An office job at a multibillion-dollar corporation
A job at a multibillion-dollar corporation
I feel there is a stigma that office, blue collar jobs aren't the "dream jobs" of kids. You are contradicting yourself when you say that a dream job is an office job.
as if I were a real employee
as
though I were a real employee
that held responsibility
I would preferably change this to something like "..gave me the feeling of responsibility"
I get what you're saying 100%, but It's probably just an awkward idiom for me.
These were some of my trophies from the internship, safely stored in my computer.
I would remove that, or at least reword it to be more streamlined with the previous sentence. As it is now, it's a misplaced branch on the tree.
To my own surprise
To my surprise
I had to ask my supervisor.
I
asked my supervisor
I guess Steve Jobs had warned me already.
I would remove this sentence and put his name in the sentence with AUTOBIOGRAPHY. It'll provide a more concise structure of what you want to say.
I was able to challenge my upholding of money through firsthand experience
I want to see more of an anecdote on how this relates to the person you are. I'm kind of confused as to how this experience shows your personality. I agree that you did had the sudden inspiration by a quote in an autobiography, but it doesn't explain the lasting effects of this experience.
This experience had taught me a lesson, perhaps the most important one: know your priorities.
How? How did this experience teach you this? I wonder if I'm reading too much into this, but good essay. Keep working hard!