I'm applying for Fall of 2015 at FIT and need some essay criticisms/help! The promt: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)
How can I reword my last paragraph to make it less redundant? How can I make my paragraphs more cohesive? And how can I conclude? THANK YOU
Having grown up as one of the top academic students in my class, I was always under the impression that my future was determined for me. Not a matter of choice, but a binding, preset path. Expectation said that I would become a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. Although choosing another career path was always an option, it was presumed to be a waste of my potential. Because of this, I spent a large portion of my upbringing believing that I had to devote my life to one of these occupations in order to be successful. During that time, I accepted my apparent fate without thought. But recently, I have begun to question the true definition of the word success. Sure, these careers would provide me with a stable income. They would allow me to live comfortably, perhaps even extravagantly. But when I ask myself, "Would they make me happy," I know undoubtedly that the answer is no. I cannot deem a passionless life successful; I have to recognize that if I do not break the intellectual stereotype set before me, I will never be successful in my life. So I am pursuing a career in the arts.
"It's a shame, you're so smart." I grew livid with anger. The color drained from my face and I felt tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I wanted to scream, but all that escaped me was a faint giggle and a smile. Upon sharing the news of my decision to pursue photography, I expected a joyful reaction, but all that I received from my former teacher was a notion of disappointment. The comment was less than flattering, and I took offense to the ignorance of her words. Yes, I am smart-smart enough to recognize that life is too brief to be spent doing anything other than what I love. And with its diverse culture and professional experience, FIT is unequivocally the perfect place for me to pursue my dreams.
My introduction to photography started somewhat inversely-not behind the lens, but in front of it. For the past three years, I have been fashion modelling for numerous clients ranging from local designers to international businesses, and it has allowed me to have a behind-the-scenes look at the fashion photography industry. During my time as a model, I subconsciously absorbed numerous lighting techniques, photoshop actions, and manual camera settings, which have allowed me to transition into photography with ease. As a model, my favorite part of the process has always been viewing the results of a shoot. It is absolutely incredible to see your body turned into a work of art, and as a photographer, it is very gratifying to bring that same euphoric feeling to my clients. I am applying as a photography major for that very reason-I feel that it is my duty to bring out the beauty in a world tainted by insecurities.
FIT will provide me with infinite benefits, and as a prospective student I intend to give back to the college by becoming an active participant in campus life and activities. Having maintained an unweighted 4.0 GPA throughout my high school career, I plan to join the Honors Program where I will continue to challenge myself and strive for high marks. As an active participant in local art festivals and flea markets, I will partake in the on campus flea market to show my support for other growing artists. Having been voted the Bayside South Player of the Year in my high school volleyball division, I hope to contribute to the Tiger's stellar reputation and help them bring home many more victories in the coming season. I will participate in FIT's photography club to bond with other artists, build my portfolio, and get new perspectives on my work. Lastly, I will passionately seek and complete an internship in the fashion industry to help FIT maintain their incredible employment rate after graduation. I strongly believe that with my ambition and drive, I am the perfect candidate for FIT.
I think that we need to create a focus for your essay in order to remove the redundancies and add a focus to the essay. Right now, you are talking in general about your academic accomplishments and extra-curricular activities. Since FIT is known as a school of business, art, and technology, design, all in relation to the fashion industry, I believe that you need to focus on one of the seventeen majors offered by the university.
The best way to tailor fit this essay to its requirements is to pick a major and then review your academic and extra-curricular experiences. Outline which parts are relevant to the course you are applying to. Brainstorm the best way to present your achievements in those fields and then draft a preliminary essay that contains just your general thoughts. As you read your outline, you will discover which portions you will want to highlight in the paper and then expand upon those areas by offering each topic its fully developed paragraph. Keep in mind, the paragraph needs to be tailored in a way that will relate directly to your choice of majors.
While your current essay tells us everything about your academic and extra-curricular activities, it does not show a probably career path for you. That is what this essay is looking for, the possible career path that you are looking into. I believe that by trying out the guidelines I gave you above, you will be able to eliminate redundancies and tighten the focus of your paper.
