Tell me what you think: it asks what my major is and why it is....also how I will "further my academic interests at Cornell" (what ever that means)...thank you so much in advance...
You write too well, so I don't think you really need to seek advice :D
I had to fulfill a duty to my parents by managing the family wine and spirits store
... I'm wondering whether you should capitalize the store part to attract attention to it!
At first, I was indifferent to commerce; I thought it was dull and unless rewarding
...I changed punctuation and reduced the negative effect of "unrewarding"
Within a few months, I had a strong desire to make my family business one ofto be the best in the city.With six identical liquor stores with in a one mile radius, competition was fierce, yetand thrilling.
Every three weeks, I worked with our marketing specialist to target certain types of customerscustomer segments .
However, my time spent on analyzing different types of businesses created my own vision
I have an undying love for nature, and I want to preserve theits beauty.
It's excellent writing as always... My suggestions are just for you to consider ! :)