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'he is my father' - ApplyTexas Essay undergraduate prompt A


answers: 2
Hey guys I stumbled on this page while working on one of my essays for college applications and I was hoping for some feedback on this essay. Anything you guys have for me would be greatly appreciated :)

The prompt is as follows: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Here's a rough draft:

Write about a person who impacted me. An ambiguous request, a lot of people have impacted my life in one-way or another: my middle school math teacher, my youth pastor, even the waiter who served my dinner last night. Each of these individuals have played roles in my life, roles that vary in size and importance, each an actor with a purpose in the plot. The man with the greatest role, the most defining role, the most impactful role, has been, and will be, my father. He has starred in roles like father, mentor, and friend. Time in and time out my father has impacted my life in both large and small ways.
Naturally, my father is someone I would look up throughout my life, him being my father. There are those spoken things that I have thanked him for that made an impact, driving me from A to B or helping me when my back was against the wall. But, it's the unspoken and unacknowledged things that have happened that have made the biggest impact on my life, for example signing me up for cub scouts when I was little and being with me every single step of the way towards achieving Eagle Scout. Fathers are the unsung heroes, and when cast correctly they are also models and example of lives for the children to emulate and grow into. My father is no exception, cast perfectly and has been the defining role model in my life.
Every protagonist of every play, musical, or film has always had a mentor beside them to offer guidance and wisdom as protagonist continues along his journey. My mentor has walked beside me my entire life, offering guidance and loving reminders at each step and crossroad. He has helped me in every school subject from Algebra to Engineering Design, in religious thought, and moral ideology. Yes, he is my father and cares about my education, but to him it's not the grade on the page or the GPA rank that matter, it is understanding and mastery of the lesson. He's not worrying about feeding me for a day, he would rather teach me to fish for myself.
The role that the protagonist interacts with the most, the most influential role to the hero is the one person consistently by his side through the thick and the thin: the Friend. From Sam Baggins to Han Solo, the hero is never without. My father is not only a father or mentor; he is more importantly a friend. My father is somebody I can talk or joke with, someone I can get ice cream with or simply sit on the couch and watch television. He does not have to pretend or act or be somebody else to "relate to my generation".
Yes, he is my father and I should only have good things to say about him. He never abused my, drank, smoked, swore, or did anything considered 'defining'. What's defining about my father is that he never abused my family, drank, smoked, swore, or anything of the sort. What's defining about my father is that he lives a life above repute, and that is impactful. What's defining about my father is his ability to act as the father, mentor, and friend figures in my life. Yes, he is my father.

Thank you so much in advance!
Zachhturner:
Write about a person who impacted me.

I would strongly suggest against restating the prompt in your essay, especially in the first sentence.

Zachhturner:
An ambiguous request, a lot of people have impacted my life in one-way or another:

This is a run-on sentence. Also, just say "one way or another."

Zachhturner:
The man with the greatest role, the most defining role, the most impactful role, has been, and will be, my father.

I understand why you'd want a good build-up, but this feels like too much. Also, you might want to say "has been and always will be my father."

Zachhturner:
But, it's the unspoken and unacknowledged things that have happened that have made the biggest impact on my life, for example signing me up for cub scouts when I was little and being with me every single step of the way towards achieving Eagle Scout.

Try and break this stuff up. Eagle Scout is a great achievement, and could deserve its own sentence. Congrats, by the way!

Zachhturner:
My father is no exception, cast perfectly and has been the defining role model in my life.

This sentence just doesn't work for me. You could try this: My father is no exception: cast perfectly, he has been the defining role model in my life.

I will have more later! Good luck!
Sep 3, 2012, 06:13pm   #
Write about a person who impacted me. An ambiguous request, a lot of people have impacted my life in one-way or another: my middle school math teacher, my youth pastor, even the waiter who served my dinner last night. Each of these individuals have played roles in my life, roles that vary in size and importance, each an actor with a purpose in the plot. The man with the greatest role, the most defining role, the most impactful role, has been, and will be, my father. He has starred in roles like father, mentor, and friend. Time in and time out my father has impacted my life in both large and small ways.
Naturally, my father is someone I would look up throughout my life, him being my father. There are those spoken things that I have thanked him for that made an impact, driving me from A to B or helping me when my back was against the wall. But, it's the unspoken and unacknowledged things that have happened that have made the biggest impact on my life, for example signing me up for cub scouts when I was little and being with me every single step of the way towards achieving Eagle Scout. Fathers are the unsung heroes, and when cast correctly they are also models and example of lives for the children to emulate and grow into. My father is no exception, cast perfectly and has been the defining role model in my life.
Every protagonist of every play, musical, or film has always had a mentor beside them to offer guidance and wisdom as protagonist continues along his journey. My mentor has walked beside me my entire life, offering guidance and loving reminders at each step and crossroad. He has helped me in every school subject from Algebra to Engineering Design, in religious thought, and moral ideology. Yes, he is my father and cares about my education, but to him it's not the grade on the page or the GPA rank that matter, it is (add the) understanding and mastery of the lesson. He's not worrying about feeding me for a day, he would rather teach me to fish for myself.
The role that the protagonist interacts with the most, the most influential role to the hero is the one person consistently by his side through the thick and the thin: the Friend. From Sam Baggins to Han Solo, the hero is never without. My father is not only a father or mentor; he is more importantly a friend. My father is somebody I can talk (add to) or joke with, someone I can get ice cream with or simply sit on the couch and watch television. He does not have to pretend or act or be somebody else to "relate to my generation".
Yes, he is my father and I should only have good things to say about him. He never abused my my family or me?, drank, smoked, swore, or did anything considered 'defining'. What's defining about my father is that he never abused my family, drank, smoked, swore, or anything of the sort. (Redundant, I see the affect you're trying to make but try just simply saying is that he never did any of those things as mentioned before). What's defining about my father is that he lives a life above repute, and that is impactful. What's defining about my father is his ability to act as the father, mentor, and friend figures in my life. Yes, he is my father.

Your essay is very, very good! Flows well, is focused, answers the prompt and has good voice. Good job! Please edit mine! :)



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