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Your family history, culture, or environment influenced - how it influenced


answers: 3
Jun 23, 2008, 03:11pm   #1
Hello, i am applying to UCF and need some feedback on these two essays, any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm usually pretty good at these things but they are so small and so important i'm having the block of my life :(

topics are How has your family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are? and Why did you choose to apply at UCF? max at 250 words

My environment is a compilation of different cultures which have molded the type of person I am today. I was born in Peru and was raised in a catholic family, church every Sunday was a given and even went to catholic school as a child. This type of education is very strict and teaches young individuals to act with respect to others, respect authority figures, and keep an effective work schedule to accomplish all tasks. These are qualities I plan to carry with me throughout my life. My ability to communicate in English and Spanish allow me to be a part of two very diverse ethnic group. This is very important to thrive in today's multicultural world.
The qualities and values that I have received over the years have helped me realize how important it is to be able to treat all people with the respect that they deserve, without letting prejudices or stereotypes get in the way of my actions. I have had the chance to learn from and coexist with many people, each with their own combination of different cultures. I believe it is a person's culture that defines who they are. I am very grateful for my diversified background and look forward to not only sharing my qualities and ways, but also plan on learning from new diverse experiences that I will encounter in the future.

and


I am applying to UCF is to find my independence. I was born in Peru and moved to the United States in 1998 when I was only eleven; I have lived in South Florida since then. I have made a lot of friends here and even some of my family has moved to the surrounding areas. When I finished high school I decided to attend my local community college rather than starting at a university. I did this because I didn't feel ready to be on my own and this way I could still get a head start on my education, while I readied myself to move to Orlando.

Now that I've completed my Associates Degree. I feel the need to start the next chapter of my life. I choose UCF because it is largest undergraduate school in the state of Florida, as well as the sixth largest university in the nation. UCF is also listed in "The Best 361 Colleges: 2006 Edition", by the Princeton Review. I tend to rise under pressure which is why I set my sights on UCF. I am going into the business world and I know UCF will give me the foundation I need to succeed in this competitive world.


The second one i feel needs the most work because i just cant think of good writable reasons to go. i just want to move to orlando while still going to school :(

Thanks for any suggestions

Jaime

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"My environment is a compilation of different cultures which have molded the type of person I am today. I was born in Peru and was raised in a Catholic family; church every Sunday was a given and I even went to a Catholic school as a child. This type of education is very strict and teaches young individuals to act with respect to others, respect authority figures, and keep an effective work schedule to accomplish all tasks. These are qualities I plan to carry with me throughout my life. My ability to communicate in English and Spanish allows me to be a part of two very diverse ethnic groups. This is very important to thrive in today's multicultural world.
The qualities and values that I have received over the years have helped me realize how important it is to be able to treat all people with the respect that they deserve, without letting prejudices or stereotypes get in the way of my actions. I have had the chance to learn from and coexist with many people, each with their own combination of different cultures. I believe it is a person's culture that defines who they are. I am very grateful for my diversified background and look forward to not only sharing my qualities and ways, but also plan on learning from new diverse experiences that I will encounter in the future."




"I am applying to UCF is to find my independence. I was born in Peru and moved to the United States in 1998 when I was only eleven; I have lived in South Florida since then. I have made a lot of friends here and even some of my family has moved to the surrounding areas. When I finished high school I decided to attend my local community college rather than starting at a university. I did this because I didn't feel ready to be on my own and this way I could still get a head start on my education, while I readied myself to move to Orlando.

Now that I've completed my associate degree. I feel the need to start the next chapter of my life. I choose UCF because it is largest undergraduate school in the state of Florida, as well as the sixth largest university in the nation. UCF is also listed in "The Best 361 Colleges: 2006 Edition", by the Princeton Review. I tend to rise under pressure which is why I set my sights on UCF. I am going into the business world and I know UCF will give me the foundation I need to succeed in this competitive world."

I think you have very good reasons for which to attend UCF; it looks like you have done your homework and know what you want out of a university, and it seems like UCF is the place. You could expand a little as to which program interests you, and what you plan to do with the education once you graduate. That would help the school get a better feel for who you are and where you plan on going, as well as increase your word count.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



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