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'emotion, unlike any other, struck my body like an arrow' - Villanova Essay


lbhux13 4 / 6  
Sep 21, 2014   #1
Topic: What sets your heart on fire?

In August of 2009, at the age of twelve, an emotion, unlike any other, struck my body like an arrow. Little did I know it was passion: a sensation that would develop me into the person I have become and continually to develop into.

My family was in Atlanta visiting the Georgia Aquarium. Since it is known as the largest aquarium in the United States, it was an extremely exciting day for me. My family didn't travel a lot, so getting to witness something held in such high regard like that meant a lot to me. As we ventured through the multiple floors, each floor housing truly remarkable aquatic life, I was enamored by the beauty of the creatures. I didn't know most of these creatures existed. It seemed as if there was a world within our world, one completely unbeknownst to us. These aquatic creatures were so similar to us but led completely separate lives. By seeing them up close, I was surprised of how little of a barrier there was between us humans and them. But, it wasn't until I saw it, that I was completely blown away. I felt my heart sink below the ground that my feet were planted on and I could feel my body floating. My naïve twelve year old eyes had never seen anything that magnificent before. While my body stood still, I could feel my presence drifting into the tank along with it. It was a whale shark, the largest fish in the known world. It was so remarkable, and I imagined it as the queen of the ocean. There was a beautiful grace about it that I wanted to mimic in my own life. A presence it had that I wanted to have in my own life. It seemed to embrace who it was and never cowered in the shadows. People and animals alike respected it for that. It also didn't cause any harm at the expense of others and I greatly admired that.

I think it was because of this experience on that day that I have subsequently donated so much of my money to the Safina Center, which is an organization that studies how the ocean is changing and works to educate people on how they can help conserve the world's oceans. Their objective is extremely admirable, because we only have so much time on this planet and we owe it to ourselves and our home to conserve its resources. As I continue to grow and mature as a person, I want to become involved with the Safina Center, continuing the goal of conservation education to the general public, and ultimately striving towards saving the remarkable gift that is our oceans. There is so much left to learn about these underwater creatures that exist in this world beyond humans. The feeling that I get when I'm around these animals ignites a fire of passion of within me. I am continually amazed at the capabilities that these animals possess, and want to model my life after some of the admirable qualities that they possess. In the future, I want to provide generations to come the opportunity to connect with aquatic life because of the connection I made on that day and the connection that I continue to establish every day. Connection is so important to humans. It's our only way to empathize with the world around us. Helping to conserve our world's oceans sets my heart on fire, and I hope to pass on that flame, one human at a time.
Iyeshaferguson 5 / 11  
Sep 21, 2014   #2
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the beginning it completely catches my attention.

"My family was in Atlanta visiting the Georgia Aquarium. Since it is known as the largest aquarium in the United States, it was an extremely exciting day for me. My family didn't travel a lot, so getting to witness something held in such high regard like that meant a lot to me."

-Try to rephrase this statement

"While my body stood still, I could feel my presence drifting into the tank along with it. It was a whale shark, the largest fish in the known world. It was so remarkable, and I imagined it as the queen of the ocean. There was a beautiful grace about it that I wanted to mimic in my own life. A presence it had that I wanted to have in my own life. It seemed to embrace who it was and never cowered in the shadows. People and animals alike respected it for that. It also didn't cause any harm at the expense of others and I greatly admired that."

-I had to read this statement a couple times because I couldn't find what made your heart jump so much then I finally spotted it, so try to make that a little more noticeable by putting it more early on in the sentence then showing how it made you feel.

Other than those 2 points above, I really enjoyed the piece I can feel the passion in your words which is really good.
Let me know if you change anything!


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