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"Entrepreneurship" - The Essay about intellectually excitement


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Sep 23, 2010, 08:43pm   #1
Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it? (500 words limit)
This is the essay I am go to use. Please help me with the style, and the tightness of the sentences. Any critiques and comments are much appreciated! Thank you!
PS: Did I answer the question correctly?


"You used to tell your family that one day you wanted to own your own business. Well, guess what. You've grown up, and now it's time to put your money where your mouth is." As I turned over the page of the Princeton Review Guide to College Majors, and read the first line of "Basics of Entrepreneurship", my pulse started to race. I had never believed in "love at first sight", until now.

SEE BELOW

Sep 25, 2010, 08:45pm   #2
HAHAA I love your beginning. The fact that that quote was from the Princeton review book ...haha ..i love it. I think that you answered the question, and well too. I didn't really understand what you were trying to say at "Perhaps because a Japaenese family is so much like a Chinese family..." ?
are trying to assert the asian-ness of your family ?
But, overall, I didn't get lost in your answer from boredness so I think it was a good answer, but also, you could talk more about Kiyosaki and his book, since it was the source of your intelectual excitement.
Sep 26, 2010, 06:39pm   #3
Thanks Anne. What I mean by "Perhaps because a Japaenese family is so much like a Chinese family..." is that, Kiyosaki is from a Japanese family, and I'm from Chinese [family], and we had so much in common by the family value, so the book really spoke to me.
I want to add more details, but because of the words limit, I cannot, unless I cross out some sentences. Do you think there is any unnecessary word or sentence that I could cross out, and make the essay stronger?
Let's take out that comma before "until now."

... at age nine, I was curious about the influence of religions on human psychological evolution and how they shaped ...-----I added a word that I think makes this better. You can google "evolutionary psychology" to see what I am thinking of.

I went to business workshops at night and discussed with adults their entrepreneurial experiences to learn their secrets. ------- This and other well structured sentences are very impressive!!!

Everything is possible, and all we need to learn is exactly "how" to actualize our ideas, and this is the question I ponder about. I know I will find the answer.


You never need to write "ponder about"
Just write "ponder." example: I ponder the nature of polyester.
Sep 27, 2010, 10:58pm   #5
Kevin, thank you so the amazing advice!



"You used to tell your family that one day you wanted to own your own business. Well, guess what. You've grown up, and now it's time to put your money where your mouth is." As I turned over the page of the Princeton Review Guide to College Majors, and read the first line of "Basics of Entrepreneurship", my pulse started to race. Every single word was like a mallet thumping on my heart; I had never believed in "love at first sight" until now.
"You should read Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki and see another person's opinion of their family!" said my mother to me back in the 9th grade. With little passion for reading and a huge amount of curiosity, I borrowed the book from the library and read the introduction.
"Mom! It says this book is for you, the parents."
"I don't have time. Return it then."
But I didn't. Instead, I read it myself.
It was an amazing book. Perhaps because a Japanese family is so much like a Chinese family, the book really spoke to me. Under a huge amount of pressure from both my parents and society, I always felt I would never have the chance to do what I wanted. My future seemed already set even before I was born. My parents raised me with the idea that getting a high paying job was my only option to live. Yet, as other children, I had many dreams. At the age of five, I dreamed of becoming an author; at age eight, I wanted to become an artist, traveling around with only a drawing board; at age nine, I was curious about the influence of religions on human psychological evolution and how they shaped people's values differently throughout time. Although they were all different careers, my interests proved to me that I didn't want just an ordinary job.
"Face your fears and doubts, and new worlds will open to you." Kiyosaki, with his book, changed my attitude towards life, and opened my mind to the broad possibilities. It made all of my dreams seem possible. Along with the possibility of financial freedom, I was also intoxicated with the challenges and the risks that came with a career as an entrepreneur.
Since then, I act more positively, and take all the opportunities that I can. Despite severe stage fright, I learned public speaking; I ran around to the classrooms to make announcements about the clubs that I had founded; I went to business workshops at night and discussed with adults their entrepreneurial experiences to learn their secrets. My life now seems to have a specific purpose and direction that is both practical and, for me, a passion.
I'm never satisfied with the way I am; as a result, I always challenge myself both academically and psychically. Everything is possible, it's just that we don't know completely "how" yet, and this is the question I ponder. I know I will find the answer.



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