Expectations of a traditional Vietnamese student

The prompt is:
Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.

And this is my essay:

Entering high school for the first time was definitely one of the most anticipating moments in my life, from meeting new people and fitting in, to being successful overall in school. Being a first generation college student, my most important goals are to graduate from high school with honors and make my family proud by attending one of the best universities in the US, the University of Washington.

Born and raised into a traditional Vietnamese family, education and college has always been exceptionally important for us. Since both of my parents and my two older sisters did not go to college, my family has high expectations for me. Both of my parents and my older sister dropped out of high school. The only person in my family so far that has graduated from high school is my oldest sister. However, her graduating deemed to be quite pointless; she has no plan after graduating from high school. The last thing my family wants is for myself to end up similar to the rest of my family. My family desires me to achieve great things such as going to college. Going to college is one of my biggest goals not just for me, but for my family; my success is a reflection of their efforts and support and it makes them happy.

Throughout sixth and seventh grade, education hasn't always been nearly the most important aspect for me. My oldest sister graduated in 2008: the year that I finished seventh grade. Once she noted that she had no post-high school plan, my parents could never have been more disappointed. I started to take my education more seriously starting eighth grade by trying harder academically, making them pleased again. Once eighth grade began, I tried harder to bring my middle school cumulative up to show my parents that I have potential to become an intelligent student and to make my parents very proud parents one day. I ended up on the honor roll for all of eighth grade year and finished middle school with a 3.90 grade point average. My parents were delighted, however they expected better. I could tell by the tone of their voices when they were praising me on my middle school achievement that they were somewhat disappointed that I didn't finish middle school with a "perfect" GPA. I decided to ignore it and try even harder in high school to make my parents fully satisfied of the studious child they have always hoped for.

Once high school started, I strived to be the best student my family could ever be proud of. By doing so, I took a full course load, like honors and International Baccalaureate (IB) level Spanish, English, and science. I continued to take these classes throughout most of high school. Though this was quite rewarding, I faced many hardships and challenges along the way. For example, the stress of course rigor junior year; the courses I took were starting to overwhelm me. I overcame this by my parent's decision on me joining college prep programs such as College Success Foundation and Educational Talent Search and taking a semester of less challenging courses to take the stress off my shoulders, and then plan to finish off senior year strong by taking difficult courses like International Baccalaureate classes again. My family was proud of my choices regarding my courses taken and how I faired in them. Seeing them with the joyous looks on their faces made me feel really proud of myself as well.

Coming to realization that making my family proud gives me the ambition to do my best and put my best foot forward, I will always continue to try my best academically, because nothing makes me happier than to see them happy and gratified of their college bound son. I truly love my family and all their support to help me achieve my educational goals.

Evaluate and/or revise for me please?

makes my family

my two oldestolder sisters

not just for me, but for my family because my success is a reflection of their efforts and it makes them happy.alsoto make my family proud.(u used "makes my family proud" previously. So, I change it to another sentence.

educational hasn't always been nearly the most important factor(what kind of factor?? it is not clear?) for me

My oldest sister graduated the in 2008


How could your sister's plan change your mind about studying? make it clear. If you even explained it before, you should restate it and remind the reader what you said before.


u used the word "proud" 11 times throughout the essay. avoid any repetition.

U should talk more about the things that motivate you to study harder. I mean, u did not link well the experiences of your sisters and the situation of your family to your success in studying.

Regards
Ahmad

Hi,
I agree with Ahmad. You should say more about how your family encouraged you to overcome all the difficulties, what they said to you, what they did for you, and how you changed your mind, what you thought of that.

Shorten the part telling about your studies throughout the years. Though it is important to mention your hardship, you should concentrate on answering the question instead.

Good luck!

the use of term "such as" is not appropriate. You should show that you are eager to attend this university. for example :"...attending one of the best universities in the US, the University of Washington"


U can not use "oldest" here because of the word "sisters" which is a plural word. . You need a comparative adj. not a superlative one.

This version has the same problem that the first one had. U did not link your sisters' educatinnal background to yours. U did not talk about the fact that how the failure of your sisters to enter a university could affect your decision to study harder.