I've got the grades and the SAT scores and I know my essay needs to stand out. My top choice school is Brown. Let me know if you think this essay is unique and reveals what I will bring to a college community. (PS: I used a great online tool to get preliminary feedback storytocollege. com/college-essay-grader but I would like some other perspectives too.
The first time I ever saw the Eco-Challenge on television I knew that adventure racing was a sport that I needed to participate in. Adventure racing presents athletes with the ultimate test of physical and mental fortitude. After years of dreaming about trying one, months of researching, and seemingly endless nagging to find a friend daring enough to be my partner, I had signed up for my first race. It was called the Cradle of Liberty and was 100 miles of white water rafting, mountain biking, orienteering, and running. Our goal was simply to finish, but finishing was far from simple.
Before the race had even started, we were met with our first obstacle. I had sprained my ankle trail running the day before. Although I knew this would slow me down, it would take a lot more than a sprained ankle to stop me. The race started with the white water rafting section. Neither of us had ever rafted before, but through teamwork and some trial and error we discovered an efficient paddling strategy. We were happy we made it through the rapids in one piece, but the race was far from over.
At the start of the mountain biking section we were met with yet another obstacle. Within ten minutes, my friend's old bike chain had snapped. There was still seventy miles left to bike and we didn't know what to do. He was ready to throw in the towel, but quitting was not an option for me. I told him to wait with the broken bike. I pedaled into town, found a place to purchase a new chain, and rode back to my friend as quickly as possible. This was the first time that either of us had assembled a bike chain, but working together we were able to figure it out and get back on the road, two hours later and in last place.
Our inexperience orienteering and the darkness contributed to our next mistake, which was a costly wrong turn. It was costly because we did not realize our mistake until hours later when we both agreed to set aside our pride and use the emergency radio to call for help. This was a hard decision because we did not want to admit we couldn't fix our own mistakes, but it was the right decision. We were informed that we had been going the wrong way for hours and told to retrace our steps back to the beginning. This news was devastating, but we persevered. To keep moral high (and scare away the bears) we sang songs as we hiked back.
Eventually we finished the race, exhausted and in a distant last place. There were many opportunities where it would have been easy to quit, but our desire to finish outmatched the weariness, hunger, and pain. In the end, even though we got last, we achieved our goal of finishing. Most importantly, we learned from every mistake we made. At the end of the summer we did another race and won third place.
The first time I ever saw the Eco-Challenge on television I knew that adventure racing was a sport that I needed to participate in.
Sometimes, the people who read these essays are sticklers for grammar. Every grammarian will tell you not to end a sentence in a preposition. The correct way to write this first sentence would be:
... sport in which I needed to participate.
Adventure racing presents athletes with the ultimate test of physical and mental fortitude.--- this sentence is so much better than the first sentence of the essay. It causes a question to be raised in the reader's mind. Is it really the ultimate test? In many cases, it seems that an essay can be improved by getting rid of the first sentence, or even the first few sentences, and letting it began with the first interesting sentence. In this case, I think the whole essay would be better if you got rid of the first sentence and started with this one.
As I continued to read, I find myself looking for the meaning behind the story. When you say, at the end, that you learn from every mistake - that is a bit of a cliché. What is the real meaning behind this essay? What does the theme of this essay have to do with your educational goals that you'll try to achieve in college? It ends sort of abrupt leave with another detail about winning again in the future - so, I think you need to add some structure by digging deep and coming up with one sentence to add to the end of the first paragraph. Established the message of the whole essay by adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a poignant sentence that the reader will never forget.
: )
