to relive my deep sadness. I remembered my mom wanted my dad to take care of me because she knows I will have a brighter future if I stay with my dad. My mom told me she will be gone for a while and that I need to listen to my dad, but that was the last time I saw her.
Since my mom wasn't here all these years, my relationship with my dad got really closed; I felted like we were friends. He spoiled me in many ways, he just wanted me to stay happy. Nothing that the other kids have that I don't have. As I grew older, I started to realize my dad is getting old and tired but have I done anything for him yet. He has had a job in the Auto Body Shop for years. The job is not easy; it involves a lot of physical works. Sometimes I visited his work place, it was just heartbroken to see him work. When the weather got cold in the winter, I saw him come home everyday all pale and exhausted. Being his only child, I felt deeply sad and remorseful. I couldn't do anything for now but focusing on my education to make him proud.
I have always been interested in the field of building and designing materials. Since my dad worked in the Body Shop, I received many great advices from him. He taught me the basic structures of a car. I have had experiences in fixing the cars with him. For these recent years, I researched about my career and how that benefits me. I finally came up with mechanical engineering. It was the job that I thought would most suit my career interests. My dad gave up too much for me that he almost forgot about himself. For this reason, I know cannot let him down. His loves and hard workings from these years encourage me to strive for the success of my future even more so that one day I could give a pleasant life like he was to give it to me.
As my high school years coming to an end, I started to realize life is short and precious to lose. The times in high school are fun and exciting, but it doesn't stay forever. Now is time to begin thinking about the future. My parents worked hard for their entire life and put in such great sacrifices just for their only child's future. Their loves for me set the determination in my life.
Prompt#2
Writing the first personal statement brought back many sad memories. As I get started to write my second one, I realized time goes by really fast. I remembered I was just a freshman few years ago, and now I'm a senior writing my personal statements. If times could stop, isn't that just great. As I grew older, I felt there are more things to handle. I have always been interested in developing and designing something but I couldn't find the career that would suit my interests. When I was younger, I have tried to operate my electronic toys and see what is wrong in it. Of course I didn't do it by myself, I followed up with the videos on the internet. I felt proud of myself when I could actually fix it, but most of the times I broke it.
My intention of becoming a mechanical engineering came from my dad's job in the vehicle-related field. I received great advices from my dad. He taught the basic structures of a car. I often watched him fix a car and asked him questions along. I obtained every little of advices that received from him and his workmates. He knew my interests in this field, and let me help him. These recent years, every single car that I helped him is an accomplishment during my high school years. His loves and advices help me find the foundations of my goals in life.
During my high school years, I finally knew what I want to do in the future. I have a big goal in life; I want to create my own company. However, with the desires and determinations, I will strive for the success of my life.
There are a lot of fluff sentences in your essay. If you eliminate them or reword some sentences, your whole essay would be stronger!
For example:
" I remembered I was just a freshman few years ago, and now I'm a senior writing my personal"
