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Encouraged to test a spectrum of activities - including dance, softball, basketball, choir, and art.


Morganh 2 / 3  
Nov 4, 2014   #1
The prompt reads:
"Considering your lifetime goals, discuss how your current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you achieve your goals"

Here's what I wrote:

I can't specifically write this for one school because it's going to three schools. Still, I did not take some of the things out like "extra curricular activities". I've run this by three admissions officers now, and it's not a problem. I did however, rearrange the entire essay and tried to add a little extra detail. There is a part in parenthesis that talk about my parents and more than likely, you'll try and advise me to take it out, but I was told to keep it. And i'm still not sure how i'm supposed to change the last sentence. I'm worried about some possible sentence structures and run-ons in this too, so if you notice one, let me know. So this is the new essay.

In high school my extracurricular activities were based mostly on clubs and organizations. As I got older, I realized that these clubs were more important than the activities that I previously participated in because they exposed me to a more mature environment. Student council, key club, and interact club taught me the importance of connecting with the community and putting forth the effort to help programs that rely on volunteers. Awareness event such as adoption awareness, impacted me in a positive way that made me want to educate and connect more people with their community. This inspired my current goal of a career in public relations and marketing for a sports team. My ultimate goal is to work in this field for a professional football team, where as a community liaison, I can make game day memorable and exciting by connecting the team to their community and loyal fans. My love for football, specifically, comes from my parents who raised me to watch every college football game (my mom, the Aggie) as well as every professional game (my dad, the Seahawks fan). My desire to incorporate the community aspect and public relations was shaped by the clubs and organizations that I participated in high school.

Since my parents are the kind of people who believe in exploring various options to discover new passions, they encouraged me to try everything while I was growing up. The spectrum of activities included dance, softball, basketball, choir, and cooking, though the only one I actually pursued into and through high school was choir. Choir has most helped me by pushing me outside of my comfort zone when I was afraid to take risks in my vocal range. Because of the courage that choir gave me, I know I will be more prepared to explore and overcome difficult obstacles that might be brought forth in my career. Every activity has helped to form my character in some kind of way as well. For example, in dance, I learned how to simultaneously cooperate with others in a team environment all the while keeping some originality and personality in my routines. At times I may have struggled to remember the order of the routine, but I know it helped me to develop memorization techniques that will allow me to thrive in future public presentations that I will inevitably have to give in the marketing field. I was also exposed to the team building aspect in softball and basketball, where I was forced to cover my own position, while again, working with the players forming skills of unity and cooperation. These skills will be beneficial when I get the opportunity to work alongside others to create meet and greet opportunities for deserving fans and players.

Most of the activities I did growing up we're done outside of my every day learning environment like in Little Leagues, dance companies, and specialty classes. I participated in a summer cooking school that taught me how to follow specific instructions, while expressing myself in unique ways at the same time. I was also put into karate at the age of six and worked up to an advance red belt (three away from a black belt) before my family moved to North Carolina and I was forced to leave my rank. Karate taught me at a young age, the art of defense and self-reliance. Through repetition and discipline, the strict environment taught me various learning and memorization techniques, as well as how to respond respectfully to my superiors. During my junior year, I got a job and was able to learn the value of a dollar as well as customer interaction through hands on experience. This is a very beneficial starting point to my future career as someone who will be forced to work with many types of individuals, good and bad. These learned techniques have followed me throughout my whole life and will continue to appear as I develop as an adult in the workforce.

Without the opportunity to participate in these clubs, I imagine that I wouldn't have discovered the path that I now wish to travel. In the future, to help get me to my eventual outcome, I plan to participate in other community outreach events that support the promotion and awareness of a cause. I will also try to obtain an internship with a local sports team, so that while I am learning the educational side of my career choice, I am also gaining experience in the field. Marketing and public relations degrees will be beneficial in helping to increase my chances in my desired goal and my future employer will see that I have been properly trained and educated in a specific field by a credible school.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 5, 2014   #2
Morgan, your essay is takes us on an interesting trip down your life and development as a person. Knowing that you have a well rounded development and exposure to activities that help you develop your character and abilities is always a plus in these types of essays. However, you haven't clearly made the connection between the activity that you participated in and the way that it can help you achieve your future goals. For example, if you say that Karate taught you all about discipline and self reliance, connect that to your future as an employee who knows how to work with minimal supervision, or something along those lines. That way you get to show exactly how your current abilities have allowed you to create a foundation for a successful career in the future.
aadmissionado - / 1 2  
Nov 5, 2014   #3
Hey Morganh, Good start on the essay...it's good to see you've really been thinking about all the stuff you've done! However, looks like you fell into the trap that a lot of people do when writing something kind of open-ended like this: throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks. Unfortunately, this leaves the essay feeling a little disjointed and not that connected to its various parts or the essay prompt itself. Not to worry, this is pretty easily-solved! Additionally, these essays are a chance to get to know you, the person, not you the sheet of paper. As such, make sure you use specific emotions, experiences, thoughts, and memories; these are things that only you have, things that can't be expressed in GPAs or SATs or simply saying "i did this."


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