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"everything my mother has done for me" - someone who has made an impact on your life


answers: 4
Nov 15, 2010, 09:20pm   #1
Would anyone be willing to read my essay and give me some criticisms? Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! thanks guys!

Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

My Essay:
Sometimes in life we come across a person who changes our entire world for the better. Luckily for me, that person was with me since as long as I can remember. When I think of someone who has made an impact on my life, the first person to come to mind is my mother. Not only has she given me life, but she's made me into who I am today. She gave me a place to call home, a place filled with love and support. She always made me feel like I could do anything I wanted, and she was always there to listen to what I had to say. She tries as hard as she can to make sure I'm on the right track in life, and she's always wanted to give me the best. My mother has always been the person I've gone to for advice, for help with homework, for anything I needed basically. She was always my first option, and it still remains that way today. She's taught me to be kind and considerate, and to always present myself in a professional manner, because you never know who is watching you. She always stressed to me the importance of school, education, and being a good person. For that reason, I've never given anything less then 100% on everything I do. If I find myself struggling with a certain thing, my mother is there to support and encourage me to continue to pursue it. My mother has gone to great lengths to give me the life I have today, and I am so grateful to have had her in not only the biggest parts of my life, but every smaller aspect as well. If it wasn't for everything my mother has done for me, I would not be the person I am today, and honestly I don't know what I would do without her.
I think it looks good :)
Watch out for those contractions though.
Bimmer97:
If it wasn't for everything my mother has done for me, I would not be the person I am today, and honestly I don't know what I would do without her.

Not supposed to use those.
Bimmer97:
She's taught me to be kind and considerate, and to always present myself in a professional manner, because you never know who is watching you.

Perhaps change the "you" to something that applies to yourself? I've always been told never to address the reader.

Not only has she given me life, but she's made me into who I am today.

She's taught me to be kind and considerate


As arsenal123 mentioned, avoid the contractions. "She has..."
Luckily for me, that person was with me since as long ago as I can remember. ----I added ago because "since" needs to refer to a point in time. "long ago"

As I read more of the essay, I see that you have a nice way of structuring sentences. I have a criticism, though: You did not come up with a theme for your essay. In fact, these statements could be made about "mothers" in general.... you did not make the essay unique by using an original theme.

So I think you should try to make a creative observation about the uniqueness of your mother. That will make this essay memorable. Make your observation at both the beginning and end of the essay.
:-)



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