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How's my FIT application essay for Fashion Merchandising Management?


answers: 4
Dec 7, 2010, 06:07pm   #1
Hello,

I haven't written an essay in a really long time. I have decided to go back to school and hopefully i will get accepted into Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT) in NYC. If I do, it would be a big life changing event for me since i have a career in CA and would have to quit and move. I'm majoring in Fashion Merchandising Management and really excited to learn about fashion and business. Any help I can get would be much appreciated. Thank you.

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)

Growing up, I was molded to take over my parent's family business. My parents never gave me an option to choose my own path in life and it hasn't bothered me until this year. It has been 5 years since I've graduated high school and I have been working for my parent's company for 7 years. At the time, I felt like I should take advantage of what was given to me by my parent. They struggled and worked very hard to build their company because they wanted to leave their children with something.

SEE BELOW

Dec 9, 2010, 02:55pm   #2
When I first started working there, I felt like I should take advantage of what was given to me by my parents.

Most people would be happy to be so fortunate as to have what I did, but I realized I wanted to build my own life, by doing something I loved.---I changed this a little, but it might not be exactly what you were trying to say.

I spend so much of my time trying to educate myself on the forever changing trends of fashion, I might as well have a career in it.

For the past 3 years, I've worked for my parent's electrical construction company as Vice President/General Manager.

I believe my sister will be ready take over my position soon, giving me the opportunity to follow my passion.

One of the many reasons why I fell in love with fashion is because it has given my high self-esteem an extra boost.

Life is too short to not being doing something you are not passionate about. ---Great!

Good essay, and good luck in school!

:)
Dec 9, 2010, 06:33pm   #3
Thank you so much for the help EF_Susan. I really appreciate it. :)

Below is my revised essay:


Growing up, I was molded to take over my parent's family business. My parents never gave me an option to choose my own path in life and it hasn't bothered me until this year. It has been 5 years since I've graduated high school and I have been working for my parent's company for 7 years. When I started working there, I felt like I should take advantage of what was given to me by my parents.

SEE BELOW
languyen:
my parent's family business.

The apostrophe should be after the s:
parents'

Use a comma when it is a compound sentence:
My parents never gave me an option to choose my own path in life, and it hasn't...

In that first line, I think you should replace the word family with a word that names the type of business. (i.e. my parents' jewelry manufacturing business). It is not necessary to specify "family" because the sentence explains that.

I should go into Fashion Merchandising Management.---It depends on the reason you obsess with it. Sometimes the subject that interests you can mislead you about what you want to do every day for your work day.

As I continue to read, I see that you did a good job of showing that you have a level head and a well-constructed plan. This is pretty great!

I suggest three instead of 3.

between my much older sister and me.

:-)
Dec 12, 2010, 04:33pm   #5
Thank you EF_Kevin! I really appreciate your help. :)

Here's my revised essay:


Growing up, I was molded to take over my parents' electrical construction company. My parents never gave me an option to choose my own path in life, and it hasn't bothered me until this year. It has been five years since I've graduated high school and I have been working for my parent's company for seven years. When I started working there, I felt like I should take advantage of what was given to me by my parents. They struggled and worked very hard to build their company because they wanted to leave their children with something. Most people would be happy to be fortunate as to have what I did but I realized I wanted to build my own life, by doing something I loved. Fashion. I tried to keep it as just an addiction, an obsession, a hobby, whatever you want to call it. Many of my friends and family say I'm always "obsessed" with shopping and reading up on new trends and etc. It finally kicked me this year that I should go into Fashion Merchandising Management. I spend so much of my time trying to educate myself on the forever-changing trends of fashion, I might as well have a career in it.

For the past three years, I've worked for my parent's electrical construction company as Vice President/General Manager. Having worked in that field will give me some advantages on the business side of fashion. When I went from being Secretary to Vice President/General Manager, it caused some tension between my much older sister and me. She has been working at the company longer than I have yet she hasn't moved up from Assistant Vice President/Payroll Officer. My management ability, strategic planning, organizational and budgeting skills were the reason why my mom chose me to take over my dad's position. After three years of being VP/GM, I felt I wasn't growing and wasn't learning as much anymore. Although I have a safe and secure career, I still wanted to pursue a career in the fashion industry. I believe my sister will be ready take over my position soon, giving me the opportunity to follow my passion. I really want to go to school for fashion and business therefore I believe that the Fashion Merchandising Management at FIT would be a great program for me.

One of the many reasons I fell in love with fashion is because it has given my self-esteem an extra boost. Having the right outfit on really does help with anyone's confidence. Many people have told me for years now that I have an eye for unique pieces and great taste for classy yet sexy timeless looks. I always knew I had some talent for picking out clothes, shoes, etc. I love mixing expensive with the inexpensive. Putting a great outfit together is like painting a masterpiece. It takes time, practice, and unique style. Fashion is not just clothes but its art, lifestyle, disguise, and an individual statement of expression. With fashion, it is always changing therefore there's always a challenge. I am very interested in and excited to learn the production, marketing, management side of fashion. I am persistent and determined to find a career in the fashion industry because I truly believe it is the right field for me. Life is too short to not being doing something you are not passionate about.

I feel that there is a lot of potential in me. I know I can succeed, with my combination of drive, curiosity, vision, passion, personal relationship skills, and most importantly the support from my family and friends. My potential will be nothing without execution, education, and experience. I believe FIT can give me the education and networking opportunities I need to execute my plans. I am willing to take the risk of leaving the life I know now to move to New York City to fulfill my dreams. I hope FIT will take a risk on me by allowing me into this program.



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