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'Exam failure' - long essay of Michigan: setback


answers: 10
Dec 27, 2008, 03:06am   #1
Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?


When writing with correction fluid, I feel exceptionally relaxed, for I do not have to worry about errors. No matter how many mistakes I make, I can always obliterate them with ease. Though using correction fluid costs time and makes paper untidy, I enjoy the freedom and ability to correct mistakes as I like. The correction fluid helped me erase many mistakes, until I went to junior school.

The first exam of junior one was extremely important, which decided the people who were qualified to attend the advanced class. I was confident about myself and believed that I would go to the advanced class. During the exam, thinking that I had correction fluid, I paid much more attention on the speed than the quality of the answers, because I could correct the mistakes easily. After checking the whole test paper, I found many serious mistakes. Shaking the tube of correction fluid subconsciously, suddenly, I found that the correction fluid was run out. No matter how hard I tried to shake the tube, there was no any fluid. Desperate, I crossed the wrong answers by pen and therefore the whole test paper was spoiled. As a result, I did not attend the advanced class.

The failure was a great blow to me. "I could go to the class, if only I had correction fluid. I found the mistakes." I complained to my father as if the empty tube deprived me of the access to the class. However, to my surprise, my father did not comfort me. Instead, he said," The problem is not about the fluid. It is about your attitude. You failed not because that the fluid was run out but that you did not treat the test carefully in the first time. You should treat every chance as the last one."

The failure in the exam made me reconsider my attitude toward life. In the past, considering that I have abundant chances, I often made silly mistakes carelessly, as those I made in the exam, or missed good chances. As a result, I achieved little. Now, aware that I have only one chance and no error is allowed, I always focus full attention on what I am doing and force me to work harder and harder. I have achieved more than I ever thought I could, all because of the concept of treating every opportunity as the last one, which urges me to express my full range of potential.

I wonder if I have answered the question clearly and expressively.
Please give me some specific advice. :)

When writing with correction fluid, I feel exceptionally relaxed, for I do not have to worry about errors. No matter how many mistakes I make, I can always obliterate them with ease. Though using correction fluid costs time and makes a paper untidy, I enjoy the freedom and ability to correct mistakes as I like. The correction fluid helped me erase many mistakes, until I went to junior school.

The first exam of junior one was extremely important, because it determined which people who were qualified to attend the advanced class.

I have had abundant chances, and I often made silly mistakes. Carelessly, I made mistakes like those on the exam, or missed good chances.

This is a great parable. How meaningful! I hope the Admissions person appreciates it as much as I do!

:)
The first exam of junior year was extremely important, which decided the people who were qualified to attend the advanced class.

Shaking the tube of correction fluid, suddenly, I found that the correction fluid had been depleted. Desperate, I crossed the wrong answers by pen and, therefore, the whole test paper was spoiled.

I complained to my father as if the empty tube deprived me of the access to the class; however, to my surprise, my father did not comfort me.

I was unsure of the topic of White Out when I first began reading; however, I was pleasantly surprised by the essay. I thought you did a great job of writing and thinking about the essay. I did notice a few problems with commas and word chose. I hope my comments help! GOOD LUCK!
Dec 29, 2008, 04:04pm   #6
Is there a way you can get your point across without using the words "correction fluid" quite so much? In the first three paragraphs, you use the term nearly every sentence, and it gets repetitive.

(Sorry about the nitpicking, but that was honestly my first impression after reading your essay...)

Good luck!
Jan 7, 2009, 05:53am   #7
You must wonder why I still keep the empty tube of correction fluid. It is not evidence that reveals my success. Instead, it only reminds me the depression of failure. Although such paper cannot conjure up any pleasant memories, I have to admit that that it is most significant for me, for it motivates me to change my attitude toward life.

I used to appreciate the correction fluid. When writing with correction fluid, I felt exceptionally relaxed, for I did not have to worry about errors. No matter how many mistakes I made, I could always obliterate them with ease. Though using correction fluid cost time and made a paper untidy, I enjoyed the freedom and ability to correct mistakes as I like.

