'Flushed' + 'I am exhausted' - Extra Curricular activities essays

First one:
"Can I shit?" With a calm aura but flushed up red cheeks, I smiled and muttered, "Ya, sure." After a hustle and bustle of bag packs unpacking in the room, I looked up at my student and said, "Next time, say, can I siiiit, okay?" After a puzzled look from everyone, I continued, "Well, shit means..uhm...something else" and yes, went on to explain further. As an English instructor whose class consists of students from jaunty high school graduates to shy housewives, from modest ex-soldiers to upbeat media students, this incident is just another fun memory. I love my job. Not only because of my passion for teaching and the language itself, but also for the vital role I get to play in my students' transition to the new world, a place where speaking English has become a ticket to liberation, thanks to globalization. The camaraderie I experience among the students trying to decipher English language is very valuable to me and something I feel lucky to have witnessed.

Second one:
I am exhausted. I feel numerous drops of sweat traveling throughout my body, teasing and tickling me. I look around. I see other people sweating equally, some hammering their thumb instead of the nail, couple clumsily doing it more than once, some frightened to climb up the roof, some horrified to come down. All of a sudden, I hear everybody violently belching out to Tim McGraw, unfortunately, not in unison, and then arrives a roar of laughter. As a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, I realize, this is what I yearn for; this wonderfully placid allegory of camaraderie. There is not a single hint of picayune problems lurking over anyone's face. I observe the haggard looking yet jaunty students conscientiously working to build a home for families they've never met. Restoration of compassion and hope takes over, humbling me and everyone else present. I realize I am determined be a part of this exhilarating project for a long time so I smile and keep on toiling away happily.

Ps. I had actually submitted the second one when i applied to a school couple of months ago. Now i am applying to Smith, so i was wondering if i should submit the first one, which i wrote about an hour ago or the old one. Let me know. Constructive , not so constructive , all feedbacks are welcomed. Thank you, as always, in advance.

I personally the second one is better because it's more special and show yourself.

Just my suggestion and hope it could help.

Got it. I know i wrote it but i feel like i sound a bit phony and kiss assy type, which i am not. haha

Anyway, thank you so much for the comment

The second one is definitely a much better piece, overall it is well balanced and appealing...

Thank you very much for the comment. :)

I agree, second one is better, although I couldn't initially get at what you were trying to say.

Also, "belching"? I don't know about that word. It's kind of crude, and not in that charmingly self-deprecating way.

haha i actually meant "belching" to mean people singing loudly. Is it not used properly? I know it also means burping, not the good one, if there is a good burp and a bad burp that is.

Thanks a lot.

It seems out of place. Belching implies rudeness, vulgarity. I would think that the people you're referring to were drunk or judgmentally impaired in some other way if their singing sounded like loud, wet burps.

Perhaps "crowing"? Or "yowling"? (I'm not sure if yowling is a word per say, but I always imagine a cat meowing loudly and discordantly when I think of the word, and that may be the feel you're trying to achieve with this).

Looked up "Crowing", I am definetely putting that word instead of belching. Thanks. :)

Hello Menuka

First Essay:

Starts off with a bang, good attention-grabber with the use of shit. One thing I am uncertain of though, is who do you teach exactly? Because your list of students does not give me the impression that these persons struggle with English. Otherwise fairly good essay.


Suggestion: I smiled my cheeks flushed and calmly muttered
Something sounds rather off with that phrasing.

Suggestion: The camaraderie I experience while students try to decipher the English language is very valuable to me and something I feel lucky to have witnessed.

Second Essay:

Eh I rewrote it in past tense.

Suggestion: I was exhausted. I felt numerous drops of sweat travelling down my body, teasing and tickling me. I looked around and saw other people sweating equally as much as I was. Some hammered their thumb instead of the nail, the clumsier ones doing it more than once and while some were frightened to climb the roof others were horrified to come down. All of a sudden, I heard a loud explosion of Tim McGraw's song (you can probably state the name of the actual song here) starting at different intervals before a roar of laughter. I realized that I yearned for the wonderful camaraderie I experienced every time I volunteered at Habitat for Humanity. There was no hint of a problem on anyone's face and as I observed the jaunty students who devotedly worked on building homes for families they had never met, I was humbled. Habitat for Humanity provides compassion and hope to everyone involved and makes me all the more determined to be a part of this exhilarating project.

The last sentence still sounds a bit awkward to me, but I have no idea what you were trying to say. You used a lot of words that did not fit where they were. So my advice is to not embellish your vocabulary at all. It disturbs the flow of the essay and honestly I still don't get coherent thoughts or the gist of what you said form what I read.

Hopes this helps!

First essay:

I teach english classes to people who never went to a boarding school. In my country, only students who go to boarding schools have a fairly good idea of how to read, write and speak english.

Love both of your suggestions.

Second essay:

I know, the ending bit is very weird i must say. I was trying to say that i had been smitten by the surroundings so much that i had made up my mind there and then to be a part of Habitat for Humanity from there on, something like this.

Ps. I have no idea what song it was. It was a country song and Tim Mc graw is the only one i have heard of. I might actually just put a random song there.

All in all, i absolutely appreciate all the effort you went through to make corrections and i assure you it won't go to waste.

Thank you so very much.

Oh I see. Makes a whole lot of sense now. maybe you should incorporate that somehow in your essay.

Second essay:
Okay. Well just reword it and you'll be fine.
Your welcome, glad to help.

I really like how vivid you talk about your experience. However, I would say you can cut down on the first half where you talk about the scene because that's not as important as talking about what you learned. Good second half, and it'd be better if you expand it.

I would suggest the second one in a heartbeat. --> more personal and appropriate

Coolio....I will submit the second one. But i am going to try to write another one and let's see how that will work.

SUPER DUPER THANKS to everyone :)