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First day at new school/country: what makes you unique and colorful..william and mary


answers: 9
Dec 14, 2010, 02:17am   #1
hey guys..heres my attempt at the william and mary essay...criticisms will be taken well at my end..thanks in advance
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Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude.

My first day at the new school, in the new country was, at the most, not far from being utterly embarrassing. The day before, realizing that I had nothing warm to wear to the school, my sister took me to the nearby Walmart to buy a sweater. Acquainted with the crowded bazaars of India, I could least be mesmerized by such a humungous....

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Dec 14, 2010, 07:55am   #2
I clicked over to this from your commonapp essay, and they're both about being Indian! I think that makes you seem a little unidimensional, and I'd strongly advise you switch the topic for one of them... you said you're a fun-loving guy, maybe you should focus this essay on that?
Dec 14, 2010, 11:12am   #3
yes that is what i felt upon reading everything once again..however i was just hoping that it is not as apparent to people..maybe i was just trying to find a way to avoid writing another essay...but with your comment, i am definitely either rewording or rewriting this one... unidimensional is not what i'm going for

thanks a lot
Dec 15, 2010, 01:01pm   #4
hey guys..so i completely changed my essay as i was not happy with my first one..as always, i will take your criticisms well :)
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Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude.


I am...

A novice. I migrated to America in my ninth grade year of high school and I have been away from my parents since then. My parents work as physicians in India; I am here to make my own identity, and to grab opportunities that are not washed off my parents' influence.

A multilingual. Besides being fluent in English, Gujarati, and Hindi, I can also comprehend Urdu. I love reading Gujarati and Hindi just as much as I enjoy English. Sometimes at...

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Dec 16, 2010, 07:16pm   #5
so your second draft is definitely much better than your first..however, i recommend you also talk a little about how your interests and hobbies make you unique..this i think would truly show that you aren't unidimensional
Dec 18, 2010, 11:51am   #6
okay so i thought the first paragraph differed greatly from the ending where the mood is a little jovial..so i decided to play on the word colorful in the prompt..here is the revised version what are your thoughts?
______________________________________________________________________ _________
Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude.


I am...

A multilingual. Besides being fluent in English, Gujarati, and Hindi, I can also comprehend Urdu. I love reading Gujarati and Hindi just as much as I enjoy English. Sometimes at school, I am called a "language freak"; however, I choose to refrain from that title until I achieve the level of linguistic command that my father possesses on these four languages. I strive to learn Spanish before my fluid memory vanishes; therefore, I plan to continue studying this language in college, adding on to the three years of Spanish I have already conquered.

A food lover. From breakfast to dinner, I carefully choose the food that might suit my palette. Throughout these seventeen years, food has presented me with the joy that video games and television could not. I enjoy food of every sort and nationality. My options are limited, some say, being a vegetarian. But I disagree with them for to me, they only exemplify a lack of knowledge. There are countless vegetarian delicacies that can suffice a normal diet in both nutritional and gustatory values. I am close to food and I often joke to my parents saying that one day in my later life, I will surely work as a food critic for The New York Times.

A cricket player. With Donald Bradman as my idol, I had broken several records back in India at the under-thirteen district tournaments. I play as an all rounder in a cricket team, which allows me to hold important positions in both the batting and bowling innings. Besides cricket, badminton is another sport that I excel in. However, in America neither of the two sports is much popular. Therefore, upon moving to this country, I adopted the game of tennis. I consider tennis to be an amalgam of cricket and badminton: from a sport like cricket comes the much needed footwork for tennis and from badminton comes the basics of several shots such as the backhand. As a result, even without professional coaching, I am glad to be among the top six players on our school's varsity tennis team.

A bathroom singer. Every morning, I think, my guardians wake up to my sweet voice, sometimes getting a chance to listen to the melodies set by The Beatles or, if they are lucky enough, getting a pleasant dose of my all time favorite romantic Bollywood songs. I have been warned against disturbing them so early in the morning; however, as soon as I enter my bathroom, the singer within me rises. To not sing while showering is one of my nemeses since I am aware of the fact that it can be a breach of etiquette, in some cases.

A Colorful person. God has gifted me a beautiful brown colored skin, one that prevents me from employing elaborate tanning services and allows me go out and play in the sun without the fear of sunburns. Among the shades of white and black, I present a color that brings a new dimension to the seemingly monotonous zebra striped society.
Dec 18, 2010, 01:41pm   #8
Hey i love your second essay but you should describe more about a hobby or interest and if you can somehow wrtir a funny or serious experience on that and show the reader that your unique and your essay isn't like everyone else.
Dec 18, 2010, 01:54pm   #9
I think it is great. The only thing I would comment on is the paragraph where you say you are a cricket player and then talk about badminton and tennis. I believe you should consider starting the paragraph saying you are a Tennis player because you had to adapt into a new sport that combined 2 sports you used to play and excelled in. Something along those lines.



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