Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution and what makes them exciting to you. Explain how the College of Arts and Science will help you to further explore your interests.
Hi, I am not happy with this essay; help me to answer the question in full and to deal with grammatical problems involved. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
From observing my blind lamp roaming around pastures and watching my albino neighbor lying feeble in the shade, I discovered one thing common to both individuals: their lives were unpalatable. They wandered through their short lives with sorrow and they left the world without making a mark. Their soon departure puzzled and traumatized me but most importantly, it built curiosity in me. At that tender age asked myself the "Whys," "Whos," and "Hows" which my teacher, upon presenting them unto him, answered by one word, "Genes." Genes? That was yet another painstaking term but I did not despair. A few years later, I found myself in a biology class from which the much awaited answers started to unfold steadily.
Those days at junior secondary school laid a foundation for my future biological studies but until this day I am not fully answered. I have learnt many things, from the simplicity of an atom to the complexity of DNA but I still have pending questions. I have come to understand lethal genes and defective ones but my passion to save life is still unreachable. I will not be adamant to concede that much have been uncovered but I will certainly look at the present challenges, such as AIDS and the other myriad of genetic disorders and diseases, and conclude that all the investment is still inadequate. Bearing this in mind, I turned my mind to Cornell's College of Arts and Science where research opportunities are available and where resources are provided to whoever wants to get quality instruction on any subject.
As an international student, an African, I will definitely carry the concerns of all the troubled souls at my backyard and use every opportunity which I will be offered to answer their curiosity too. I do not doubt that I will command triumphs against all the maladies at home with the aid of the Ivy League faculty of Cornell. The devoted professionals like Professor Scott Emr stir my heart with agitation; how I hunger to rub shoulders with such world renowned icons. I will enjoy the advantage of experience and professionalism of my mentors as that will make learning more informative yet challenging and interesting. I look forward to involve myself in solving riddles surrounding AIDS, HIV and Molecular Biology and Genetics, a discipline that has profound roots at Cornell and I know I will never graduate from Cornell to regret.
Cornell's diversified student board will allow me to access knowledge from anywhere around the globe. Since I not much informed on the effects of my issues of concern to other people from other nations, interaction with such people will enlighten my understanding. Cornell's faculty of Arts and Science offers me such a platform, and that will help not only to focus on a single nation but to take a holistic approach in dissecting genetics and molecular biology. The voluminous libraries, modern laboratories and appealing environment all coalesce together a savory education menu which I certainly will enjoy.
People wander through their short lives with sorrow, and they sometimes leave the world without having made their marks on it .
Their quick departure from the world puzzled and traumatized me, but most importantly, it built curiosity in me. At that tender age asked myself the "Whys," "Whos," and "Hows" which my teacher, upon presenting them unto him, answered by one word: "Genes."
In the first paragraph, add a specific statement about what you hope to accomplish in life, givn all these observations. In the last paragraph, mention that aspiration again. This will give structure and meaning to the essay. It has a lot of potential, but everybody needs to revise a few times before they like a essay.
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The devoted professionals like Professor Scott Emr agitate my heart
thanks for all help given, guys you are wonderful. have taken note of every point of correction. Thank you.
I want to add something really quickly: this entire essay reeks of someone who has been picking words out of a thesaurus. It's pretty apparent that you are unaware of the connotations of many of those million-dollar words you picked out of some book. Though I'm guessing English may be your second language (since you are an international student), that is still no excuse for using words in an essay that you were previously unaware of, and then using them improperly. Though a thesaurus may lead you to believe that the multitude of apparently 'synonymous' words the English language offers are, without consequence, totally interchangeable, each is unique in some way. Here, I'll point out some of the more glaring examples:
"I will not be adamant to concede that much have been uncovered but I will certainly look at the present challenges, such as AIDS and the other myriad of genetic disorders and diseases, and conclude that all the investment is still inadequate." - You've somehow managed to use 'adamant,' 'concede,' 'myriad,' 'investment,' and 'inadequate,' all in one sentence. Not only does it make it sound like you're trying too hard, it also makes the sentence really convoluted, and, therefore, difficult to follow. It's not difficult to follow in the sense that anything you're saying is dense in content; it's because you've used so many of those words in improper ways. For instance: "I will not be adamant to concede that much have been uncovered," could have read as "I do not deny that there is much to learn about genetic defects..." which is a much simpler and more orthodox way to express what you were trying to say. Use words you know, write how you speak, and you will sound far more eloquent. Don't be afraid to let your own voice shine through. You don't have to hide behind an eighth-grade level vocabulary list. The admissions officers want to hear YOUR voice and how YOU think. This is only one example in the entire essay I've pointed out. So go back and revise EVERY word or phrase that is saturated with the use of large and improperly used words and replace them with words of which you actually know the meaning. Good luck. I respect the ambition and bravery that must have been required of you to decide to leave your home country in pursuit of a higher education.
Chink, I have often thought that you would make a good contributor! Please check out the contributor page! The link is at the bottom of the screen "EF contributors."
