How do you feel .. would benefit from having you as a ss? What can you contribute?

Hi, I need your feedback for my application essay (250-500 words). Did I answer their question? Do I need to show more specific details about what I can contribute?

Thanks a lot!

08/25/2008
Dear diary,
Today is the first day I go back to school after a long Summer vacation. Everything is new this year: new classes, new teachers and new friends. This is the last year of secondary high school and everybody seems to not want to waste time, we talk like we have known each other for a long time. Just like last year, I am the disciplinist, but this year I am also in charge of organizing events for my class. This is the first time I am given this job so I feel very excited. This year is going to be a great year.

09/20/2008
Dear diary,
My friends and I are practicing a dance performance for the school's music show. We start practicing earlier than last year because we want our performance to be perfect. Everyone is trying their best and we have a lot of fun too. We practice at my friend's house, because she is usually at home alone so we have to prepare lunch ourselves. The boys keep urging the girls to cook quickly while they fool around so we, the girls, force they to cook for us. The dishes are not very tasty but not bad either. After today, those boys might want to thank me for letting them know how hard their moms work to cook for them everyday.

10/24/2008
Dear diary,
Something expected happened and we must prepare a new performance. There's not much time left and I have had a hard time thinking about it. If I let my friend do a solo performance, I will have nothing to worry about. But this is the last year at school, I want my classmates to do something together, something that makes this year unforgettable. And I came up with a reckless idea: if we can't do break dance, let's do ballet, let's perform Swan Lake. My friend thought I was joking when I told them about it but finally, they agreed to join me. I know that my idea is weird, but it's no harm to try, right?

11/15/2008
Dear diary,
Tomorrow is show time and we have finished our practice. It's not completely a ballet performance but more like a play without using words. We have a party to celebrate our hard work and this time, the boys volunteer to cook for the girls. They have made good progress since the first time and we have a lot of fun, not only today but also everyday, both at school and when we are practicing.

11/16/2008
Dear diary,
Today we had a very successful performance. All the students were excited despite our little mistakes. At the moment we shared the stage together, I realized win or lose was not important anymore. I have had a lot of precious moments I can never forget and friends that always be there for me, that's everything to me. I believe that my friends have the same feeling too.

Hey, Can you please state exactly what the prompt is? I can't tell if you answered well because i don't know what they have asked...

In the mean time, a few pointers here





Overall, i think your grammar and expression are good...

~All the best~

*prompt: How do you feel ... would benefit from having you as a student? What can you contribute?

Some of my friends said that I didn't answer the question because they couldn't see what I can contribute through this essay and the structure seems cliche1, so I should write another essay.

Something unexpected happened, and we must prepare a new performance.

Hey, all you need to do is change some sentences so that they include the word "contribute." You are talking about accomplishment, skills, and a sensible attitude. These are things you can contribute, so use the word contribute in your writing.

This part is very nice, but I'll make a small change:
At the moment we shared the stage together, I realized winning or losing was not important anymore. I have had a lot of precious moments I can never forget and friends that always be there for me ; that's everything to me.

:-)

Thanks for the help, I'm going to edit it now.