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My Father essay


answers: 14
 ME menamilad  
Jan 20, 2009, 06:29am   #1
SEE BELOW

Jan 20, 2009, 09:57am   #2
Well Mena, to be brutally honest, I do not think this essay will produce much of an impact on the admission committee. The idea definitely works, but it should be better executed. You focused on your dad too much. What you should have focused on is your relationship with him. I can see that you've tried to do so, but you fell a little short; struggle a little more and you can reach your objective.

Oh and another thing wrong thing with this essay are the examples. Like the one about your dad buying your sister a laptop. Didn't work for me. Search for better examples, ones that include you. Make up stuff if you need to but make sure that they don't sound superficial. Honesty is not always the best policy.

I wish I could correct the small mistakes that mar your essay but I gotta go see obama!!

Ciao for now.

haha that rhymes
 ME menamilad  
Jan 21, 2009, 06:38am   #4
SEE BELOW
You're a fan of Obama,huh? :P

In my opinion, you went so far in describing your father, instead of yourself, which can make adcom think that what I've got are all owing to your father, not your own effort. Furthermore, your essay is a little bit wordy. I think you have a good way of writing as long as you make it more succinct. :)
 ME menamilad  
Jan 21, 2009, 07:33am   #6
fine , could anyone help me trim it abit
You can cut out this:

His teachings are pillars and signs that will help me in the long journey ahead. He taught ambition and optimism; he always told me to love what I do till I do what I love, and instead of whining I should work.
My dad always wanted me to be in a good physique and lead a healthy life. He noticed that whenever he is watching a soccer game, I would sit next to him joyfully and start asking questions.
Now, right after this you start talking about soccer without starting a new paragraph. I suggest you either cut the part about soccer or move it further down in the essay. It would be great to see it like this:

I am a product of my father's teachings and support. He is a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me. Since the softness of my skin, my father has taught to never give up and to hold on to what I believe in, and to thank God no matter what state I might be in. The reason I am sitting here writing this essay is that...

I also think that you can explain the thing about the laptop and the funera in one concise sentence to make the essay more trim and powerful.
 ME menamilad  
Jan 21, 2009, 10:21am   #8
fine i did all what you told me to do.... how about it now..please give me your feedback

I am a product of my father's teachings and support. He is a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me. Since the softness of my skin, my father has taught to never give up and to hold on to what I believe in, and to thank God no matter what state I might be in. The reason I am sitting here writing this essay is that my dad encouraged me to study in the United States. He wanted me to receive the highest level possible of education; however, the fees are greater than other universities in Egypt. He didn't want to me to be an ordinary kid, but one who can make a change.
At first, my definition of a pharmacist or a doctor was a man who gets paid for giving medicines and medical shots. Whenever the doctor came to check on my grandmother who suffered from kidney failure and brain strokes, he would leave her at comfort and ease, and I can tell from my dad's facial expression seeing his only mother at ease. My definition then changed; I see doctors now as people who bring relaxation and ease to people wherever they go. When I told my teachers and friends that I want to be a doctor or a pharmacist, some told me that it's impossible as it requires 6-7 years of hard work. But I got a different supportive response from my dad; he was glad that I had a goal and he told me to hold on to it. I don't want to be an ordinary pharmacist who works to make living, but someone who can make a change to better. I once told my science teacher that I want to make a change. She replied "to better or to worse" as she laughed; however, I took that as a motivation as I would prove to her and the whole world that I am.
My dad's teachings were a cure for my selfishness. He taught me to consider everyone as a part of my family and sometimes to put myself in his/her shoes. I believe that the biggest fantasy in live is to buy someone something he really needs and watch his facial expression I believe that the biggest fantasy in life is to buy someone something he really needs and watch his facial expression. Sometimes I take money from my own savings and buy McDonalds food for a less fortunate person and watch him enjoying his meal from a place where he can't see me. I can see the impact of this teaching during the camp when we ran out of resources and I shared my personal food with all my campmates.
My father is a gregarious person which I kind of picked along the way. He taught me how to deal with different kinds of people with respect and love. He always leaves an impression on every person who knows him. He led a very colorful social life. I learned to treat people for what they are not who they are, for what sort of a person they are, rather than what social status they have. He taught me to never judge someone from his outside, but from his personality.
I believe that the best traits I acquired through my dad are optimism and persistence. My dad taught me to love what I pursue till I pursue what I love. Although my first month in my soccer training was horrible and my coach told me to quit, I trained harder till I became one of the best defenders in my school.
From my place I am thankful for everything he taught me. He taught me things that I need or was going to in life. I am what I am because of him and whatever I will achieve in life my will be credited to him. I believe that my dad will always be with me even after his soul leaves his body; he will be there through his teachings that I believe are my duty to pass on to my children. He will be there through me; when the people see my remarkable success one day, they will know the value of his teachings. He taught me everything about life; hope, faith, and the long journey ahead. To me he is the greatest hero.
Jan 21, 2009, 04:49pm   #9
[s]Since the softness of my skin, my father has taught to never give up and to hold on to what I believe in, and to thank God no matter what state I might be in.

however, the fees are greater than other universities in Egypt.

Sometimes I take money from my own savings and buy McDonalds food for a less fortunate person and watch him enjoying his meal from a place where he can't see me.

Although my first month in my soccer training was horrible and my coach told me to quit, I trained harder till I became one of the best defenders in my school

At first, my definition of a pharmacist or a doctor was a man who gets paid for giving medicines and medical shots. Whenever the doctor came to check on my grandmother who suffered from kidney failure and brain strokes, he would leave her at comfort and ease, and I can tell from my dad's facial expression seeing his only mother at ease. My definition then changed; I see doctors now as people who bring relaxation and ease to people wherever they go.

Omit everything in bold. They seem unnecessary

There are many sentences in this essay which make you sound extremely arrogant. I do not know whether it was intentional but you have got to sound humble. Having confidence is one thing, going overboard is another. Delete all of the following sentences and phrases.

I believe that the biggest fantasy in live is to buy someone something he really needs and watch his facial expression

rather than what social status they have

when the people see my remarkable success one day, they will know the value of his teachings.

I don't want to be an ordinary pharmacist who works to make living, but someone who can make a change to better. I once told my science teacher that I want to make a change. She replied "to better or to worse" as she laughed; however, I took that as a motivation as I would prove to her and the whole world that I am.


Sorry for taking away such a major part of your essay. I am not a know-it-all and normally I don't mess people's essays up this much. But I really felt that your writing needed a lot of fixing. Sorry moderators, I don't know if I'm acting out of my league here.

Do not be discouraged. As I said before, the idea is great. Keep struggling. Hard work pays off.
Jan 28, 2009, 04:08am   #12
it turns out great after u edited it..
somehow i agree with hassan..
anyway everyone has his/her writing style.. n maybe its just your style
the idea is great though
 ME menamilad  
May 4, 2009, 03:48pm   #14
any critiques ?.. I will submit this same essay once again to a new university



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