The first exam of junior one was extremely important, because it determined the people who were qualified to attend the advanced class. I was confident about myself and believed that I would go to the advanced class. During the exam, thinking that I had correction fluid, I paid much more attention on the speed than the quality of the answers, because I could correct the mistakes easily. After checking the whole test paper, I found many serious errors. Shaking the tube of correction fluid subconsciously, suddenly, I found that it was run out. No matter how hard I tried to shake the tube, there was no any fluid. Desperate, I crossed the wrong answers by pen and therefore the whole test paper was spoiled. As a result, I did not attend the advanced class.

The failure was a great blow to me. "I could go to the class, if only I had correction fluid. I found the mistakes." I complained to my father as if the empty tube deprived me of the access to the class. However, to my surprise, my father did not comfort me. Instead, he said," The problem is not about the fluid. It is about your attitude. You failed not because that the fluid was run out but that you did not treat the test carefully in the first time. You should treat every chance as the last one."

The failure in the exam made me reconsider my attitude toward life. In the past, considering that I had abundant chances, I often carelessly made mistakes like those on the exam, or missed good chances. As a result, I achieved little. So I decided to change. I made my mind not to use correction any more, but I remained the empty tube, which now serves as a reminder to me that there are no more opportunities for me. I should treat every opportunity carefully. Now, aware that I have only one chance and no error is allowed, I always focus full attention on what I am doing and force myself to work harder and harder. I have achieved more than I ever thought I could, all because of the concept of treating every opportunity as the last one, which urges me to express my full range of potential.


This is my recent revison. Please give me some advice.
1. I do know whether the world "correction fluid" is understandable. Should I say "white out"? Do American people use it?
2.I think I repeat worlds like "correction fluid","mistake","chances","opportunities" too many times. How can I improve the sentences?
3.Any more advice about the content? I am not sure the third paragraph which described my setback is enough. And I think the last paragraph can be improved.

Thanks in advance for your help :)
yes you need to find different words to say the same thing - repeating a certain word makes it a little more dull than using a variety
but it doesn't mean you should go overboard and use up every word possible in the dictionary
too much high-level vocab can count against you

words like mistake, chances, opportunities, you should be able to change easily without changing the content too much. But i think you did use the word "correction fluid" too much. see if you can replace some of them with third person reference like it

also
it was run out. should be it ran out
You must wonder why I still keep the empty tube of correction fluid. It is not evidence that reveals my success. Instead, it only reminds me the depression of failure. Although such paper cannot conjure up any pleasant memories, I have to admit that that it is most significant for me, for it motivates me to change my attitude toward life.
you still can make it smoother, such as : There must be a reason why I sill keep an empty tube of correction fluid. Inspite of being evident to reveal my success, it only reminds me the depression of failure. However, I have to admit that it is most significant for me, for it motivates me to change my attitude toward life. (What do you think?)
(you should have a sentence to cover the content of the paragraph)The first exam of junior one was extremely important, because it determined the people who were qualified to attend the advanced class. I was confident about myself and believed that I would go to the advanced class. During the exam, thinking that I had correction fluid, I paid much more attention on the speed than the quality of the answers, because I could correct the mistakes easily. After checking the whole test paper, I found many serious errors. Shaking the tube of correction fluid subconsciously, suddenly, I found that it was run out. No matter how hard I tried to shake the tube, there was no any fluid. Desperate, I crossed the wrong answers by pen and therefore the whole test paper was spoiled. As a result, I did not attend the advanced class.

The failure in the exam made me reconsider my attitude toward life. In the past, considering that I had abundant chances, I often carelessly made mistakes like those on the exam, or missed good chances. As a result, I achieved little. So I decided to change. I made my mind not to use correction any more, but I remained the empty tube, which now serves as a reminder to me that there are no more opportunities for me. I should treat every opportunity carefully. Now, aware that I have only one chance and no error is allowed, I always focus full attention on what I am doing and force myself to work harder and harder. I have achieved more than I ever thought I could, all because of the concept of treating every opportunity as the last one, which urges me to express my full range of potential. (I would blame myself first if I were you, I would sit alone and ask why I were failed then realized my mistake, blah blah.. Cos understanding your mistake alone would make your essay more convincing)
your essay is quite creative, This is the first time I've seen someone writes about a correction fluid (if not include the foot-essay of my friend) lol
good luck



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