Hello everyone, I am new here. I'm going to take a very important English exam this July which includes writing paragraphs. I'm not good at this so I'm here to ask for your help. Thank you in advance :)
As time passes, many things in my home country change and one of them is the family. There are a lot of differences between a traditional family and a modern one. First, I would like to mention the size which is smaller today. We used to have four-generation or three-generation families but now, the number of two-generation ones is increasing. Second, it is the change in roles of the husband and wife in a family. Now that women are almost equal to men in all fields, so they join hands to earn money, take care of children as well as do housework. This is a great improvement because in old days, men were regarded as hosts of families while women just took up cooking, tidying,... Moreover, nowadays, unsound customs are much fewer and other ones are not too strict anymore, so members of a modern family can enjoy themselves more. For example, families can go on vacation on Yet holiday, not just stay at home as they used to do. In general, families in Vietnam are changing in a good way today. I feel happy and optimistic about this.
Paragraphs normally range from 8-10 sentences. This paragraph is good in terms of not having too much or too little information. You have good transition words such as: First, Second, Moreover. I think some of the errors you have involve meaning. For example, you said: "First, I would like to mention the size which is smaller today." I would phrase it this way: First, the average family size in my home country is much smaller today.
You could also start this sentence with, "For example". The sentence I made helps the reader to understand that I am discussing family size.
Let's try another example. The next sentence you strive to explain everything. It is too much. You could simply state that this generation is having less children which decreases their family size in comparison with past generations. When you try to explain every generation, I am more focused on trying to understand what generation you are referring to rather than the meaning.
Here is a third example to help you in your quest to write better. Another issue is word choice. If you are writing in English, I think you should use other words rather than, "join hands". This could mean a parent or child relationship, husband or wife, or anyone. People could join hands for a number of reasons. If you state that they work together or work harmoniously, this means that the husband and wife help each other to earn money, take care of the kids, and do housework.
Finally, I think this last point will help you too. In the last few sentences of the paragraph, you mention that families are changing in a good way. I wasn't aware of that in the beginning. I was unsure if you were happy or sad about the change. This could change everything about your paragraph. For example, you say you are optimistic about families changing. Therefore, I begin to wonder as a reader if the sentences in the beginning of the paragraph are a change that you appreciated as well. If you state that you are happy with how your home country has changed, I will understand that everything you are writing about is a good change.
I hope this helps in some way. Remember these points:
1) State what you mean in the beginning. Build your sentences around your view.
1) Continue to make good transitions. You are doing a good job with this!
2) Explain clearly
3) Word choice is important in English. (Don't be afraid to use a dictionary or thesaurus. That's how you learn to be a good writer and continue to write well.)
