In the world, most of people need to change themselves. It might be they meet somebody who inspires them to do something that never done before and I am one of those people. I love volleyball so much since I watched SAORI KIMUEA on a TV. She is a Japanese volleyball player and very famous because of her beauty, talent, and skills of competition which are reasons for me want to be like her.
The previously, I met her. I disliked exercising very much I had never thought that sports were very exciting. I wasn't interested in any sports. I was very an inert person and didn't prepare to study, do activities with friends, or the challenging things until I had seen the fierce volleyball game that SAORI KIMURA played, I felt enjoyable and wanted to play, the same time I really admired her smile, beauty, and sweet moving which are the important things for me or can say another way that I want to change myself form an inert person into an enthusiastic person.
Initially, I just only watched I didn't know the rules of volleyball and how to play it. I didn't have courage I was afraid of the mistakes, but I want to be the best volleyball player, so I decided to play for my dream. I tried to play, but my first time wasn't easy I began to use my arms to hit the ball, suddenly the ball was backward. In fact, it should be forward, at that time my friends laughed very loud. It was so embarrassing, but I had never surrendered, I tried again I practiced harder and harder. Finally, I can play volleyball better than before, and last year, I became to be a volleyball player of my school team I was very glad.
The volleyball taught me many things such as what is the teamwork? Don't be afraid and technical of doing new things because everything has to practice the same as playing volleyball. For those reasons, I don't have to worry about mistakes when I do the challenging things. I have to thank Miss SAORI KIMURA who is my inspiration she makes me know the endeavor and have more daring especially, I can play the volleyball like her even thought I haven't been good enough yet, but I promise that one day I will be the famous volleyball player like SAORI KIMURA.
most of people => MOST PEOPLE
It might be they => My suggestion: It might be BECAUSE they
that never done => that THEY HAVE never done
on a TV => ON TV
a Japanese volleyball player and very famous => a VERY FAMOUS JAPANESE volleyball player
The previously, I met her. I disliked... => Revise this!! My suggestion: BEFORE I SAW HER ON TV, I disliked
the introduction, is it ok?
It's ok, but I think it should be more interesting, because to me, sentences like "in the world, many people are this and that, and I am also this and that" are pretty cliché. So in my opinion, starting this with sth more personal would be more appealing.
Just my opinion.
Best
one more question, what about the conclusion?
I think the conclusion doesn't have to be so long. You should seperate the part about what volleyball has taught you from the conclusion, make it one paragraph (and if you can, expand it a little bit), or if you want to keep it that way, shorten it.
Then, state what you expect yourself to become in the future (e.g: you'll continue to work the hardest to be as good and as famous as her...). If you can make the conclusion strong and show your determination in it, your essay will be more memorable.
Also there are some spelling and article mistakes in the conclusion. Reread and correct them.
Again, these are just my opinion.
And btw, why do you capitalise the player's name? Is it compulsory for this task?
Best
thank you so much :) it's very useful for me and my exam
