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Exhibit Me --> Being a unique individual, I uphold specific beliefs


Megumi 1 / 1  
Sep 3, 2009   #1
Hi everyone:

I am new to here and i would like to say thanks first to anyone who is reading this essay right now.

I just want some grammar and and sentence structure helps.

Here is the essay, thanks for your time yet again:

Exhibit Me

Being a unique individual, I uphold specific beliefs, values and attitudes. The exhibit presented before you will expose certain discourses and ideologies within my life. Such exhibit is deliberately arranged and constructed into the current shape and colour as it efficiently displays an insight towards my present lifestyle and the environments around me. The black floor is intentionally designed to symbolise the gaps and silences in my life. Physically, the exhibit signifies a prison with three large poles acting as the barrier that imprisons me. Metaphorically, yet ironically, these three poles are also the fundamental building blocks of my character. Freedom, humanity, culture, family and religion, are but some of the few influences that continue to shape my life; that is, my attitudes, beliefs and values as a person.

Family is one of the most significant factors contributing to my attitudes, values and beliefs. The photos which are placed on the "family" pole of my exhibit provide a direct link to the number of family members that have contributed in the construction of my character. In my family, traditional values are very important to our upbringing. The most basic and highly regarded tradition is to respect older members of the family and also show courtesy to those younger family members as well as taking responsibilities. It is these beliefs and values that served as the golden guidelines of my life that lead me to become the person I am today- a polite, compassionate, and cheerful person. In addition, the discourse of family is further emphasised through the heart shaped arrangement of these photos and the presence of the colour red to represent the close linkage of love shared between my family and me. Of all my family members, my grandfather has had the utmost impact on me as a person. Although we've been separated since I moved overseas at the age of twelve, it was those countless days I spent with my grandfather that have shaped who I am as a person and what my thoughts were as well as to how I reacted in certain situations. This is mainly because I learnt a lot of different aspects and hardships from him concerning life. My grandfather had always acted as my mentor or philosopher if I may, for it was him who introduced my love towards education and the humanitarian values I upheld until this day. My family is what supports me, without them I cannot function.

Of course, discourses do not exist discreetly; rather, they interfere with one another. Intermingled with the discourse of family, comes culture. The three different colours on the pole of "culture" signify the three major races that I have been exposed to and in conjunction the different values and beliefs they have imposed me. The text, "One is all, all is one", clearly depicts my personal values of culture. As a result of this value, one of my primary beliefs is that all men are created equally in spite of their racial differences. I believe the society functions as a whole, and all individuals function together to create society. By using both the Chinese flag and Australian flag around the coloured lines, the belief of multiculturalism is privileged. Born in China and moved to Australia at a young age has indeed served as the bridging pathway connecting of my values towards globalism. For this reason, I have never truly been able to determine which dominate culture I subscribe to, whether if it is the Chinese, or the Australian culture. Until this day, I still sit upon the border-line of accepting the beliefs, values, and attitudes of both cultures. Nevertheless, growing up in a multicultural country has not only exposed to me a variety of other cultures, but it has also allowed me to develop a sense of open-mindedness, especially towards the view of others. It is this equitable environment which provided me the opportunity to conduct correct judgments towards critical situations. For example, I have learnt how to judge the quality of a person through a different a prospective rather than through their appearances and cultural heritage. As so, I am thankful to this environment where I have gained the opportunity to face different people.

Every person has their own personal values, beliefs and philosophy that they live by. To me, the greatest pole of my life is my faith. My faith, as displayed in the centre of my exhibit, a gold coloured cross, highlights the importance of Christianity and how it has plated an essential role in constructing my approach to life. This symbolises my loyalty and faith towards God. Although both of my parents are Buddhists, due to the influence of my best friend and my personal inclination, I have now become a Christian as of the last two years. It is my faith towards God that shaped my morals and behaviour. It was my faith to god which taught me to be accepting of others, regardless of what their circumstance may be. And it was my faith in god that let me believe in the quality and essential dignity of men and women of all ethnicities, ages and classes. I recognise that all people are made in the image of God and we are responsible to reflect that image in the community, home, and society. Much of my morals pertaining to equality and honesty are shaped from church and my Christian friends. Furthermore, the fact that the bottom of the cross is coloured in black reflects that though I consider myself as Christian, there is still some silences and uncertainties of my ideology towards God. Personally, I reject the traditional Christian values of an existence beyond death, in terms of heaven and hell. Unlike most people, I held no fear towards death itself; I believe that death is not about losing everything, I see death as my final destination towards eternal rest. In my opinion, death is the ticket that we have to pay for entering this world, to experience the joy and excitements of living. If we desperately search for immortality and fear of death, then what is the difference between us and the lifeless and emotionless stones? Thus for myself, death is an insignificant tribute to pay compared to the wonderful experience that this world has to offer me. Consequently, during my days of living, I will cherish those around me, rather than fear of losing them.

