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"my dream of becoming an architect" - academic interest, University of Illinois Essay


answers: 1
University if Illinois essay topic:
In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

This is a rough draft of my essay. Please let me know of anything I can do to make my essay better.
Thank you.


As a child my family moved a numerous amount of times, which exposed me to the field of architecture. I have always been amazed by the different structures and designs of the houses we lived in and the buildings that surrounded them. It wasn't until my high school years when my fascination towards architecture started to progress. We were moving once again, and my parents were struggling to find a house that was fit for our family. I began to think to myself, "If only someone could build us a house from the ground up with all the necessities we needed, my parents would have nothing to worry about." So I took the thought upon myself and came to the conclusion that, that someone is me. With always having an interest in the design and structure of houses, this thought was a valuable asset in my decision to pursue the career of an architect. Although we did end up finding a house that was fit for our family, it was not what we were all really looking for. My parents are still in the pursuit to find the perfect house for our family, and as for me, I am currently enrolled in architectural classes and taking the steps I need to help pursue my dream of becoming an architect. I am determined to carry out my goals with the help of University of Illinois. I know that UIUC's School of Architecture will allow me to develop the critical thinking skills that are needed in today's world to pursue the career of Architecture and with their help I will be able to create the perfect home for my family.

Good Essay. Clear and concise. I only have a few corrections.

It wasn't until my high school years
^do not use contractions. change to was not.

So I took the thought upon myself and came to the conclusion that, that someone is me.
^This is worded weirdly...I would try to come up with a new way to word it.

Although we did end up finding a house that was fit for our family, it was not what we were all really looking for.
^I don't think this sentence is completely necessary...you might could use the space to explain further what fascinates you about architecture.

and with their help I will be able to create the perfect home for my family.

^I would make this a separate more punctuated sentence. More emphasis is needed.

Good Luck.

Please help me on my essay. It is named: "an obsession with perfection" - UT ESSAY SETBACK/CHALLENGE/OPPORTUNITY



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