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(Economics has a magical spell) University Wisconsin-Madison


lkb102191 1 / 2  
Dec 11, 2010   #1
Hello everyone. I hope you guys can browse through my essay briefly and help fix my problems or grammatical mistakes. Comments are welcomed and would be greatly appreciated! thank you

Statement 1:

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Economics has a magical spell that always enchants me to explore this enigmatic world as it explains almost every mystery I encounter in everyday life. For years, I have been trying to relate every personal and global circumstance with economics. I was amazed by enormousness of the economic principles that could be applied on everything we do and see. My curiosity and passion to discover the world of economics have motivated me to unveil all the mysteries of life.

I remembered vividly the first time when I stepped into a gloomy building, the fetid stench made me feel immensely nauseous. I stood enthralled, astonished by hundreds of swiftlets flying over my head, with incessant and piercing chirps in the building. Why do these swiftlets inhabit in this cave-like environment building?

It was a swiftlet farm, owned by one of my relative. I found that the idea of breeding swiftlets in a man-built building to harvest the hardened spit from swiftlets, known as edible bird nest, a highly nutritional and expensive delicacy in Chinese cuisine, was very appealing as my relative explained to me. Because of its sustainable use of the new agricultural resources, I believed this innovative way of bird nest farming would be able to boost the economy of a nation as a whole by creating more job opportunities in rural areas, developing the housing industry which transforms the untenanted housing area to swiftlet farms, and generating revenue for government through taxing and exports. As a child who grew up in an agricultural area, I have always enjoyed observing how farmers work, and how they allocate resources and distribute products. Molding my own perspective on these issues, I have been able to view these agricultural practices from an economics perspective.

Economics has influenced me in making decision in terms of opportunity cost. Since I was a child, I was willing to forego my cartoon time, sitting in front of TV, and gazing at fluctuating index of the share market. As I grew older, I had come to realize that economics not only helped me understand how an actual share market functions, but also brought me financial advantage on my investment. By applying the simple economic principle of demand and supply, I could gain profit by selling stocks at inflated price when there was an upsurge of demand from buyers. Indeed, economics has shaped me to be a good leader in clubs and societies. Always holding to the concept of marginal analysis, I associate marginal benefits and marginal costs in analyzing and evaluating every policy or decision before taking actions.

I believe the broad range of economic programs which Wisconsin-Madison offers would present me with hands-on opportunities to further explore my passion. Being one who has always anticipated a learning environment where education opportunities venture far beyond the four walls of a classroom, I am looking forward to engaging myself in the service-learning program. I was fascinated by its aim to encourage students to explore the real-life adventures of business and economics world and prepare students as service learners in the community. Given the opportunities to improve my human relation and problem solving skills, I believe I would be able to contribute to the broader society by sharing my opinions from an economics perspective. Besides, I would like to share my enriching experiences with others in applying economic principles in everyday life.

Wisconsin-Madison utilizes education as an effective instrument to unite people and help brace up a vibrant and enthusiastic community. As a Malaysian, I am looking forward to going through my lifelong learning process with merit scholars from around the world, hand in hand. I see myself playing a role in promoting intercultural understanding within Wisconsin-Madison community by sharing our stories, knowledge, laugh and cry together. Our stories might be different, but Wisconsin-Madison offers the sharing of same destiny and hope which unite us closely in one. Coming from a multicultural country, I am keen to contribute to and gain from, this diverse student body.

Having been an enthusiast of community service during my high school, I am eager to continue my community involvement in United States. Wisconsin-Madison Village Health Project attracts me as it provides me a model platform to serve the public and broaden my horizon- something that lectures and classes cannot offer. I have had experiences raising fund to help the poors by selling my drawings during my high school. I hope I would be able to utilize my drawing skills to continue providing my service to the community.

With Wisconsin-Madison's prominence in academic and non academic fields, I look forward to growing personally and intellectually in this institution. I believe strongly that Wisconsin-Madison can be the most crucial turning point in my life.
nishabala 4 / 91  
Dec 14, 2010   #2
Economics has a magical spell that always enchants me to explore this enigmatic world as it explains almost every mystery I encounter in everyday life ... too long for a first sentence, I'd say. Maybe you should just start with 'economics is magic' and put the rest of it in the second sentence? I like the assonance, Put them all in one sentence.

Or, maybe not? Cause your second paragraph and third paragraph are mesmerising, and I'd think they'd make a better introduction. Maybe you could fit the first paragraph somewhere else? Maybe at the end?

The essay makes you seem very focussed and dedicated. I think, however, you should strengthen your ending to give a good closing impression.
Good luck!
OP lkb102191 1 / 2  
Dec 20, 2010   #3
i thought a moderator will be able to comment once on each essay, but I haven't got any comments from moderators
nishabala 4 / 91  
Dec 20, 2010   #4
That's cause the moderators are busy. Check out their recent posts, the essays they are not checking were posted a long time ago. You have a while to go before a moderator looks at your essay, so I suggest you utilize the members of the forum ,some of whom can actually provide valuable feedback.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 21, 2010   #5
I stood enthralled, astonished

You should trim away a few modifiers. It is especially important to limit the use of adverbs, but adjectives get to be too much, too. Too many modifiers spoil the soup.

owned by one of my relatives .

With Wisconsin-Madison's prominence in academic and non academic fields, I look forward to growing personally and intellectually in this institution this sentence does not really mean anything.

I believe strongly that Wisconsin-Madison can be the most crucial turning point in my life.---This sentence is powerful. I think you should focus on the ways that the professors and resources at this school can help you actualize your vision for the future.

Simplify! I can tell you have a complex way of thinking, so that makes it extra important to focus single-mindedly on expressing your most important message. What is the most important message for the reader to remember?

It is usually good to cut the words "I believe"

I believe the broad range of economic programs which Wisconsin-Madison offers would present me with hands-on opportunities-----------the broad range of programs will give you hands-on opportunities? I think this sentence could be replaces with a better one.

to further explore my passion. Being one who has always anticipated a learning environment where education opportunities venture far beyond the four walls of a classroom ---too many words here!

You have to start by having something to say. You have a good theme, but you need to be able to express in a single sentence this insight about how econ. applies in all aspects of life. And in another sentence, succinctly give an answer to their question about how you can contribute to the community by applying this econ. insight. It is a great theme, but you need to be able to write a single sentence that captures the truth you are trying to express. Put that sentence at the end of a paragraph, or at the end of the essay.

:-)

I believe I would be able to contribute to the ...
OP lkb102191 1 / 2  
Dec 24, 2010   #6
thanks a lot for the comment =) , but I have a question. Which part should I simplify in order to express my most important message? ty


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