Hey, I'm a senior applying through the common app to UNC, Duke, and some other NC schools. Please be brutal in editing my essay; it's a very rough draft!
Topic: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
"We had to move where?!" I shrieked, as I heard my parents tell me that we were moving to North Carolina; it was certainly not a response that my parents had expected. But in that instant I knew I was living in a true nightmare. I had resided in the sunny southern chunk of California for 9 years and the state of North Carolina was about as distant to me as Alaska. I had never heard of any madly significant things about North Carolina before; I only thought of it as a drive by state that most neglect. I didn't want to leave my friends and move to a place where I knew no one. Nevertheless, my parents had made their decision and despite my continuous efforts of begging them not to, we had to move. We got in our white Toyota minivan one breezy December morning, preparing to drive cross country for our move; I wasn't even slightly excited. My enthusiastic elementary-aged sister made jokes as we passed by the midwest and I remained as sullen as I was when I first heard the depressing news. As the west coast started disappearing and the states grew smaller and denser, I found myself feeling more apprehensive. I had nonsensical what-ifs in my mind; what if I forgot how to talk, what if I made no friends, what if I hated the place where we lived? The whole process of moving was challenging for me, a spoiled, timid 7th grade girl who only wanted the comforts in life and could not stand difficulties of any kind. But, as the move from the sunny California suburbs to the humid rurality of North Carolina was sealed, I had to deal with it. It was my parents' decision and we had arrived in North Carolina; there was nothing else I could do.
In addition to the horrendous move, our living area changed drastically. We were going to be living in a hotel so my dad could do his hotel-managing job in relative proximity. I started school and was surprised by the weird dialects and the y'all's and aint's. North Carolina and its people were so unfamiliar. Where in California, a Starbucks and a mega-mall were just around the corner, in North Carolina, we had to drive 30 minutes for the nearest Walmart. There were dry mountains and valleys in California and flat, tree-filled areas here. It took me by extreme astonishment that a single country had two entirely different coasts. Though it took a while for me to come out of my culture shock and start making friends, I realized that I liked this small state on the East Coast better than California. Why, you may ask?
In retrospect, I learned that I needed this move; this didn't become apparent to me overnight. Over the next five years, I realized that moving here had helped me grow more accustomed to the little issues in life I may not have been used to in California. I got everything I wanted there: Disneyland and the beach were two hours away, and mega-malls were merely 15 minutes away. A move to the down-to-earth state of North Carolina was exactly what I needed for my privileged urban brain; I learned that you can't always get what you want. The move helped me learn that I shouldn't be afraid of trying something new because sometimes the most initially unexpected and unpleasant things become the most positive events of your life. I learned how to take care of my younger sister when my parents went to work and I became more responsible. Most importantly, I found that changes aren't something I should be scared of, it should be something I should embrace and prepare for, because life is all about changes, and college is my next big change.
Hi. Alas, English is not my first language, so I will try to comment from the position of pure logic:
1) The part that describes your feelings before and during the move is a bit too long. The question was about accoplishment/event, so, IMHO, it would be better to tell more about YOUR actions and positive changes in your character (this part is slightly vague).
2) The essay is too much self-critical. "Spoiled, timid girl" really sounds unwell. I had similar problem in the MIT essay "What attribute of your personality are you most proud of?"
3) The main problem: original question was about transition from childhood to adulthood. Your essay tells about changes, caused by move, but it would be better to add more about that part where you describe your accomplishments.
Sorry if it was too harsh. I think the essay is good by itself, but it needs certain editing.
No, it's fine, give me all the criticism I need; I really need the help. But thank you, I will fix those parts. Is the overall idea/message of the essay good? Is it too cliche or not unique enough?
The essay is quite good, but you are right, the main idea is already overused. Moreover, admission officer can think that simple move from one place to another is not something to be proud of. If you have other ideas, try to write a new essay about some accomplishment that would look more impressive, like brain-tearing exam/Olympiad or some sport competition, or another achievement of yours, looking on which admission officer would be able to say:" Hey, well done!"
P.S. I never visited US, so I can be wrong and move from California to Carolina is really something quite hard to cope with. If it is really so, then you can just fix abovementioned parts of your essay and let us look upon it to check.
, I had to deal with it. It was my parents' decision and we had arrived in North Carolina; there was nothing else I could do.
- I believe that sentence is the key to using your moving experience to discuss your accomplishment, event, or transition to adulthood. You were a 7th grader when you moved. So that made you about 12 or 13 years in age right? So why not use the move to illustrate an accomplishment within the family? You said so yourself, you were spoiled, timid, and somewhat bratty at that age. Use those character traits of yours to exemplify how you impressed your parents by being the exact opposite once you had resigned yourself to the move? Portray yourself as cooperative, helpful, and accepting of your parents decision. Now, you can expand upon that by saying that this move marked an accomplishment on your part because you learned that you were not really helpless at all, you just needed a reason to become a part of the team. It also helped you to transition in the eyes of your parents from being a young brat, to becoming a responsible teenager whose parents were impressed by the fact that you got over your self-centered attitude in order to help accomplish a task that was not a whim, but a necessity for your family. Make up some information about how you changed as a person once the move was completed and that you were surprised by the sense of maturity and responsibility that you began to openly display. This kind of essay will show the admissions officers a side of you that will not be revealed in personal statements or personal interviews. It is this aspect of your personality that the essay wants you to reveal.
