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In the eyes of the people we helped, we are truly heroes; Heroism


diy09 1 / -  
Jul 23, 2013   #1
"You will write a narrative essay that: 1) describes what heroism is for you, 2) tells a story from personal experience that made you realize what heroism is, and 3) challenges your audience to try to be heroes in their own way."

Thank you!
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At that moment, I realized that it really doesn't take much. It doesn't take much to go out of your way to help, even in the smallest way possible. It still counts. Though this was not my first outreach program, it is the one which has opened my eyes. Because of the Rotarians, with their spirit of perseverance despite obstacles and always giving more, that day was immortalized in my head.

It was decided one hot summer night in June that I go with my father to the annual Rotary Club outreach program in some parts of Manila. The Rotary Club is a service organization aimed towards the more needy in society, of which my father holds a high position. I was reluctant; the summer was almost over, and I felt like staying at home. I still went. What's so bad about going to an outreach program anyway? Little did I know then that this decision of mine would have such a great effect on me at the end of the day, that a few more lives may by reached out to.

Under the gloomy midday sky of June 13, with the sound of the rain in a seemingly unending crescendo, my father and I, along with many other Rotarians, set off. We set off for a small and needy public school in the low, coastal areas to donate materials to the unprivileged students. The city and its surrounding areas are infamous for its floods. Of course, that meant that it would have been preferable for us to turn around and go home, but we didn't. We carried on, for we knew there were people waiting for us, in need of help.

It was raining hard-as if the sky was crying over the loss of a loved one-the road suddenly seemed longer, the time of travel greater. The unfamiliar surroundings made it even harder for us to get around. Despite all this, the Rotarians never let it get in their way; their perseverance and determination made the project push through.

Finally, after seemingly just wandering around the narrow and flooded streets, we found the school, which like the streets, was flooded too, with students and their teachers waiting the afternoon for us to arrive. Aside from donating materials, they spent time with them, and that is Magis being fully portrayed. Anyone can give to the needy, but only some, like the Rotarians around the world, go the extra mile and share more than just materials with them.

As I looked around the school for the first time, observing the students as well, I felt lucky. The students wear leather shoes to school, but when it rains, as was the case today, they walk home barefoot, shoes in hand. Why? It is to avoid wetting and damaging the shoes. The Rotarians acknowledged this need, and so they brought slippers for them. This way, they may not go bare-foot anymore whenever it rains, possibly saving them from diseases. They were also given bags, and in those bags were notebooks and pencils. The children were filled with joy as we distributed the materials. They don't have this experience every day, let alone every year. I felt blessed, for our family does not have to experience the things these students and their families go through every single day.

Once every student has received their bag and footwear and after talking with the principal, we left. There was less water on the roads now, but still the same amount of cars, as we drove slowly, home bound. What I like about long car rides is that I get to contemplate a lot. Earphones on, separating me from the rest of the world, I thought about the day. Seeing the children so enthusiastic over materials we would probably find too cheap or low quality made me realize the probable why my father brought me along with him in the first place: to open up my eyes to the sad reality that is life. While we complain about not getting that new phone, some people have to keep up with limited basic needs each day. My father brought me with him so that someday, when I grow older, I may be a hero.

Only now did a Rotary program show me how many lives it could affect, and that you don't really need many things to make an impact. In the eyes of the people we helped, we are truly heroes, people who go out of their way to help at the slightest opportunity, no matter how small, regardless of who's in need.
PenAndLens - / 1  
Jul 23, 2013   #2
This is a great essay showing discovery, growth, maturation, and a little bit of adventure through an eye-opening experience. So I've read a lot about college admissions essays (I'm applying to undergrad this year too) and of the piles of advice I've gotten, there's always one that remains consistent throughout, and that's you have to be unique.

Going back to your essay: You mentioned a lot of background on the Rotary program, which is good. Details give authenticity and personalizes your essay. But instead of coming right out in the opening and telling your audience, "it is the one that has opened my eyes", try to show exactly how it did that through your experiences and post-program reflections there. It'll make the essay more cohesive, believable, less generic, and show your depth as well.

Try to avoid ambiguous pronouns, ex: "...they spent time with them" who spent time with whom?
The anecdotes that you slip into the writing can be very touching. For example, children lacking the most basic necessities like footwear and having to walk mile long trek to school barefoot everyday can be heartwrenching. When you experienced this sight, what were some of your feelings? Try to tug on the audience's heartstrings (by choosing more wisely for sentence structure, detailed descriptions, etc.) by bringing these tiny but powerfully influential experiences out. You can try to just focus on one or two events that happened at the Rotary program but nevertheless impacted you in profound ways. It'll make your "transformation" in the end seem less forced and more authentic.

You could also try to throw in your understanding of heroism and link it back to the Rotary program *subtly* (for the purpose of answering the prompt more directly).

The thoughts going on in the last paragraphs are good. Try to expound upon those. This is your chance to show admissions what you learned from an opportunity like this.

I'm not sure what caliber schools you intend to target (reach, safety, or within your scope) but if you're aiming for those reach schools, keep in mind that many other applicants may have also been through similar camps, non-profits, mission trips, or other volunteer places so admissions will potentially get many essays with similar content and nearly indistinguishable answers (helping others is heroic, heroism means being selfless and placing the common interest of others before self, yada yada). You can stand out by making your experience more personal and thoughtful. Overall, the story arc is coming along great. It has much potential!


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