Please give any feedback you may have, negative or positive, about the essay! If you want for me to read over your essays, please, just let me know, and I will be on it. Thanks!
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (250 word limit.)
Dear Roommate,
I would first like to apologize in advance, since I know the years we will spend together are going to be filled with numerous occasions of swarms of people raiding our dorm. We will be wanted on campus in one of two ways: heroes or partners in crime, based on which path we embark on. If we form our very own choir or cooking studio, it will definitely be the latter: wanted all over campus for breaking all the windows and causing countless cases of ear damage or the deaths of thousands of taste buds with my world-renowned burnt-pasta recipe. Yet, I love listening to music, from just instrumental to heavy-rock music, and always look forward to tasting new types of food. Starting our very own dance studio may not end very differently either: I am known by family and friends to look like a frightened chicken when in the heat of a dance (please, don't try picturing it).
However, if we form our own cricket team or become film producers, I am sure we can go ahead and challenge any other team out there or take home the Oscars without a sweat! I have produced plenty of movies, though my most recent hit includes a movie with stars such as King Kong and Jack Sparrow playing leading roles (both played by me)! Speaking of movies, I love fantasy and science-fiction movies, books, and TV shows, such as Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, and can usually survive through a horror movie (given enough popcorn). While living together, I'm sure we will watch more movies than there are pies on Thanksgiving. Speaking of pie, I'm sorry to say that you should embrace yourself for four full frivolous years of some of the worst puns you will ever hear. Well...there is too much to say about the next few years than I can capture in this letter, but I hope to get to know you well and that these years to come will be ones to remember!
Yours truly,
Yash
P.S. If you want to contact me, my prime-ary phone number is 867-5309 (sorry, had to slip it in).
That sounds like a person I would want to share my dorm with. It gives a quite good impression about you, but I read a lot of roommate essays which described funky, crazy and funny people like yours, so it could be that the admission clerk is already tired of this styl. But still, it's one of the better ones i read.
Some polishing ideads:
"Yet, I love listening to music, from just instrumental to heavy-rock music, and always look forward to tasting new types of food. Starting our very own dance studio may not end very differently either" - You go from food to music to food to music again. Switch it. Your transition from music to new types of food is quite simple, and not really witty. I mean, those things don't have anything in common, you just put them together. I would put the part about new food first, so it connects with your cooking skills and then talk about music, to connect with the dance studio.
"I love fantasy and science-fiction movies [...] Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones" - really minor thing: you talk about fantasy and SF, but just give examples about fantasy. I would switch LotR (as it's a really common movie) with a SF movie you like.
"Speaking of movies, [...] Speaking of pie," - To close together to use the same phrase twice.
"worst puns you will ever hear" - That's bagging for an example, why don't you include one there? Or am I just to stupid to notice it :D
But like your other essay, it's mostly polishing, I really like the writing and the essay. Maybe you could help me with my roommate essay as well?