Religion has definitely shaped my attitudes, values and beliefs. As such, I consider myself to be a very ethical person with clear understanding of what is right, what is wrong, and what is desirable to conduct. It is these high moral standards that have enabled me to subscribe to a humanitarian and equality discourse. The question, "Who is my neighbour?", displays these two discourses embedded within me. I believe that "my neighbour" is anyone in need who I can help. When witnessing the Victorian bush fire, my friends and I acted immediately by forming a small charity which received over eight hundred dollars from good will of people that were then donated. I see those people in Victoria as my neighbour, for that is what God has told me. Nevertheless, this is a society where "One is all, all is one". It is this ideology of equity that widened my eyes to view the world in a brighter attitude.

Like dolphins emerging and submerging through the vast ocean line, I subscribe to the discourse of freedom. Yet, this discourse of freedom is competing with my other discourses I follow. The figure in the exhibit that represents me is linked together with the three poles. Yet ironically, I am being constrained by these three poles with metal chains. The chains symbolise the restriction of discourses and values that I engage with. In contrast, the white wings signify my wiliness of flying high away and escaping from those expectations of the environment around me. Though the three poles play a major role of constructing me as a person, I also believe that they act as barriers that shrink my life into a little prison, confining my notion of individuality. By coating my face and body around with white paper, my belief of being unaffected by my surroundings is clearly identified. I am a person who conforms to the general beliefs of the public and yet functions as a unique individual according to my own will.

Some aspects of my life are hidden in the dark, away from others eyes, as the black floor suggested. The floor symbolises a dark hole that silences those beliefs, values and attitudes which I do not wish to pledge myself into. Nonetheless, it is also those silenced discourses and gaps in my life, as well as the ones that I privilege, that aid in the construction of person I am today.

My future, open yet unknown, is represented through the vast empty space on top of my figure. It is my culture, family, Christianity, humanity and freedom, which pulled me up to my current position. I am sure that some of the values, attitudes and beliefs I embrace at present will change with time, while others will remain within me. Only time can tell what final form of identity will take place. With the progress of time, it is certain that those coatings around my body will peel off bit by bit. Until then, my identity will remain as uncertain as it is today.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 3, 2009   #2
The premise of this essay is excellent: creative and unique. That being the case, you do not need to proclaim yourself unique in your opening line. Indeed, much of your introduction can go. Skip the prefacing material and jump right into the tour through the exhibit.

This is fairly long, and my attention began to flag as it went on and on. Don't cut content but do edit severely for concision.

Finally, to others, notice how this writer includes Christianity among the values and attitudes s/he embraces but does not inject explicit religious content into the rest of the essay. That's the way to handle religion for an application to a secular institution.
OP Megumi 1 / 1  
Sep 3, 2009   #3
@ EF_Simone,

Yes i have noticed that problem of the essay being too long, but it is really hard choice for me to pick which part i should cut hehe...

btw, how is sentence structure going with the essay?

I feel that some sentences are written really badly, yet i have no idea of how to change it :P

eg. When witnessing the Victorian bush fire, my friends and I acted immediately by forming a small charity which received over eight hundred dollars from good will of people that were then donated.

It is these beliefs and values that served as the golden guidelines of my life that lead me to become the person I am today- a polite, compassionate, and cheerful person.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 3, 2009   #4
Yes i have noticed that problem of the essay being too long, but it is really hard choice for me to pick which part i should cut hehe...

Again, don't cut anything of substance. Just edit your sentences for concision. Our contributors ought to be able to help you do that.

When witnessing the Victorian bush fire, my friends and I acted immediately by forming a small charity which received over eight hundred dollars from good will of people that were then donated.

My friends and I responded to the Victorian bush fire by forming a charity to which people kindly donated over eight hundred dollars.

It is these beliefs and values that served as the golden guidelines of my life that lead me to become the person I am today- a polite, compassionate, and cheerful person.

These beliefs and values guide my life, leading me to aspire to be polite, compassionate, and cheerful.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 3, 2009   #5
In addition, the discourse of family is further emphasised through the red heart shaped arrangement of these photos and the presence of the colour red to represent the close linkage of love shared between my family and me .

^Hearts are self-explainatory.

My family is what supports me, without them I cannot function.

^I do not like this summarizing statement.

Family is one of the most significant factors contributing to my attitudes, values and beliefs.

^Your paragraph funtions without this.

The text, "One is all, all is one", clearly depicts my personal values of culture. As a result of this value, one of my primary beliefs is that all men are created equally in spite of their racial differences. I believe the society functions as a whole, and all individuals function together to create society.

^I don't think that this is necessary.

Every person has their own personal values, beliefs and philosophy that they live by. To me, [quote=Megumi]

[quote=Megumi]It is my faith towards God that shaped my morals and behaviour.

^I dislike these statements and believe that your essay can function without them. Especially since you expand on these statements later on anyway.

If we desperately search for immortality and fear of death, then what is the difference between us and the lifeless and emotionless stones?

^The difference is stones do not fear things. I doubt that anybody in the 21st century searches for immortality. You imply that we search for the fear of death in this sentence as written.

In my opinion, death is the ticket that we have to pay for entering this world, to experience the joy and excitements of living.

Thus for myself, death is an insignificant tribute to pay compared to the wonderful experience that this world has to offer me.

^A little redundant.

Religion has definitely shaped my attitudes, values and beliefs.

^Again.

I am a person who conforms to the general beliefs of the public and yet functions as a unique individual according to my own will.

^Very mature.


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