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"The Dreams About a Perfect World" - motivation statement


dcdm13 1 / -  
Mar 19, 2015   #1
Hi, could you please read my essay and see if this essay is good and brief enough for motivation statement? Thanks

The time when I spoke up as a delegate of ICPD (International Conference on Population and Development Beyond 2014) Global Youth Forum is the time when I realize the world is at its crisis state, especially in the health field. But the time when I spoke up in My World e-discussion that is held by United Nation is the time when I finally found my dreams, the things I should fight for.

The dreams are about a perfect world. A world with no incurable disease, a world where you won't find anyone dying unhelped because they don't have money, a world with perfect health care given to everyone unconditionally.

These dreams push my ambitiousness harder when I fell in love with the joy of learning human biology. Histology books, anatomy books and physiology books, they let me see the wonder kept within our body. The releasing of Adrenaline hormone when we're chased by a dog, or the way our immunity cells fight microorganisms, they show a perfect cooperation of our cells. And it's not fair to see how AIDS, poverty, famine, and incurable diseases destroy this wonderful system of human being. I won't let it keep happening

Thus, the reason why I am applying to Medical Science Program is because of my dreams, my ambitiousness and my adoration to human biology. Studying in the program is my chance to find the cure for incurable disease, to be a doctor who can give health care to everyone and everywhere unconditionally, to stand up for those dying poor people, and to broaden my medical science knowledge. Also, it is my opportunity to inspire other intelligent students to do the same thing as I do, chasing the impossibility for the world.
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 19, 2015   #2
Overall, this was a well-written essay. Good work. Just be careful with sentence structure and wording. Sometimes you word things awkwardly. I hope my corrections above helped with that.


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