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My Father, My Hero - Personal Essay


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doing my personal essay on the person who has influenced me the most. its NOT FINISHED AT ALL! this is what i'm starting with. I just need feedback to know if i'm going in the right direction. No paragraph is complete, and i hope to have four+ paragraphs. PLEASE let me know what i could do to improve because i am a horrible writer. thank you


My Father, My Hero

Throughout a child’s life their parents guide them into the right direction while being there every step of the way. My father made the biggest impact during my childhood, he was there to guide me to success which left a positive influence on me. At a young age I did not have a mother figure in my life, she unexpectedly walked out leaving my military dad with two young girls and it was up to him to take on the roles of a mother and father.

Unlike my mother, my father took on double amounts of work but he was still there to steer me in the right direction. He has always told me that no matter how hard your day may seem it will always get better if you think positive.
My dad would stay up all night just to help me with school work, when I couldn’t understand he wouldn’t let me give up. I would try and try and continuously fail because I wouldn’t set my mind to something.


(last paragraph)
Words cannot express the things my father has done for me. Not only is he a father he is a hero, my hero.
Dec 2, 2012, 12:33am   #2
cinderss:
Unlike my mother, my father took on double amounts of work but he was still there to steer me in the right direction. He has always told me that no matter how hard your day may seem it will always get better if you think positive.
My dad would stay up all night just to help me with school work, when I couldn’t understand he wouldn’t let me give up. I would try and try and continuously fail because I wouldn’t set my mind to something.


I think you can delete the beginning " Unlike my mother" cause it's not necessary to compare them in your essay.
Dec 2, 2012, 09:40am   #4
the essay is good although its not unique. a lot of people write about their parents on this topic. but as long as you can make the essay different, you are good to go. Remember not to let your father overshadow you while writing the essay. although you are writing about someone who have made an impact on you the main character of the essay should be you. Try answering questions like what kind of changes have i gone through because of my father? how has my father's actions made me a better person?
also do not just praise your father. that will not keep the reader hooked. try including specific incidents or quotes from your father.
the last sentence is good but a little cliche like. a lot of people use that and if not something like that. try coming up with something stronger. something that will have the thinking about your essay even if he has finished reading it.
Dec 2, 2012, 10:33am   #5
This essay is not bad but i feel that it needs improvement.

cinderss:
Throughout a child’s life their parents guide them into the right direction while being there every step of the way.

This is true to every child and therefore needs to be presented properly.
Parents guide their children throughout their lives. They will make sure that their child is on the right path and would be there for him every step of the way.

cinderss:
At a young age I did not have a mother figure in my life, she unexpectedly walked out leaving my military dad with two young girls and it was up to him to take on the roles of a mother and father.
...........This is an important part of your essay as it shows the huge responsibility your father had been left with. I think it would sound better like this.
My mother walked out on my father when i was just a little girl, leaving him to take care of me and my sister all alone whilst he served in the military.

The part where you say unlike my mother is inappropriate because it is hard to understand the connection between that and the part that follows.

I like the way you have shown how much you and your dad were close. :)



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