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need feed back:UCF-How family history, culture, or environment influenced etc.


answers: 3
Hi!
Will someone please help me fix up this essay?
It's a super rough draft, something I wrote in about 30 minutes.
Don't go easy though! Tell me if it sucks!
:]



How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

Growing up, most kids make it a goal not to be like their parents. For example, kids who were abandoned would never think of leaving their future children on someone's doorstep. The goals I want to achieve in life are based off the hardships that I have seen my parents struggle through. These goals shape the way I feel about all aspects of life and helped develop the person I have become.

My parents live their lives according to what they have seen their own parents do. My mother has sworn that she will not have multiple children with multiple partners and has succeeded because she only has me and is still with my father after 23 years. The circumstances are ironic though because she does not really like my father and vice versa. My father was dirt poor and was raised alone by my grandfather. He feels entitled to buy whatever he wants because he now makes a sizable salary but has seem to forgotten the copious amounts of student loans and other debts he's racked up over the years.

I have learned through my parents a kind of maturity that I would not have received from anywhere else. Even though I abhor some of their methods I just might end up teaching my kids in the same exact way. The basic structure I have planned out for my life is to get a degree in a field I'm passionate in, settle down, and raise some good kids but the exact occurrences in my future are going to forever be unclear to me. Striving to do everything at my full potential, I will: take my time when looking for a spouse and settle down with someone who appreciates me fully, work together to save money for our retirement funds and our children's futures, and always work to fulfill my dreams no matter what obstacles come my way.

Nov 28, 2009, 01:35pm   #
The goals I want to achieve in life are based on the hardships that I have seen...

My mother had sworn that she would not have multiple children with multiple partners and has succeeded, because she only has me and is still with my father after 23 years.

I have learned through my parents a kind of maturity that I would not have learned anywhere else.

Even though I abhor some of their methods, I just might end up teaching my kids in the same exact way.

The basic structure I have planned out for my life is to get a degree in a field I'm passionate in, settle down and raise some good kids, but the exact occurrences in my future are going to forever be unclear to me.
Well, the content is the art of it all. It is not for anyone to say what is wrong or right. We usually give feedback from the perspective that you are trying to persuade an admissions officer that you should be given admission.

In this case, subtle persuasion is used as you talk about your culture/family. You know that they are challenging you to show that you feel appreciation for "diverse" people and for your own cultural characteristics. This is appreciation for life, and appreciation for life makes you able to contribute to the world. In your essay, you can be more strategic by scratching out this:
The basic structure I have planned out for my life is to get a degree in a field I'm passionate in, settle down, and raise some good kids but the exact occurrences in my future are going to forever be unclear to me. because it expresses uncertainty -- and there is no reason to express uncertainty. Instead, say something you are certain about... something involving culture/family and your intended major/career. That is my idea for you...an idea for letting them see how you are focused on the future.



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