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I'm different form my Mom; Significant influence (Person)


BriJ 1 / 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence.

My mother and I have always had our fair share of differences. We are extremely different people, and consequently we do not see eye to eye on practically anything. Although, while I do not agree with many of her opinions or her stances on political issues, I do try to emulate what I consider to be her best qualities, her selflessness and her unconditional love.

I have not always appreciated my mother's unique characteristics. In fact, I've often found myself annoyed and considered myself smothered. Ironically, I only realized how invaluable my mother's role in my life was when I left home for the first time to attend a three-week summer camp.

I had been so ecstatic to leave my home and my family behind. We had been cooped up in our house without air conditioning for a week preceding my trip, and the close proximity combined with the scorching July temperatures was not doing our already precarious relationship any favors. I was more than happy to go to camp where I assumed I would meet new and exciting people. So with my whole room packed into my suitcase, I left home and didn't look back.

Unfortunately, once I got to camp all of my previous convictions flew out of the window. All I wanted was my mom. I didn't care that she was on vacation or that she had paid five thousand dollars for me to go to this camp, I just wanted her to come pick me up and take me home. She adamantly refused. She was determined that I was going to stay, no matter how much I pleaded otherwise. I hated her so much in that first week of camp, but I also knew that I needed her. I needed her love and reassurance and most of all her strength. My mother knew all of this and she made countless sacrifices for me. She selflessly stayed up with me on Skype until two or three in the morning, every night for those three weeks. She sent me postcards and homemade muffins, and she texted me every morning before my first class. She was my hero for those three weeks.

My mother's influence in my life has been astonishing. I've heard it said before that only your mother can love you unconditionally, and I now wholeheartedly believe that. I'm fairly certain that no one else would've put up with my antics. My mother's unconditional love and acceptance makes me want to prove myself. I want to give her a reason to truly be proud of me. I only hope that I can make the difference in somebody's life that my mother has made in mine.
JustKeepSwimmin - / 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
We are extremely different people, and consequently we do not see eye to eye on practically anythingmany things .

Although, while I do not agree with many of her opinions or her stances on political issues, I do try to emulate what I consider to be her best qualities, her selflessness and her unconditional love.

- What's in bold sounds a bit redundant

Many of your sentences in paragraph 2 and even the entire essay begin with "I". Try varying your sentence structure.

Think about what message this sends to your college. Basically what I'm getting is you love your mother and you cant bear to leave. Meaning you're a very dependent person. Colleges usually want to see independence, no?

With that said, its pretty well written. I'm just a very harsh reviewer.

Help me please: essayforum.com/undergraduate-essays-2/upenn-jerome-fisher-mt-program-e ssay-eng-business-help-46916/
enigma33 2 / 44 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
The major flaw with this essay is that you talk about your mother's qualities more than you do your own. Remember this a personal statement. They want to see the effect your mother has had on your personality and how she made you grow. Try including a couple of things you did as an effect of your mother's influence.

I hope this helped! Do you mind looking at my Uchicago or Princeotn essay?
luying9682 6 / 35 6  
Dec 30, 2012   #4
Hello BriJ!
I agree with enigma33 . I think you should write more about YOU.
In the first paragraph, you talked about that you and your mother are different. I was hoping to see that you were influenced by your mother's different opinions and gained a new angle of viewing things or so. Then the theme changed in the second paragraph. I thought you were going to learn to be strong by staying on the camp. But at last, you described how you missed your mother and how much your mother loved you.... I am totally confused. So why your mother influenced you the most? And what did she change about you? After all, my suggestion is talk more about your change in your attitude/ characteristic and so on because of your mother's influence on you.

I hope it helps =P

Good luck!
iamnicholas1 10 / 17 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #5
Sorry to sound like a broken record, but yes, the colleges want to know more about YOU and what you have to offer them. Try to ease the descriptions off of your mother and instead incorporate the qualities that make you separate from others. What have you learned from your mother's strengths? How has that shaped you? Maybe take her strength, mention it briefly, and readdress it as yours now, passed from generation to generation.
HarvardAccept - / 57 24  
Dec 30, 2012   #6
I have talked to numerous college counselors as well as admissions directors (My uncle is the admissions director for UPenn.)
Guess what the most popular answer is for this question? Mothers, mom, motherly figure.
Colleges read these types of essays and expect the worst. Even though this might be a great essay, colleges will put it aside. (Sorry to be so blunt)

I would suggest using someone else :/


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