I just need an opinion from people who are not my friends. Do you think this is too dark for an entrance essay? Thank you to anyone with feedback!
My mother comes to pick me up, the day after a long night of waiting tables. Today isn't like normal though. My grammy is clutching my mother's arm, her eyes bloodshot. I cry because I do not understand what is going on. Grammy says she was just in the pool for too long, but I know there's more to it. My dad is not home and I do not know why.
I did not know then, but I soon found out my father strangled my mother during a heated fight. Her eyes bloodshot from crying. My father was not home because he was in jail. The obstacle I had to overcome in this situation was visitation with my father. The act of seeing him wasn't the problem, but the way I had to do it. Every Sunday, I went to a place for children of domestic violence victims. It had dingy, gray carpeting and dreary eggshell colored walls. There was a room in the center, surrounded by windows, where I would "play" with my father. People were watching you from the other side of the glass. It felt like were lions in a zoo cage. There were toys and movies, but they did not make the experience any better. After an hour of torturous "fun", my dad was taken behind a metal door to be cuffed, a thrown back in the county jail. I went to therapy, but It did not help much. All I did was cry and give one word answers when she asked me questions. Talking made me feel sick. Where did my dad go behind that door? Why does he not come home anymore? So many questions left without an answer.
My life was impacted greatly by this experience. I couldn't see my father without a supervisor for months. Wondering what made him do it. What did my mother do to deserve this? As time went on, I forgave him, but the memories of all that went on will never leave.
- You only have a limited amount of space to state your case. This portion is just a word filler. so it can be omitted.
- Go directly to telling this story. Only work in how you found out what happened. Jump directly into the obstacle. In fact, open the paragraph with it for more impact. Explain how you felt when you found out he was arrested and why. Delve deeper into how you felt sitting in the "fishbowl" as you visited with him. Explain it's impact well into your adult life. That way you can properly explain how you overcame this obstacle.
-Develop this paragraph. Explain the impact. How did you overcome its chain reaction in your life? How did you work on forgiving him? Why will the memories never leave? If you say you will never forget the memories, can you actually claim to have overcome the obstacle of what happened in your life?
