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Encounter with the slums - Significant Experience Essay


ThatFilipinoKid 1 / -  
Jun 30, 2015   #1
I need feedback on my essay. It is for my UC Berkeley Prompt.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Ever since I was a student back in the Philippines, I've been an active member of our school's campus ministry, where I devoted myself to serve the community. We offer our time during the weekends and after school to help the community. I started out because my friends recruited me and little by little I discovered my passion for helping others.

One unforgettable moment I will forever treasure is my interaction with the slums around the town. Our club decided to ration food to those who are affected by the strong typhoon that hit the country. At first, I felt nervous and anxious about the idea because I never really liked going to such places but when I went there with my co-members, my heart stopped as I saw those faces in grief and pain. I saw families broken, sick, homeless and hungry and I never thought that it would be that worse compared to what we see in television. I immediately started giving out the goods we packed. The sadness I felt turned around as I began to see smilling faces. My ears were delighted when it hear people saying those soft "Salamat Po" which translated "Thank You" in English. My eyes were enthraled as I saw the hope we are bringing to them.

After hours of standing and handing out food, I sat at a corner. A man came close to me and invited us to his home for some snack. Our team took a break and headed to the man's house. The man invited us to his very small home and gave us some refreshments. He expressed his deep appreciation and thank us for all our help. Eventually we left and I felt as if I was the happiest person on Earth. I was amazed on how a simple volunteer work can changed the lives of families and how it came back to us.

That day made me proud and led me to the person that I am today. I discovered myself more and made me strive more to help others. Now, I am currently helping my sister finish her degree in Occupational Therapy. I am saving my earnings from my paid internship to help support her. I am hoping to lead more people and help them regardless of their situations. From that experience I learned that you don't need to be Mother Teresa or Ghandi to help your community. A simple act of caring creates an endless ripple.
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Jul 1, 2015   #2
This is basically a well thought out well written piece of writing! You justneed a couple of pointers.

I discovered my passion...

This is good but you need to introduce your body paragraph ideas. You want to say in the first paragraph that you were changed by your slum visits, personally, but that it was not without rewards...

how it came back to us...

Then when you conclude you repeat these intro thoughts, to wrap them up.

Your vocabulary and grammar are good. Just a little attention will strengthen your writing with better form. If you focus on key ideas both in your intro and conclusuion, your essay will be better.

Good job!

ef _carol
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 2, 2015   #3
ThatFilipinoKid, WELCOME to EssayForum, it's nice to hear that our EF Family is growing and you as a member is definitely a pleasure.

Now, I will try my best to help you out, here it is;

- IIt started out becausewhen my friends recruited me and little by little I discovered my passion forto helping others.

- One unforgettable moment I will forever treasure is my interaction with the people from the slums area around the town.

- At first, I felt nervous and anxious about the idea becauseand I never really liked going to such places but when I went there with my co-members, my heart stopped as I saw those faces in grief and pain.

-The sadness I felt turned around as I began to see smilling
smiling faces.

- My earsheartwerewas delighted when itI hear people saying those soft "Salamat Po" which translated "Thank You" in English.

- My eyes were enthraledenthralled as I saw the hope we are bringing to them.

- I was amazed on how a simple volunteer work can changed the lives of families and how it came back to us.

There you have it, a few corrections from my end. The experience you had in this neighborhood is definitely enlightening and I would love to do the same that's why me and my fiance and starting to go for coupon shopping and we do this not for us but for people in need too. Just to share with you, we are even collecting the amenities that our hotel are giving out so we can give them to the needy. It's a very nice feeling to be able to help and believe me, you soul is much happier that they are ever. Keep up the good work.

Now on your essay;

- mind your linking verbs

- your verb form

- spell check should be on all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!


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