this is what i wrote so far for the first essay in an application for UT
but i did not know how to conclude it ...
can i get some help please
write an essay about someone who had a gret impact on your life, explain how, and why is he important to you
There are two ways through which a person can be affected by another person. The first way happens by live interaction with others, like when teachers teach their students something new, or when people decide to change something in their lives just because of an advice they got from somebody else. If we describe this way as direct, Then, The indirect way would be when a person gets affected by knowing someone else's opinions, thoughts, or story. Like what happens when a person reads a book, or an article, or even a biography, he\she will certainly be affected by it.
Normally, fathers try to have a direct effect on their children, so they could feel that they play an important role in the lives of their kids. Otherwise a man could not call himself a father.
Although my father's job prevented him from affecting me directly, I was still affected by his story. My father was born in the 1950's, in Bahrain. Shortly after his birth, my grandfather decided to move to Kuwait, where my father spent his childhood. After finishing high school, he was not discouraged by the fact that his grades where to low to get him into college, he decided to move back to his homeland, Saudi Arabia, where he joined an oil company. He started there as a simple worker, however, he helped himself by taking some courses, especially in English, which allowed to get promotions and raises. After a while, he got married, and started a family, and bought his own house. My father got my brothers and I into a private school, to make sure that we get the proper education that he did not get, but because private schools cost a lot, he had to continue working for 33 years until I (the youngest of my brothers) have graduated, then retired. Now, all of my brothers have finished college, and started their own careers.
Looking all the way back at how my father began, without nothing, even without a proper education, to what he achieved now, he managed to raise himself to a relatively decent position in the company he worked for, and raised enough money to buy his own house. His story inspired me to seize every chance and opportunity, to develop myself, and to improve and sharpen my skills, because each and every one of those opportunities might prove to be useful for my future. It also taught me to face my problems, even if they were difficult to solve, instead of giving up and losing hope. However, the most important lesson that I have learned from my father's life, is that any obstacle can be overcome with persistence and commitment.
When I compare what I have now, to what my father had when he began, I see that everything has been facilitated to me by my supporting family, this fact urges me to strive for more, and put no limits to my aspiration. The help that I get from the people surrounding me, and the hopes and expectations they have for me, all of this makes me feel that if I did not complete my education and get at least a masters-degree, it would be a huge disappointment for them.
[I really like the concept of your essay. However, there are some improvements
[quote=mohannad]where to low to get him into college
this should be "were too low to get him into college"
Although my father's job prevented him from affecting me directly, I was still affected by his story
Well, since this is your thesis statement, I think you should rephrase it. Make it more exciting, but without loosing the idea.
without nothing[/quote] Rephrase this...with nothing in hand...without anything...
quote=mohannad]all of this makes me feel that if I did not complete my education and get at least a masters-degree[/quote]
delete "all of this" ...(sentence fragment)
I think you should give an example from your life (if applicable) about how your father helped you, instead of just stating what he did.:)
Your essay is interesting and has a good flow. However I feel that the beginning part ruins the flow of your work.
I would scrap the part about the direct way of affecting people, and begin with the indirect method of affecting people. You could mention that while this method is uncommon and often taken for granted or missed, you were lucky enough to open your eyes to the impact your father's life had on you.
Of course, this is just a suggestion. Otherwise, great job!
There are two ways by which a person can be affected by another person.
The first way happens during live interaction with others, ...
...something in their lives just because of an advice they got from somebody else.
If we describe this way as direct, then the indirect way would be when a...
After finishing high school, he was not discouraged by the fact that his grades were too low to get him into college. He decided to move back to his homeland, Saudi Arabia, where he joined an oil company.
for 33 years until I (the youngest of my brothers) have graduated, before he can retire.
Looking all the way back at how my father began, without nothing, ...
..all of this makes me feel that if I did not complete my education and get at least a masters-degree, it would be a huge disappointment for them. Be sure to mention that YOU would be hugely disappointed also!! :)
