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Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay


xeber_97 2 / 7 1  
Oct 30, 2014   #1
Prompt: "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."

Hello! I'm not the best at writing essays, and I really need some outside opinions on my response. I'm worried I didn't answer it correctly. I want to submit this by Nov. 1st and help would be very much appreciated!

I wanted to try something different, and something my mom didn't necessarily approve.
My shoulders ached horribly as I pinned each of my hastily-made braids into tiny buns, and I hoped the hours of pain would prove worthy in the morning. Thankfully, they were, and instead of forcing my hair into a tight ponytail, I could rock the mess of tight springs and coils all over my head.

It was the first day of high school, and a newfound confidence washed over me. The walk from my front door to the bus stop became my personal runway. That is, until my mom commented on my hair.

"Why is all your hair all over that head? It looks messy," she said, astonished.
"It's cute," I replied.
"Alright, that's you looking scruffy," she said with a shrug.
I pursed my lips as I continued out the door. Sure, my hair seemed scruffy, but it was a cute kind of scruffy.
My ethnic hair was kept under the brutal maintenance of my mother. I attended a middle school where majority of my peers were white, and like any other mother, my mom worried about how well I fit in when my hair was "messy and scruffy". Because she couldn't afford a hairdresser, my days always started under the burn of a flat iron she held. I wiggled and whined, wondering if the scalp singes where worth having "normal" hair, and they weren't. Two hours after straightening and my hair returned to its original glory.

Growing frustrated, she made the puff ball my trademark hairstyle. It was painful to pull every strand past the small ponytail holder, but my mom approved of it. It looked neat, and boring. I felt limited, as if my hair was the only way I could express myself, and relay my love for my culture.

With the puff ball, I couldn't get through a single school day without friends and teachers tugging or playing with my hair - without permission, and with no regards for how easy it was to mess it up - or the mentions of how I resembled a five year old. With the mass of hair on the back of my head, I wasn't taken seriously; and there was this swelling impulse in me to break the pony tail holders and let my natural hair free, while expelling the ridicule I received.

My mom wasn't too appreciative of my unrelenting requests to change my hair, despite the daily complaints of teasing and pulling.
"It just won't look right," she exasperated. "When you're in public, you're a representation of me. If people saw your hair all over your head, they'd think I don't take care of you."

"But why they care," I rebuked, "If I like it that way, then that's me."
"Other people don't think like that," she said, her authoritative tone indicating an end to the discussion.
I deflated dramatically onto the floor, still burdened with the problems that came with the puff ball.
Eventually, I moved to the back of every classroom. The tugging and "Aren't you supposed to be in kindergarten?" jokes were repetitive and irritating; most importantly, I didn't feel like the growing young woman my mom claimed me to be. I felt disrespected, and disdain.

And I still was infatuated with natural hair. When I noticed colored women in public, with their hair sticking in a million different directions and how each curl and coil moved with their heads, I wanted to replicate that. There was an air of boldness and uniqueness in those women, which I sought to obtain.

My arrival to high school brought a sense of independence into my life. My school environment is more diverse, and luckily, that prompted my mom to relinquish the hairdressing responsibilities to me. And every morning, before I walk that runway, I make sure my hair is at its kinkiest and its curliest.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 30, 2014   #2
Props for a well written essay Kennysha :-) You really wrote a very informative and creative central identity story. Most people would not think that a hairstyle could help define a person and embolden that person with a new sense of confidence and air of responsibility. Reading about it in your essay shows the reader that there are more ways to answer this prompt than previously thought. It is an essay that thoroughly screams "This is who I am!" and succeeds in explaining why you should be accepted for who you are :-) A quick question though, could you add something in the essay about how the bun hairstyle your mom insisted upon affected you when you were in school? How did the other students react to it? Such a statement coming from you will add further strength to your decision to take charge of your hairstyle and help show that you did not just want to defy your mother which is why you finally decided to change it.
OP xeber_97 2 / 7 1  
Oct 31, 2014   #3
Thank you, vangiespen :D I'm glad to know I answered the prompt correctly! I came up with two paragraphs that answer your questions, and I was thinking of placing them below the paragraph starting with "Growing frustrated..."

With the puff ball, I couldn't get through a single school day without friends and teachers tugging or playing with my hair - without permission, and with no regards for how easy it was to mess it up - or the mentions of how I resembled a five year old. With the mass of hair on the back of my head, I wasn't taken seriously; and there was this swelling impulse in me to break the ponytail holders and let my natural hair free, while expelling the ridicule I received.

Eventually, I moved to the back seats of every classroom. The tugging and "Aren't you supposed to be in kindergarten?" jokes were repetitive and irritating; most importantly, I didn't feel like the growing young woman my mom claimed me to be. I felt disrespected, and disdain.


Again, thank you so much for your feedback!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 31, 2014   #4
Kennysha, this will definitely work with the paragraph that you have chosen to add it to. There is a definite idea in the additional sentences that show how you were not defying your mother, just the image and prejudice that existed for you at school because of the hairstyle that your mother chose for you. Would it be possible for you to include some additional information in this paragraph as well? We need to show a paragraph that shows how you tried to ask your mother to let you change your hairstyle and why. By letting us know how that conversation went between the two of you, an understanding of why you chose to simply surprise your mother with your high school-do will be better presented. You tried to tell her how the hairstyle was bad for you at school but she wasn't listening so you decided to show her how things could be better for you at school without it. Something along those lines should work. After that, I promise, we will work on bringing the essay all together in its final form :-) I just think that statement is necessary to make the discussion fall into place :-)
OP xeber_97 2 / 7 1  
Oct 31, 2014   #5
Oh, I immediately thought of this particular discussion after reading your message!

My mom wasn't appreciative of my unrelenting requests to change my hair, despite the daily complaints of teasing and pulling.
"It just won't look right," she exasperated. "When you're in public, you're a representation of me. If people saw your hair all over your head, they'd think I don't take care of you."

"But why would they care," I rebuked, "If I like it that way, then that's me."
"Other people don't think like that," she said, her authoritative tone indicating an end to the discussion.
Then, I deflated dramatically onto the floor, still burdened with the problems that came with the puff ball.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 31, 2014   #6
Kennysha, this is the perfect discussion to add to the essay. Go ahead and find the place where you feel it will be best suited within the essay and then post the new version of the essay here so that we can consider the effect of the essay as a whole. Who knows, there might be room for more improvement or perhaps additional information once again :-) Let's see what else can be done to further polish the overall feel of the essay :-) If you think there is any information we have missed or that you want to add, let me know or go ahead and add it when you post the new version.I'll be sure to work with you on it.
OP xeber_97 2 / 7 1  
Oct 31, 2014   #7
Okay, I made about 1 or 2 changes in word choice, and organized my new paragraphs into the essay. I think adding the discussion between my mom and I really emphasized the independence theme.

It's exactly 650 words. That made me laugh.


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