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Family history, culture, environment influence - UCF essay


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Aug 25, 2008, 06:55pm   #1
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

REMOVED

Thank you in advance. I was wondering if it answered the question and if you had any ideas that would make it more interesting and appealing. This is my first draft and it is due on Wed. so I am working a lot on it. How i can expand it maybe?

Good morning.

Here are my thoughts:

"My family environment influenced me in almost all aspects of my life both in and out of school. My younger sisters force me to think responsibly in my work to perform as a positive role model to them. We are close friends even though sometimes we fight or get mad at each other. Overall, my family has been there to make me a better student and person. What about being responsible outside of your work responsibilities?
Especially during hard times in my life, my mom pushed me to my true potential. Whether I was competing in a swim meet or studying for school, she kept me focused and concentrated on performing better in school and inspiring? to be an aerospace engineer. She places high expectations and supports me as a swimmer and a student. Sometimes, I had felt that a course was becoming too hard or confusing to me she always backed me up a hundred and ten percent. She drove me to swim practice and cheered for me during my races and rewarded me when I earned good grades in school. During the two year divorce, she instilled many characteristics and habits that prove to be important in my life. What are those?
Under close scrutiny, I became more responsible and diligent in my schoolwork and arrived at school with the necessary knowledge to perform well on tests. I study for small and large tests the same and view them as equal in importance. I complete homework at all times and understand that preparation is the most important part of preparing for tests. Let's not use "prepare" twice this closely together. How about, "...and understand that preparation is the most important part of taking a test," or "...that being ready is the most important part of preparing for a test." The family environment molded me into a more passionate and successful student by supporting me, resulting in my having the confidence to succeed in my ventures. After understanding how much I took attending a private school for granted, I changed my attitude and wanted to succeed in each respective year. Now, I am using this top notch education to my advantage and strive to perform well in all my classes no matter the difficulty. The overall relief and joy that I experience when I am one of the few people to get an A on a test can not be matched anywhere else. Taking pride in my work is the most important influence resulting from my family atmosphere. Rather than trying to escape from studying for a test, I understand that preparation and what? are necessary in performing well on exams. "

I think you answer the prompt very well. A few suggestions for expansion, but other than that you've got a good first draft. Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Aug 26, 2008, 07:54am   #3
okay here is a more revised version. take the liberty to change it, expand it, and organize it better. Thank you in advance. It is the same prompt question. I have one more important question. Do i organize the essay correctly? Because the teacher that reads over my essays and corrects them always says that they are not organized like they should.

REMOVED
Good afternoon.

Well, no matter what type of essay you are writing you always need an introduction (or thesis statement), a body, and a conclusion, in that order. Let's see what you've got here:

