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My family had sacrificed so much; Why I want to transfer


jennnyyyy 2 / 4 1  
Feb 26, 2013   #1
I just wrote this and I feel that it kind of sounds awkward at parts and need some editing.Thanks!

When I immigrated to the US from South Korea just over ten years ago, I knew that getting a good education and doing everything possible to lead a successful life would be my biggest goal. My family had sacrificed so much of themselves just to make sure I had the maximum opportunities and that only increased my determination for giving it my all in everything I did. My mom and I packed up our whole lives and move across the country, leaving everything we knew behind for a reason, and I wanted to prove it. With this in mind, I was fully ready to embark into my next four years at Virginia Tech last fall when I first stepped onto this campus. However, although I feel that Virginia Tech is a great university that offers many opportunities for all their students, I feel that I could receive a more well-rounded education at William and Mary that fits better with what I wish to take from my college experience. With the college's top ranked Business program, rigorous courses, smaller sized classrooms, diversity, school spirit, and its location in the beautiful colonial town of Williamsburg, I know that there's no other place out there that I'd rather call my home away from home.

From what I've seen and heard, I feel that William and Mary has the perfect balance between superior academics and a great social scene that cannot be found at any other school. When I visited the this past winter break, I immediately felt at home the minute I stepped onto the campus, which is something that I unfortunately never felt at Virginia Tech. I love that although the students are highly involved in different organizations; their academics come first before anything else. I know that not only would I be receiving a superior education in business from its nationally ranked Mason School of Business, I would also be educated in other fields that would make me more of a well-rounded candidate when I enter the work force, something I feel that Virginia Tech lacks. Every student I've ever met only talks about the school with enthusiasm and pride and it would be an honor to be a part of a school that is so prestigious in every way possible.

Although I do not feel that Virginia Tech is the perfect place for me, I highly value the memories it has given me. I have met some great students and professors, and I truly understand why there are so many students and alumni who love the "Hokie Nation." My past year has taught me what how I want to spend the rest of my college career, which is at a smaller school, with more diversity and driven students at a place with an excellent business program. William and Mary meets my needs more than any other school I've come across, and I hope that I will have the opportunity to be a part of this amazing institution, and soon have the pride towards my college that many of my friends feel towards Virginia Tech. I know that receiving an education at William and Mary will make the hard move from Korea worth it and offer me not only a great experience during my college years, but also all the great opportunities I ever wished to have even after graduation. I truly believe that William and Mary will be the perfect home for me, and I hope to be joining the class of 2016 next fall with over 8,000 new family members.
ftypeman - / 4 1  
Feb 26, 2013   #2
My mom and I packed up our whole lives and move across the country (moved)

However, although (kind of awkward, maybe just Although or Even though)

From what I've seen and heard, (I would stick with what you've personally experienced, not what you've heard)

I really like it. You're not afraid to take a huge risk, you acknowledge the facets of your current college that are disappointing and why that would be different at W&M.

I would print this out and read it over a couple of times, out loud, so you get a feel for how it flows. Also, you will notice if you've made grammatical errors.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Feb 28, 2013   #3
Well... I read your full answer... It's ok, but I feel that you should have given more emphasis to explaining your future career and professional plans. I find you have not talked much about what you aim to be as a professional. That makes you look less visionary. Tell them what you intend to be and what you intend to do. Show your passion for it. And then tell you need to fill certain gaps in terms of knowledge, exposure and that's why you intend to receive this opportunity. :)

Good Luck!


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