Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 9


Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience


voocatcher 3 / 13  
Dec 19, 2014   #1
In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less).

One of my extracurricular activities is volunteering in the Meet-The-People sessions in Nee Soon South Group Representation Constituency, where I serve as a grassroots activist. These weekly sessions serve as an avenue of support for residents in need.

I was motivated to volunteer my service as my family was a beneficiary from the session. We were advised by a relative to attend a session in late 2011 when our family's economic condition worsened. During the session, we were attended by a middle-aged female petition writer, Sally Tan, who was very courteous and treated us with much respect that dispelled my parents' concerns of the discrimination associated with people asking for financial aid. She listened to me describe our extenuating circumstances with genuine interest and care, and further helped us explore the sources of financial aid available and proceeded to make applications for us. Touched by how kind she was, I immediately affirmed that I must reciprocate her graciousness by helping other vulnerable residents in need.

I followed in Sally's footsteps and volunteered my service. As petition writers, we first counsel residents on their problems, then write to relevant governmental authorities who are able to provide the solution. For instance, if a resident has trouble paying his utility bills, we write to the utility company to arrange an installment plan for him. While attending to residents, I always bring to mind the session attended by our family, so I can remember how I want the residents to feel at the end of the session: supported and understood. I listen to their problems without being judgmental and condescending, with Sally being my role model.

Once, I attended to an elderly woman who sought assistance interpreting a letter in English about her pension. It was a simple job of translating English into Hokkien (a Chinese dialect) on my part, but she thanked me profusely as she clutched my hand tightly, showing me appreciation that was more than what my effort deserved. She even invited me to her house for dinner the next day. I felt I could do more, and since serendipitously she lived near me (does this work?), I decided I would visit her every week to help translate her letters. I found out that she lived alone, as her husband has passed away, and her children have not visited her for a very long time. Through talking with her, I was shocked by how she transcended suffering and circumstance to still live a fulfilled life. She possesses (or possessed?) incredible emotional strength and became my source of inspiration and go-to mentor in life. Encountering residents in more unfortunate life circumstances has humbled me and helped put into perspective my own problems. I am inspired to keep in contact with some of them after the "official" hours of the volunteer sessions because I could further help them and also learn from them at the same time.

The residents may thank me after the session, but I am more grateful to bear witness and be inspired by their strengths and characters.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 19, 2014   #2
This essay will be vastly improved as an extra curricular activity narrative if you spoke more of how you completed your tasks in the organization and how you personally touched the lives of these people. While the story about the prime minister helping the woman is interesting, it did not tell me anything about you and what ways you manage to help the people who come to the session for aid. If you want to use a story similar to that of the prime minister and the woman effectively, it has to involve you on a personal level and narrate the results of your actions as well. Right now, the essay loses focus at the story telling part and needs to be brought back on track.
OP voocatcher 3 / 13  
Dec 20, 2014   #3
Thanks for your feedback Louisa! I've tweaked the example in the revised essay below but I'm still not confident about it. Can you please help me?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 20, 2014   #4
I started my volunteering duties in January 2012, with my mentor being Sally.

- There is no need to mention this. Your activities are more important than the date that you started.

(While attending to residents, I always bring to mind the session attended by our family, so I can remember how I want the residents to feel at the end of the session: supported and understood.)

- Do not keep this in a parenthesis. Create a sense of affinity and empathy with the people by explaining how you are trying to repay the organization by helping the others in need in the same way that they helped your family. By listening and offering help without being judgmental or condescending. This is an important aspect of this activity so do not enclose it in a parenthesis.

Once, I attended to an elderly woman who sought assistance [...]

- How does this relate to your job as a volunteer at the organization? Is this something sanctioned by the organization? If not then you have deviated from your original topic and need to bring it back by relating it to your topic sentence. Say something about how this volunteer activity has even inspired you to work with the deserving members of the community even after official volunteer hours or something like that.
OP voocatcher 3 / 13  
Dec 21, 2014   #5
- How does this relate to your job as a volunteer at the organization? Is this something sanctioned by the organization? If not then you have deviated from your original topic and need to bring it back by relating it to your topic sentence.

It's not explicitly stated that we can't visit the residents after the sessions. I feel it's okay to mention it because it relates to my work scope and the message I want to convey. Please, look at my revised essay and tell me what you think:

[...]

The residents may thank me after the session, but I am more grateful to bear witness and be inspired by their strengths and characters.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 21, 2014   #6
since serendipitously she lived near me (does this work?),

- Just simply say that by coincidence, you happened to live nearby. There is no need to get too flowery with your words. Just be direct to the point.

She possesses (or possessed?)

- Speak in past tense since this is an activity that already happened. So say "possessed".

Good idea with deleting that last line. Removing it really helped the essay in my opinion. Actually, I think the essay is ready for use now. Is there anything else in relation to this essay that you may want us to divert our attention to at this point?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 23, 2014   #7
I am of the opinion that your essay is finally ready for final drafting. That means we will now concentrate on correcting the grammar and sentence structure problems of the essay. We can now also begin to adjust the essay in terms of word count and paragraph length. The message of the essay has finally aligned with the prompt requirements, allowing me to suggest that we now undertake the editing process of the essay. I would like to be sure first that we are on the same page and there is no additional information that you want to add to the essay. If this is the final content, I will now make suggestions as to how to correct the grammatical errors :-) I look forward to hearing you about this.
jaark3927 2 / 3  
Dec 23, 2014   #8
I think you've gotten enough help but some slight grammatical errors are still in the way if you fix those then I think you will be on the right path!

I wish you the best of luck!
OP voocatcher 3 / 13  
Dec 23, 2014   #9
Hi Louisa, I don't have anything more to add to the contents to the essay. Please help me look at the grammar and sentence structure problems in the essay, and also suggest necessary adjustment to make it flow better. Thank you.


Home / Undergraduate / Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