Thank you EF_Kevin! I really appreciate your help. :)
Here's my revised essay:
Growing up, I was molded to take over my parents' electrical construction company. My parents never gave me an option to choose my own path in life, and it hasn't bothered me until this year. It has been five years since I've graduated high school and I have been working for my parent's company for seven years. When I started working there, I felt like I should take advantage of what was given to me by my parents. They struggled and worked very hard to build their company because they wanted to leave their children with something. Most people would be happy to be fortunate as to have what I did but I realized I wanted to build my own life, by doing something I loved. Fashion. I tried to keep it as just an addiction, an obsession, a hobby, whatever you want to call it. Many of my friends and family say I'm always "obsessed" with shopping and reading up on new trends and etc. It finally kicked me this year that I should go into Fashion Merchandising Management. I spend so much of my time trying to educate myself on the forever-changing trends of fashion, I might as well have a career in it.
For the past three years, I've worked for my parent's electrical construction company as Vice President/General Manager. Having worked in that field will give me some advantages on the business side of fashion. When I went from being Secretary to Vice President/General Manager, it caused some tension between my much older sister and me. She has been working at the company longer than I have yet she hasn't moved up from Assistant Vice President/Payroll Officer. My management ability, strategic planning, organizational and budgeting skills were the reason why my mom chose me to take over my dad's position. After three years of being VP/GM, I felt I wasn't growing and wasn't learning as much anymore. Although I have a safe and secure career, I still wanted to pursue a career in the fashion industry. I believe my sister will be ready take over my position soon, giving me the opportunity to follow my passion. I really want to go to school for fashion and business therefore I believe that the Fashion Merchandising Management at FIT would be a great program for me.
One of the many reasons I fell in love with fashion is because it has given my self-esteem an extra boost. Having the right outfit on really does help with anyone's confidence. Many people have told me for years now that I have an eye for unique pieces and great taste for classy yet sexy timeless looks. I always knew I had some talent for picking out clothes, shoes, etc. I love mixing expensive with the inexpensive. Putting a great outfit together is like painting a masterpiece. It takes time, practice, and unique style. Fashion is not just clothes but its art, lifestyle, disguise, and an individual statement of expression. With fashion, it is always changing therefore there's always a challenge. I am very interested in and excited to learn the production, marketing, management side of fashion. I am persistent and determined to find a career in the fashion industry because I truly believe it is the right field for me. Life is too short to not being doing something you are not passionate about.
I feel that there is a lot of potential in me. I know I can succeed, with my combination of drive, curiosity, vision, passion, personal relationship skills, and most importantly the support from my family and friends. My potential will be nothing without execution, education, and experience. I believe FIT can give me the education and networking opportunities I need to execute my plans. I am willing to take the risk of leaving the life I know now to move to New York City to fulfill my dreams. I hope FIT will take a risk on me by allowing me into this program.