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'found a job at a local store' - essay


CheesyCake 4 / 14  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
What can i do to make this essay better?

I am often pointed out as the least wise one of the three siblings. For the longest time, the only reason I want to do something well is to show them that they are wrong.

I found a job at a local store. This would make me the first child to be employed in this family. With both pride and joy, I enthusiastically pounded my fist on the dinner table couple time. "I have found a job at the store on the next block and I start working this weekend!", I delivered with an pride, waiting for my ovation. I elucidated how I could perfectly manage to balance between school work and the job. First of all, I would only work during weekends, which means I have sufficient time to focus on my school work throughout the week. Secondly, I would have my own money, so I don't have ask my parents for allowance, which lessen their burden. Lastly, I see this as an exceptional opportunity for my first step into the adult society, where I would gain experience by interacting with a great variety of people.

Sitting at his chair with his hands leaning on the table, he tightened his jaw. His blistering eyes glanced at me like they were beaming furious heat waves, except that they were cold and shivering. I see the demise of disappointment in his eyes. The words, somehow the truth, spewed from his mouth and heart, " Your grade is really a shame and disaster compared to the one of your brother. You are not the rabbit in the race, you are the turtle... Know your place." Instead of an expected endorsement, the final sizzle in his voice retorted me with an "absolutely no", yet with ignominy.

Days later, I took the job and maintained a decent grade. Never before had I felt victory. Honestly, sometimes I like being humiliated and underestimated by other people. I find it a way to motivate myself to try my best and most importantly, to show them what I am really capable of; I am more than what I look I am.
elephant1 2 / 16  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
I think this essay makes it seem as if your only motivation in life is to please others? Sorry if that sounds harsh.
OP CheesyCake 4 / 14  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
how do u do that? srry, im new to this forum
Nerd99 2 / 2  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
it's a little bit confusing...who was sitting at his chair? your dad?
OP CheesyCake 4 / 14  
Dec 30, 2011   #5
yeah. sorry it should really be Sitting at his chair with his hands leaning on the table, "my father" tightened his jaw.
Snowflakes 1 / 8  
Dec 30, 2011   #6
Good story, but focus more on your conclusion and how you are motivated to excel and prove yourself despite what others think. Also, it would be helpful to show your determination through a short story, like maybe the first day of working, or a stressful day that was very packed, which you managed to balance well. Focus on showing your strengths and character, not telling the reader. Also, just as Amira mentioned, be more clear about who was sitting in the chair, and connect your paragraphs so that your essay flows. As of now, the paragraph "Sitting at his chair with his hands leaning on the table..." is out of place. Weave it into your story more naturally.
OP CheesyCake 4 / 14  
Dec 30, 2011   #7
what do you suggest i do now?
Anarion - / 3  
Dec 30, 2011   #8
I agree with above posters, conclusion has to be stronger. Find something that other people will not be writing about for a conclusion


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