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My family environment, my life, my UCF essay...


answers: 6
Aug 29, 2009, 02:43pm   #1
The personal statement is a very important part of your application. It assists the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than 500 words or a total of 7000 characters for both statements (refer to character remaining counter below the essay). The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.

How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?



My family environment has influenced my personality by sharing with me the true meaning of family. Growing up I have learned that no matter what a family member may do, you should always forgive them and stay true to one another. My family consists not only of my mother and father, but also close friends and relatives who have always been there for me. They have taught me that my opinions aren't always right, and that I shouldn't judge a book by its' cover. My family environment has molded me into a more understanding person and helped me to perform at my best. They have also taught me to appreciate the things that others have done for me, and never take those people for granted. My cousin Junior has been the most influential factor in creating the person I am today. During my high school career, I felt intimidated by the future, constantly worrying about my future plans, wondering if I would make it in the world? Would I struggle like my parents have while raising me? My cousin has always been there to help me overcome my fearful thoughts. He has always been on top of me about completing my assignments, and has always encouraged me to never give up. Growing up as a Haitian American child I have always learned that family is very important and no one should lose sight of ones family. All the members in my family are relatively close to one another and are always there for each other. All of my best memories have been family moments, whether it was my uncle challenging everyone to dance offs, or my mother and her sisters cooking dinner together and reminiscing about the times they had together growing up. My family has taught me lessons about love, friendship, and the ways of being an understanding person. Which is why I greatly appreciate them for turning me into the person that I am now; a loving and caring person, who is confident and strong. I am now a person that understands the true meaning of family, and I am willing to share my experiences and culture with the UCF community.


part 2:

Prompt: What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

i started it but i dont know what else to write!!! PLZ HELP




Throughout my life I have found myself to be patient, understanding, and ready to lend a hand. I plan to apply these characteristics, and many more characteristics in the UCF community. I'm the type of person who loves to have fun, and I love to make people happy. I find myself to be high-spirited, just so I can keep the people around me happy. I hate to see someone sad; if I do see someone who is, I am quick to try 2 help them feel better. I am very patient with others, which is why I like to listen to, and help others. I may not be valedictorian of my class but I have life experiences that many may not acquire in their lifetime. I feel that the best way to learn is through experience. In my life I've learned the ways to love all types of people, how to be considerate towards others , and I've also learned that I should never let anyone tell me that I can't amount to anything.

My family environment has influenced my personality by sharing with me the true meaning of family.
^^ this introis quite weak
Growing up I have learned that no matter what a family member may do, you should always forgive them and stay true to one another.
^^to be honest, if your applying to college, you should not sound this 4th graderish >.<
My family consists not only of my mother and father, but also close friends and relatives who have always been there for me. They have taught me that my opinions aren't always right, and that I shouldn't judge a book by its' cover. <--- once again, how how this helped you? this is treading towards sounding 4th graderish if you dont say how it has helped you.
My family environment has molded me into a more understanding person and helped me to perform at my best. They have also taught me to appreciate the things that others have done for me, and never take those people for granted. My cousin Junior has been the most influential factor in creating the person I am today. (HOW????)
before i go on, i want to say you have a lot of empty sentences. you say a lot of things like this:
my favorite color is red and it makes me smile. red makes me a better person. have learned that red does not look good on everyone.
stuff like that. you just say stuff, but dont tell the WHY. you just use simple sentences and dont connect them to YOU enough. for example, your cousin Junior, you dont even tell how hes been influential. sorry to tell you, but those kind of things dont make for a good essay.

During my high school career, I felt intimidated by the future, constantly worrying about my future plans, wondering if I would make it in the world? (this is worded awkwardly) Would I struggle like my parents have while raising me? (for some reason, this seems random lol. i know its not really, but it seems random. idk) My cousin has always been there to help me overcome my fearful thoughts. He has always been on top of me about completing my assignments, and has always encouraged me to never give up.

{Growing up as a Haitian American child I have always learned that family is very important and no one should lose sight of ones family. All the members in my family are relatively close to one another and are always there for each other. All of my best memories have been family moments, whether it was my uncle challenging everyone to dance offs, or my mother and her sisters cooking dinner together and reminiscing about the times they had together growing up. My family has taught me lessons about love, friendship, and the ways of being an understanding person.}
^^ this should have been put earlier in your essay when saying why your family

your essay is choppy as well. you break it up too much. i didnt realize you were going to talk about your cousin b.c. your transition into that story about why junior has influenced you was pretty weak. work on your transitions.

Which is why I greatly appreciate them for turning me into the person that I am now; a loving and caring person, who is confident and strong. (this is pretty weak as well. these are the 3 words you would use to describe you? think about this) I am now a person that understands the true meaning of family, (i think youve said this already) and I am willing to share my experiences and culture with the UCF community. (but you really havent said anything about culture, so why mention that here?)

this needs some work in my opinion. :O

good luck! :D
The thing is...almost all of your sentences are empty. My family has taught me this and that and this and that. I would focus on a couple really important lessons and tell the story of how you and your family came to learn these lessons.

Although it is almost impossible to have traits that others do not possess, your second essay is about as plain as it gets.

Work on these a little more.
Aug 29, 2009, 08:58pm   #4
Throughout my life I have found myself to be patient, understanding, and ready to lend a hand prepared para. issue
Aug 30, 2009, 02:11pm   #5
I revised it... i hope this one is better...



My family has always been an important part of my life. No matter what a family member may do, you should always forgive them and stay true to one another. All of my best memories have been family moments, whether it was my uncle challenging everyone to dance offs, or my mother and her sisters cooking dinner together and reminiscing about the times they had together growing up. Growing up as a Haitian American child I have always learned that no one should lose sight of ones family. All of my family members are relatively close to one another and are always there for each other. When I was eleven years old I lost someone that was very dear to my heart. My cousin Ronald had passed away, and because I was the only child he was like a brother to me. I had never been so devastated, and I couldn't understand why God would take him away from me. When it was time for me to say my last goodbye to him, I had realized how close my family was. It was during my cousin's death that I realized all the people I didn't know, and had the urge to know every single one of them. Now that I am eighteen years old I have kept them so close to my heart since the day I met them. Even though God may take away one family member from me, I'll always have the ones who remain. I've learned to love and cherish each and every family member; no matter what hurt they may cause me, I will always be there for them. I greatly appreciate my family for turning me into the person that I am now; a loving and caring person, who is confident, adaptable, and understanding. I am now a person that values the true meaning of family, and I am willing to share my experiences and Haitian American heritage with the UCF community.
jbrilus:
God would take him away from me.

Although mentioning God may be ok but I would just say "...I couldn't understand why he was taken away from me".
jbrilus:
It was during my cousin's death that I realized all the people I didn't know, and had the urge to know every single one of them.

I don't understand why you have this sudden urge.

jbrilus:
I greatly appreciate my family for turning me into the person that I am now; a loving and caring person, who is confident, adaptable, and understanding. I am now a person that values the true meaning of family, and I am willing to share my experiences and Haitian American heritage with the UCF community.

This is a little random. I don't understand why you added the part about Haitian heritage. You add traits that aren't backed by the rest of your essay.



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