"My family environment influenced my personality and nature by providing me with the confidence to succeed in a challenging environment. This is a good introduction because it is a complete sentence that answers the prompt. The reader has a good idea of what you are going to tell them with a lead-in such as this one. In addition, I have two younger sisters that helped me mature quicker and understand that my attitude and actions outside of school are as important as in school. As a result, I have learned to look at myself through other people's perspective and change my behavior to avoid any misunderstandings and to demonstrate a responsible personality. The family environment molded me into a more understanding person and helped me to perform to the best of my abilities. My family gives me full support during swimming competitions and school activities and has put my success at the top of their priorities. However, more specifically, my mom was the biggest factor in creating the person I am to this day. Good wrap-up and lead in to the next paragraph. Good oraganization.
My mom's nonstop support and guidance kept me on the straight and narrow throughout my school career and motivated me to place my full effort into my work. Whether I was swimming competitively or preparing for a test, she convinced me to focus on the most efficient ways to review materials before a test and taught me to over-prepare. Instead of cramming before the date of the test, she taught me to study an hour each night in order to keep focused on the material and efficiently retain the information. I was motivated by the high expectations she placed on me to improve my grades in school and take more challenging course work. During my junior year, I felt intimidation at the beginning of a difficult course and wanted to switch courses but my mother said "no" and refused to let me. I took the course anyway and rebounded from the slow start to improve my grade after allotting more study time to demanding courses. I learned that by putting more effort and pride into my work I can succeed no matter how difficult a course may seem. I felt full of pride after performing well in the course and owed much of my success to my mother's prodding. I arrived early each and every swim practice, rain or shine, in order to prepare for swim meets. However, my success in swimming was owed to a large part to my mom's consistency in driving me to swim practice and helped instill a hard work ethic. This is a good conclusion for this, but there is no lead-in to your next paragraph to let your reader know you are changing topics. A smooth transition between the two is best.
I study for small and large tests the same and view them as equal in importance. I complete homework at all times and understand that preparation is the most important part of preparing for tests. Again, watch using "prepare" too many times too close together; it becomes redundant. After understanding how much I took attending a private school for granted, I changed my attitude and wanted to succeed in each respective year. Now, I am using this top notch education to my advantage and strive to perform well in all my classes no matter the difficulty. The overall relief and joy that I experience when I get an "A" on a test cannot be matched. Taking pride in my work has been my biggest step in embracing my work and allotting different tasks for each period of time during the day in order to make sure I will be able to complete work to the best of my ability. Being raised under strict standards, I understand the importance of setting goals to provide guidance and confidence when shooting for a goal that is far off."

Again, watch your use of the pronoun "you." Instead, use "I" or "one." Your ending is also a bit abrupt; think of a way to soften it up a bit. Possibly making "Taking pride in my work..." a new paragraph could ease this.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Aug 26, 2008, 06:29pm   #5
Thanks for the feedback how about this revision. I sort of changed it a tiny bit to make it more easily readable and did the corrections you made. thank you again. Just review the same as before.

2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

My family environment influenced my personality by providing me with the confidence to succeed in a challenging environment. I have two younger sisters that assisted me in maturing and understanding that my attitude and actions outside of school are essential too. I have learned to look at myself from other people's perspective and to change my behavior accordingly. The family environment molded me into a more understanding person and helped me to perform at my best. My family gives their total support both in swimming competitions and school activities and has helped me significantly during my school career. My mom was the most influential factor in creating the person I am today.
Her unfailing support guided me on a straight and narrow throughout my school career and pushed me to put my best effort into each assignment. She helped me develop effective study techniques to prepare for swimming competitions and tests. She taught me to set aside a hour and a half each night for studying to avoid the stress of cramming. I enjoy exceeding expectations that my parents place upon me and view them as a challenge to overcome. They force me to find ways to reflect up on myself which allows me to pinpoint small problems before they worsen. During my junior year, I felt intimidated by Chemistry AP and wanted to drop it in favor of an easier class. However, my mother refused to allow me give up and encouraged me to improve my grades by attending extra help sessions and spending extended time on Chemistry material. I rebounded from a slow start and improved my grades by setting aside a small amount of study time each night to over prepare. After completing Chemistry AP, I felt full of pride after ultimately succeeding in that course but put most of the credit to my refusal to switch classes. I arrived early each and every swim practice in rain or shine in order to prepare for swim meets. However, my success in swimming was owed to a large part to my mom's consistency in driving me to swim practice and assisted me in performing well academically.
I study for small and large tests the same and view them as equal in importance. I complete homework at all times and understand that excessive preparation will always yield high test scores. After understanding how much I took attending a private school for granted, I changed my attitude and wanted to succeed in each respective year. Now, I am using this top notch education to my advantage and strive to perform well in all my classes no matter the difficulty. The overall relief and joy that I experience when I get an "A" on a test cannot be matched.
Taking pride in my work has been my biggest step in embracing my work and allotting different tasks for each period of time during the day in order to make sure I will be able to complete work to the best of my ability. Being raised under strict standards, I understand the importance of setting goals to provide guidance and confidence when shooting for a goal that is far off.



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